Two thousand twelve is gone...

A lot has happened in the past 12 months. If you would have told me a year ago all these things would happen I would tell you that you must be crazy. Gods plans are far greater than mine ever could be. 2012 was the most exciting year I think I've ever had. Lets recap....

January held a time of praying and solely seeking after God. Actually hearing from Him was amazing to say 'I know, because I heard from God'. In January I was awaiting to finalize my divorce or so I thought. The process continued to drag on till February.

Valentines day was the first I had ever spent single. So I cooked a nice dinner and made peanut butter shaped heart desserts. Little did I know I'd be spending it with a 16 & 17 year old ha. My neighbor and his friend came and ate some food then we sat poolside by the fire. February was the month I was diagnosed and healed of hypothyroid disease which explained my 9 lb weight gain. In the process I stopped my birth control because it was interfering with the thyroid meds. For the first time in over a year Travis and i had gone to lunch together and talked like we weren't waiting for a divorce to finalize. That led to me wanting to spend his birthday with him somehow someway. He agreed to let me take him to dinner, it ended up feeling like the old us in a way.

March 4th God did a miracle. That night at church was the (second) first night of the rest of our lives. Since then we've been together every night. God changed the both of us, our hearts were made new toward each other and stronger than before. It still blows my mind when I think about it. Within the next 7 days baby Thompson was created. The 19th two little pink lines appeared on a stick!!

April 24th after almost 4 hours at the emergency room we had our first ultrasound... That's when we saw two heartbeats! Baby Thompson was now Thompson twins. Wow!! I also moved out of my apartment and moved back in with my husband:)

May brought warmer weather and more ultrasounds!! Exciting.

I felt my babies move for the first time in June!!

The beginning of July we were told we had two little BOYS!! God confirmed the boys names this month as well. I felt hiccups for the first time in the womb this month too. July brought having to move out of his house and with no luck in finding a house we moved in to my mommas for what we thought two months max....

August wasn't a great month. We found out my Mama had cancer out of nowhere, we didn't know it would be the last month she would be coherent. I turned 25 on the 31st, and celebrated with my love in Raleigh. That day we were told she had 3 months to live, what a great birthday right?

September brought a lot. We had our baby shower which was great, a lot of gifts from a lot of great people. My girl friends wedding I was a bridesmaid in at 30 weeks was fun but tiring. Then in a blink of an eye I was rushing to Virginia to say goodbye to my Mama for the last time. The 14th was a sad sad day.

October we started to paint the nursery and finally got the car seats and cribs. Everything was coming together as I was put in the hospital on the 3rd for the entire month. You can read my previous post for how that experience was.

As November came so did my chance to go home... For a week. Then the 14th my two little angels came into this world at 10:07 and 10:23 pm. Following was turkey day and lots of food.

Rolling in before I realized it was December. Not as cold as it should be and more tiring than I could have ever imagined. Christmas didn't feel like Christmas for the mere fact it seemed to come so quick. Our Christmas presents were two bright eyed boys and I couldn't have asked for more. New Year's Eve was nothing like last years!! This year babies were in bed and I was trying to catch some zzz's myself. Before I knew it love and I woke up to the countdown, said happy new year kissed and were knocked out within 5 minutes.

My year in review. Seems like it just flew by, but what a busy busy year. I am so very thankful and blessed beyond measure. 2013 I hope brings a house, a new car big enough for our family and more memories. God is good. Here's to a happy new year!!

December 25!

Merry Christmas:) our first Christmas with the boys was fun and changes your way of thinking. It didn't even matter to me if I got presents this year it wasn't a huge concern of mine. My twins are our Christmas present!! I can't wait till they can be excited about Christmas and open their own gifts. We didn't even have to buy anything they got boxes packed full of clothes, I think 4 toys each and necessities like burp cloths and bibs! We don't even have enough room in their dresser for all the clothes they now own!
Starting next year we will add our own tradition to the yearly routine and that makes me happy, to think my family is complete and I love making all these new memories!

Merry Christmas!

Hot momma or Hot mess??

Body after baby or in my case babies! Lets just say its different. I only gained 32 pounds with my pregnancy and until week 31 I didn't have a single stretch mark!! I was sure that I wasn't going to get any since I had made it that far without any. I also was under the impression I had only 4 weeks left and they would most likely be here so how many more could I possibly get. WELL I got a lot! A lot more than I was intending to have at 25 years old. Each day I could literally feel when my skin was stretching, it would be itchy and almost a burning/ tingling sensation. Then the next day I would look in the mirror prior to my shower and yep, there was a new one. I know that sounds absurd but its the truth. Each day for the next 6 weeks they got worse. It was bad enough I was stuck in the hospital, week after week passed with no babies coming, everyday more uncomfortable than the day before and now stretch marks another thing to make me self conscious the rest of my life.
So here I am almost 5 weeks postpartum and I'm down 23 pounds which makes me very happy but I still have 10 to go to get back to pre-pregnancy weight and then another 9 after that! My goal is 120, that Is my happy weight. Where I feel my best at. I had gained that 9-10 pounds the months before getting pregnant, I like to think of it now as my body getting ready to house two lives before I even knew it.
I didn't know all of the aftermath of lAbor. I wouldn't wish the pain I went thru on my worst enemy, it was pure torture. The tearing and numbness after, the loss of blood, (I loss more than half my blood) blacking out, the 'baby blues' which are horrible, bleeding for weeks. Nobody warns you about any of that. I will never ever ever have another child. I am certain that God gave me a perfect pregnancy because He knew the torture I would experience in the delivery of Chi and Eli.
Because of my 3rd degree tears I am not capable or allowed to exercise till after my six week checkup and I get the go ahead. Granite it's not like I've had a moment to even if I could or the energy and strength to yet but I'm now looking forward to it, it will help my mood and make me feel better about myself which is a must. I will start with walks around the neighborhood and some yoga DVDs that way I can start to tone. Surprisingly to look at my stomach and see the stretch marks doesn't gross me out like I thought. It's not that bad, I mean yes I have quite a few but they are very faint for the most part. But here's my philosophy on it now, I can deal with them for the fact I gave life to TWO human beings and I am okay with that as long as my tummy is flat or close to it!! And with a little self tanner anything can be camouflaged to a degree.
I've come to terms (most dAys) with knowing my body will never look or be the same as pre pregnancy but I can still have a nice body and feel good about myself but it will just be different now. I intend to still wear a bikini by April, not to mention I'm not trying to impress some young guys or vain guys anymore. I'm now impressing my husband and he still thinks I'm gorgeous I'm sure more now for having his babies than before. Then being healthy for my boys is my priority. Having a child changes you both mentally, emotionally and physically (inside and out). I'm going to find that happy median, where I'm happy with myself and then I can be a better wife and mommy.

Happy One Month!!

Wow!! My boys are ONE WHOLE MONTH already!! How crazy is that, I think with the lack of sleep its a slight blur. It doesn't feel like it was a month ago I pushed them out into this gigantic world. Maybe because I'm still healing myself so I feel like it was a little more like yesterday.

I must say again that this month has been very trying, exciting, tiring, fun, exhausting and all the above!! My love and I have grown closer with maybe two outburst from being over tired. We really do work well together. It has surprised me. I always had a fear of having kids and having to do everything myself, only because I've rarely seen dads who help the mother. I'm blessed though, my man does at least half of everything. Not just because we have twins either. I'm positive if we had only one that we would be fighting over who gets to hold the baby. So I guess God really does know what He's doing.

So lets talk milestones!!

Starting yesterday the boys make eye contact with you now especially while feeding. Before they were just all over the place looking towards every sound. Now the feeling you get when you realize for the first time he is looking right at you, is amazing. Realizing he now knows who you are, the bond is only starting. It melts your heart, I didn't think it would be a big deal 'yea so they can see' but oh my goodness was I wrong. I can't even describe it. I've been trying since last night to find words for the feeling it gives you and there isn't any beside love the word that can't be described!!
Not only are they now starring at me but they have been cooing and being very vocal for over a week now. Sometimes when you give them a paci they go to town with what sounds like their own little prayer language. It makes me smile every time.

Next holding their heads up!! They have been lifting their heads literally since week two. Not just it rolling around I mean actually having some control over it. Since then they are now holding it up for quite a few seconds and looking all over the place. So I do believe they are beyond your typical just average baby at this age. My boys are going to be strong and blessed beyond measure. They will be greater than average because they are called by The Lord.

So one month down and with some insanity I am still not in a half way house!!! I think that says a lot! Though it is tough I can do this!! :)

Happy one month birthday Malachi &Elijah!!! Mommy loves you more today than even the day you entered the world.

First night out

Stepped out alone for the first time tonight. It was different I must say. I hadn't reAlly realized it till tonight but being consumed in babies and being a mommy it's easy to lose your identity. It felt good to get out of sweats and a tank top, lose the sloppy bun, smell perfume rather than formula. I don't mean it in a bad way at all but overnight you go from young, free, pick up and go at the drop of a hat to taking an hour just to get two diapers changed, two outfits on, two tummys full, and in their car seats. Then your down to two hours before your feeding again. Needless to say we were always late before babies and well now we will always be late for sure. Then before you know it your just mommy. You forget what it felt like before these precious lives were your first priority. The funny part is when you notice someone looking at you and you now think hello don't look at me like that not only am I taken but Do you not know I have two babies. Hahaa

It is a must to have date nights and just lunch or run to the store alone. To make sure you still feel good, and be in the general population. To feel like the hot thing you are :)

So thank you to my husband for taking care of the boys so I could feel like a young, pretty, still fun person again.

Not the 'C' word...

Colicky baby?? Tell me it isn't so!! Not just one but two! Now I dare you to try and get sympathy from me because your ONE baby is fussy, just go sit down now. I have searched and searched, read everything there is to read and it seems Chi and Eli show symptoms of colic. Oh are you serious?

They scream when having a bowel movement, very gassy, and just seem to scream at night before bed for no apparent reason. Diapers clean, not hungry, just woke up to eat so there not tired, all your typical discomforts are not the reasons. We rock them, walk with them, try the swing, bouncer, everything we know to do. Thank God though for the most part they don't scream at the same time usually it's one baby one night and the other the next. In that I am thankful.

I have to be honest it's very trying to have a screaming baby and not be able to do anything about it. It takes a lot of patience on you and your spouses part with the baby and each other. So far we have not bit each others heads off or the twins. So do me a favor PRAY for us!! All four of us!!

More than a full time job

This is the hardest thing I've had to do, raising to babies is extremely tough work. I'm trying to see what God must see in me that He knew I could handle two at once. But I'm not seeing it yet. I'm so exhausted, not to mention my body is still healing from the damage they did. I don't even have energy to do anything around the house from being up down wide awake all day and all night, literally all night. They seem to be so restless at night, you can rock em, pat em, walk with em, bounce em put them in the swing and they still fussing. Then by the time they f quit resisting sleep an hour or two have gone by and then the other one is awake and ready to eat or peed thru his diaper and is crying.
It never stops. Then when I get flustered because nothing consoles them I get upset because I'm so tired and just want to close my eyes. Then I feel horrible for being frustrated because its not like they know what their doing, their helpless little beings that I created and carried and brought into this world and how could you be frustrated when you look into those big dark grey/ blue eyes. It's such a roller coaster of feelings everyday!
I would just like to escape for one whole day and sleep in a pitch dark room somewhere and not be disturbed. Sad part is its only been three weeks, I have another lifetime of lack of sleep:( I just feel like if I could refuel I'd be a better person in general and physically my body would feel better.

I love you more than everything

Four years married. Eight years together. Twelve years I've loved you. Yesterday my love and I celebrated our fourth anniversary. Now here's the crazy part it's only the second one we've celebrated. We split up the week before the second one and still was separated for the third one. 13 months apart has strengthened our relationship like I could have never imagined. God is good, He has restored our marriage and I am so blessed. My husband is the best father already, he knows just what to do when the boys need something or I'm freaking out and overwhelmed. He has been very patient with me being so emotional since the babies were born. He's been right there by my side to help or make sure I'm okay. I am so lucky and so in love. Giving birth changes everything it's true, what I thought was love is nothing in comparison to creating life and bringing it into this world. Not only does love change for my babies but towards my husband knowing we are now in this forever for sure. There's no chance of just being annoyed and having a bad day and an easy out. It makes you see all the reasons why marriage is so important and yes it may be work but nothing good comes easy. We now have this bond that the babies have created between us that is unbreakable. So here's till death do us part because I never want to live a day without him by my side.

Fussy and Gassy :(

Nobody could have ever prepared me for a gassy baby, let alone two. Absolutely no sleep, and having to hold your screaming baby who is feeling pain and discomfort and not being able to make it stop. We tried everything google said, went and bought gas drops, bicycled their legs, lightly bounced them on my tipy toes, and burped them till all of us were tired of burping. So the first panicked phone call to the doctors was made and we went in. Doc said it sounded like they weren't tolerating their formula and wrote a prescription for another one! So today we will find that one and start it, then continue to pray for our calm, sweet babies back.

How did you sleep last night?

45 minutes of sleep all night! Fussy babies are very draining especially when there fed, clean diaper and warm. I mean what else is there that could be wrong. Here's how the night went 12:30-3 am Elijah was up, crying. Finally got him fed for the third time in 3 hours and laid him down in just enough time for Malachi to wake up. Fed him put him back down at 4, slept till 4:45 then Elijah woke up fussing again!!!! From 4:45 till 7:30 it was either feeding time or just not able to lay one of them down. It has definitely been a Longggg night !! Goodbye sleep hello exhaustion.

10 days old ALREADY

Wow! My babies are 10 days old already! People don't lie when they say it goes by fast and before you know it their going off to kindergarten. Okay so maybe that's a little bit of a stretch ha. Having two right now at this stage is not as hard as I thought, I've managed to feed them both at the same time, however we will leave the picking up both at the same time to someone else who is a lot less careless. That's not for me. Besides doing laundry and feedings all day it's easy. Life is precious.

Two more lives in this world..

Whirlwind, whirlwind. November 14 at 10:07 Malachi 5 lbs 11 oz entered this big ol' world, followed by Elijah 5 lbs 6oz at 10:23! We will not talk about the delivery because I am traumatized by every aspect of it. Nothing about it was good.

Jump ahead to today, the day after thanksgiving and I could not be happier. My babies are beautiful and more than precious. They have had two doctors appointments, and two outings one unexpected in the week they have been here. It's amazing at how much love and purpose something so small can make you feel. I've never been so protective over anything or anyone in my 25 years of life. I can already tell I am 'that' momma, I don't care about most people's advice, or opinions, these are mine and I know them best. My family is now complete, four well five with Buddy. I couldn't ask for more! God is more than good, He never forsakes, He is always right beside me, guiding me and providing, protecting. He never fails even when I feel lost. This has been a faith testing experience in so many ways, but my faith is growing everyday.

My little angels are so tiny they are to little for newborn clothes and preemie fits there bodies but their legs are too long for them, so they just swim in their sleepers for now. Then we have the issue with diapers and the fact that they pee out of their diapers thru to their clothes and blankets but yet the diaper is dry as can be! It's a magic trick I swear. Lets put this into perspective for you who don't have twins. We went thru one can of formula in two days, 14 sleepers and 8 blankets in two days. I didn't even count the diapers. All I know off the top of my head is we had to open two packs of diapers in the 6 days we have been home. Expensive is what that is. But that's where faith steps in and I trust God to provide.

All in All I am so thankful for my family and friends this thanksgiving, for shelter over my head, for food on my plate, for peace of mind, for my more than wonderful husband, and my little snuggle bugs. God is more than amazing.

See ya soon..

Dr. BB is always the barrier of good news!  (i think that is the right phrasing)  So they gave me the option to be discharged Monday!! I have to admit when they said I could go home I wasn't completely sold on going, even after all the melt downs and loneliness. I really had to weigh out different issues that could arise. They said that now I had reached 36 weeks that they felt safe with allowing me to go, and if I wanted to go back to my original doctor that I could. Our hospital can deliver 36 weeks and up. But I have to say after spending 33 days with the doctors and nurses here I feel safer and calmer with having them deliver. I know in the beginning I wasn't saying that but once they all got on the same page and grew with me I don't feel like just another number, I'm now like family to some of the nurses. I know what to expect and they have all told me what there procedures are. Not to mention they deliver twins every week here, the other hospital to my knowledge has only delivered 4 sets this whole year, then I just heard one little girl didn't make it that they delivered a set just this past month. I know there could have been a million reasons that have nothing to do with the 'hospital' itself but I wont take my chances!

SO..... on the 17th I will be induced if these little ones don't make their appearance on their own! It is nice to spend a few days home making sure I know where everything is before bringing them home. Makes me a little more sane and gives me a little more control. It has been a bit of adjusting still being home, I wasn't this big when I last was home so something as simple as sitting on the couch is not as comfortable or easy as I remembered. Not to mention I thought sleeping in my own bed would be a piece of cake, relaxing cake, but it is so soft compared to the hospital that it puts more strain on my back and belly. Nothing that a million pillows positioned in the right place can't fix though!! Falling asleep and waking up to my man again is the best part, so I am one happy VERY pregnant girl!!!

Malachi and Elijah Momma will be seeing you two soon... each day is one day closer. Oh I failed to mention they are easily 5 1/2 lbs now every movement is so pronounced these days. I never knew I was capable of this, all of it. It is amazing.

Dear God, pick me up again

I am fighting so many emotions being in here. This is the hardest thing to just sit and wait. Each day I feel like i'm one day closer to it being over but then that only last for a few moments. I broke down again yesterday pretty much out of nowhere, I even surprised myself. I was fine then all of a sudden I sat down and just lost it. I had decided I was going home and felt safe enough to do so at this point. Then when I was signing the discharge papers I realized insurance would no longer cover anything if I left so then I was back to having no control over the situation and had to stay. So Dr. P ripped up the paper and I think genuinely felt bad for me,  because he knows its just for the simple fact I am so dilated that I have to be here. And the fact that it will be another 3 weeks before they induce me unless I go on my own.

I don't know if it is just not having control over the situation that is the main problem or if its other things. But I feel so ungrateful, more than I can describe for complaining about being here when like I have said before my babies and I are perfectly healthy. I try to shake it, I thank God over and over for everything but I still feel like I am not being thankful. That is the hard part, feeling selfish, guilty, ungrateful. Especially when that has never been my nature. I have never felt like this.

I try to think okay God, maybe You put me here to meet someone and be a blessing or vice versa. Maybe it's just for my protection, maybe He's keeping me from harm that would potentially be in my way if I weren't here. Maybe He is testing my trust in Him, I always say and wholeheartedly trust in only Him for every aspect of my life, but maybe He's making me live it even more so by being here. In that case I feel like a failure most days. I don't even think that I question His will but I am just always trying to figure it out so I do right. That's where I mess up. I always want to be on the right track and in His will, but sometimes when He is quiet or when I am not quiet it's hard to know if I am doing what He would have me do. I have no desire for my will or anyone else's only His. Most people can say that but not mean it in there hearts. If I never say it at least I honestly know in my heart He is pleased. I love the Lord and depend on Him for every second of my life. I know He holds my world in His hands, so trying to always make sure I please Him is my number one struggle in this life. I just want to know I bring pleasure to Him when He looks on me. So here is to getting back up after failing yesterday and trying to hold out and be kind, happy and thankful for the next however many days He keeps me in here.

I must say though I can not wait to hold my boys, I want to see their little faces so bad. I want to touch their little toes and fingers and kiss their foreheads every second of the day. I just want to see them!! I keep wondering what that initial moment will feel like, when they come out. Will they take my breath away? Will I cry like an emotional basket case? Will I just lay in amazement at the thought I was chosen to birth and raise these two precious babies. Out of everybody in this world He chose me to call them sons, for them to call me Mommy. What will their personalities be like? What traits will they have of mine, of Travis'? Will they look alike? Different? Like me or more like their Daddy? I just wish I could see them right now, hold them for the rest of my life. I will ever seek God to be the mother He would have me be to these babies He has already called out. He has already set them apart. He has already called them prophets to this nation. Before they were even born. In scripture and in real life. Malachi and Elijah Mommy is ready for you. I promise to always do for you and raise you in a Godly home. Pray over and for you every single day. You will grow up to know who created you from before your Mommy and Daddy were ever a couple. Before the sun was ever hung in the sky He knew you.

"Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart, I called you as a prophet to the nations" Jeremiah 1:5

Thank you God.

False alarm.....again

Woke up at 5 a.m feeling nauseated no good! Realized laying down was not going to work anymore so I got up and sat in the chair noticed I was super crampy and even my lower back was crampy. Like really bad menstrual cramps, then came the contractions every say 5,8,10 mins. Nothing to consistent but they were definitely uncomfortable and all of it was at the same time so around 6:30 or so every morning one of the doctors come in and check on me, ask the same five questions and my answers are always no. Well this morning I waited for her to come in and I told her how I had been feeling. She got a little excited knowing how miserable I have been and asked if I wanted her to check and see if I had progressed from 6 cm. I said yes of course with hopes of being like 8 haa..... unfortunately she said she felt like I was the same :( BOO I didn't like that response at all. So she said get up and walk maybe do some squats so I did all morning!

My Momma came to spend the day and I made her walk all over this hospital today hoping today was going to be the day. Well I am 100% sure I am having back labor still because it is more intense than when it started this morning, however the actual contracting in my stomach and tightening has been inconsistent but the back labor does come around to the front, pretty much my pelvic area cramps and hurts quite a bit at the same time. I'm so lost when it comes to this whole labor thing and whats real and whats not. It's tough and so different for every single person, ya know. Now just waiting on my love to get here and we will go walking, rocking in the rocking chair and well whatever else we can do to get this show on the road. :)

creepin' round the hospital....

SOOOOOOOOO.... :) I almost got caught just now! Yes I have walking privileges thanks to well we will call him Dr. BB (blonde hair blue eyes lol) BUT I am not allowed or 'suppose' to be walking all the way to the cafeteria or the other cafe they have here. Just in case my water were to break, okay I understand that I guess but I'm already here it's not like I wouldn't be whisked away in a wheelchair by the closest nurse back to L&D. Plus I am far enough along at this point we are safe it were to break. To be honest I was hoping the walking would bring it on!! So I've decided that if I walk outside to the other entrance (which is shorter than walking down the actual halls inside) than 1. I wouldn't run into any of my doctors or nurses and 2. duh it's shorter so I wont be overdoing it as they say. Now that I think about it though the outside route is up about 15 steps and a little bit of an incline which is the most working out I've got in a while. So it probably evens itself out now that I think about it as far as energy used goes.

Anyways so I haven't accidentally ran into anyone until today, I almost got busted. First on the way out with one of my other Dr.'s, then again on the way back in but with Dr.BB. The first one I was able to bypass but then when I walked back in and saw the female doctors and Dr. BB sitting here in the lobby I HAVE to walk through I got a little nervous (it was obvious why I was coming in the door I did). He even looked right at me twice and made eye contact and didn't recognize me at all. THE BELLY DIDN'T EVEN GIVE IT AWAY. I started grinning because I thought for sure he was going to say something seeings how we had just had a conversation on his rounds this morning about him hearing I was doing laps. I guess because my hair is curled and pinned up and makeup is perfected today that I was undetectable. Hmm... that must mean I am for sure a hot mess laying in my bed and they make there rounds. Anyways as dumb as it may be that is now my new form of adventure to keep this place interesting after 21 days hahaaa

Oh and I asked if I could be induced this weekend (because I can literally feel my skin stretch apart and am so uncomfortable at this point) they said no, but that they were talking about me in there meetings this a.m and were all so surprised and amazed I still haven't had these little ones yet. I said ME TOO so lets do something about it!! He said It will happen on its own and once my water breaks then its going to happen fast they think. So we shall see...... until then I'll look for fun in creepin'.

Randomness- updates- thoughts

The weekends go by so fast!! It seems the time my love gets here on Friday nights you blink and it's now Sunday night or Monday morning and off he goes to work again. You might ask what can you possibly do stuck in a tiny little hospital room with someone for 48+ hours... well we play lots of Rummy, lay in my little bed and watch movies that I always fall asleep during, eat, take walks, and eat some more. And I couldn't ask for anyone better to do it with either. He is so good to me and has dealt with my ever changing hormone levels  from being in here just fine. That is why I love him so :):):)

Yesterday I contracted ALL day every 15-20 minutes, with each one I got more excited thinking that meant it was going to actually happen!!! I was finally going to see these precious beings we've created. Well that didn't happen obviously. However it is the start of it they say, downside I could contract like that for days before they pop out. They are still just as healthy as ever weighing an ounce under 5 lbs. So i'm happy that they will be strong and more than likely go home with in 24 hours with me!!! Another update I have officially gained 26 lbs with my pregnancy. I am very proud of myself, my friends who carried one say they gained anywhere from 30-60 with singletons. SO YAY FOR ME!!! Dr wanted me to gain between 25-35 and so I am in that range. That is with no eating restrictions, I never even exercised, God was just showing me favor and I will thank Him everyday. He has been and is SO Good!

They now are so big in my belly (that is not able to stretch any further) that I feel them throwing hands into my pelvic bone and their feet and butts into my rib cage. I feel EVERYTHING now more pronounced than ever before. Yes they are a little calmer seeings how the space is limited but trust me that is probably a good thing for my sake!! With my contractions, or even uterine irritability as they call the little ones my back aches with each one. That is about the only pain that I've had still. They offered me some meds for the big ones I was having yesterday (apparently they were big enough that most people feel quite a bit with those) but I declined it, I don't believe in taking all this medicine. When they get bad and it's like okay! then I will ask for something. I just don't like the thought of all that going to my babies...

Alright well my stomach is growling at me so I gotta go find something for us three to eat....

Day 15.. a GOOD one!

YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!! As of today I have walking privileges, you never know what you take for granted until you are no longer able to do it! Same thing goes on a bigger scale like with God. You don't praise Him for health when you have never been sick or the little things like socks, toothbrush, everything. Never stop praising Him, it's easy to think about those things when you don't have them. Anyways I don't know where all that came from I just wanted to let the world know how the Dr I had today is now my favorite and told me I need to walk 3-4 times a day up and down the halls or outside. So my first trip was to the cafe and outside haa exciting right :) I just got a burst of energy to hold out in here a little longer now. Not to mention in general he was very thorough and didn't make me feel dumb. Lord please let him be the one bringing my little ones into this world!

So here is to my new found freedom ahahaa :) Fresh air and food with flavor!! Have a lovely day world.  

....Ohh! so listen to this real quick, I asked if it was possible to dilate to a 10 and not know it except for when you all of a sudden have to push. Seeings how I'm at 6 with no warning. He said yes! Its not common but its happened and is possible. So honestly there is no way to know at the moment if I am any further than the last time they checked because unless I have more symptoms they will not be checking. As long as Travis has time to get here or is already here that is all I care about. Other than that how great would that be, to not feel any pain the entire time. Not likely I know but it would be amazing.

T is for Tuesday and today's thoughts

So you know how some people once they have kids think they can no longer be stylish or show off what they got? If they had long hair before they end up cutting it all off after, no more heels hello only flats and sometimes even just flip flops, goodbye bronzer just keep some mascara. No more girly, frilly dresses welcome the jeans and over sized tops. Lace has now been extinct now cotton is the only fabric you own.

WELL THAT WILL NOT BE ME!!!!!! EVEN WITH TWO BABIES!!!!

How is that fair to yourself? How is that fair to your spouse? Even your children. Since losing weight last year and getting down to the smallest I've ever been I now know it is possible and wasn't the hardest thing ever. Obviously it takes effort and discipline but if it were easy everyone would be small. I just know for my well being I need and want to get back to that size, which is why I did not throw my clothes away or give them to anyone. Actually what gets me is that I had several people ask for my clothes 'since I was pregnant' I couldn't wear them is what they would say. Ummmm.... yes at the moment I may not be able to wear those size 2 AE boyfriend jeans which were my favorite but hello are you implying I will be fat and not get back into them after I give birth?? I mean really. I found it rude every time someone asked, insulting.

My goal is to have people say what? you gave birth to twins? Your so small. So considering they will be born this month or even the first of November I am honestly all belly. God has been very good to me. I had the worst fear that I would gain like 200 lbs and be a whale. I didn't though, I've gained about 25 and as of the moment the babies are 4 1/2 lbs each plus placenta/fluid/blood/whatever else that has to be about 16 lbs in itself just them. So maybe the other 9-10 lbs went all over but I am very very very okay with that. I do not feel fat at all. I am proud of myself for not eating everything in sight and not using pregnancy as an excuse just to eat and not do anything. Until they put me in here at 31 weeks I was working, still doing everyday things. To be honest since I've been in here I feel as if I have lost maybe 5 lbs, there food isn't very good. Not to mention you do a lot of sleeping when you can't go or do anything.

I just am ready to start up yoga again and take it slow of course but start walking getting back into the mind set. I figure a good bit of this weight will go when they come out, and then I have 6 months to get back into bathing suit shape. I can do this. I want my husband to still look at me and be like wow, your beautiful even more so after this. I can't wait to get my hair colored, I've been doing the ombre thing for the past 5 months so I didn't have to color my roots every 6 weeks. I need some color to this skin of mine. I was good and didn't sit out and put my babies in that heat this summer. So this pastiness needs to go asap. I cant wait to get back into my heels without worrying anymore about toppling over and harming the buns in the oven. Just all of it! I am so excited.

Now I know what your thinking, yea she doesn't know what shes about to get into, there's no time for that when your a mom, only selfish moms have time to take care of themselves. Well good for you but no that is not true. A mother who cares about her family will make time for herself, you have to feel good about yourself in order to be the best you can be. Not to mention when you feel good about yourself others feed off that, so it will only benefit my family for me to take care of myself. So if you want to be a frump and never feel sexy again good for you but my marriage will not go to the wayside just because I had babies nor will my Mommy skills be anything less than great because I took time for me. So here's to ME! I can't wait.

one answer, two answers, no answers the same

Day 12 in this hospital, feels like day 30 at this point. I know they may have one of the top NICU's in the state of North Carolina but that is about where it ends. Don't expect to get straight answers or consistency out of these people. Yes they may be very nice and I appreciate that but just don't ask questions about anything even if it's your own case. No one will have the same answer or reason for you. I think that in itself is more  the problem for me than actually being stuck here. At this point I can answer any question I have or tell you why something is happening just as good as those with schooling. I get this is a 'learning" hospital and everybody is straight out of school or still in school but STILL as a patient I have the right to get straight answers that are TRUE.

I would not recommend anyone to come here if they are ones that need to know what is going on and how things are coming along. I can't and don't want to even imagine what I or my family would be feeling if we were here for actual illness. I don't think the outcome would be very good. Can you imagine a doctor or nurse coming in saying oh this isn't a concern to us, then the next saying yes it is, it's rather a big deal. I mean who does that. These are peoples lives solely in your hands and you can't be on the same page. I would definitely recommend going to a hospital that is not full of residents.

Oh and guess what there is a whole new team of residents coming in next week they just said, so I said great another 35 different opinions, answers, stories. None of which will be the same from the 35 mismatched ones I've dealt with the past 12 days.

.... On a HAPPY note!!!!! My little loves are still healthy and moving around sticking out limbs and probably finding it amusing that they just stabbed mommy in the ribs. haa I still am in no pain, haven't dilated anymore than last time well they haven't checked so  I am assuming I haven't. Contractions started up again a little more frequent yesterday afternoon around 6 but no pain, still random. I really am so thankful and know God's favor is on my life, it has been, but there comes a point where you expect certain things from people who are suppose to KNOW what they are doing and the frustration that comes with them not knowing when your trusting them. Let's just hope these healthy babies come soon so we can all three get out of here asap!!!

here's to meltdown number 1

Wow! I didn't realize how lonely I was in here until my family just came to visit and now has gone back home so they can go to work tomorrow morning. But it's extremely lonely, I'm already crying and they haven't even been gone 10 minutes. As soon as my husband walked out the door tears just started rolling out of nowhere. Maybe it's just my hormones making me emotional, but I just feel so cooped up like a prisoner in here. Especially since I feel fine it's not like I'm sick or need the doctors for anything until I actually go into active labor. I pray and I hope it doesn't sound selfish but I pray these babies come soon. Don't get me wrong I want my little ones to be as healthy as possible but its not anything out of the ordinary for them to come and be just fine right now. It's happening everyday right here up and down the halls from me. On the other hand I feel so so selfish and ungrateful feeling like this when just down the hall there is a girl who has been in here since she was 19 weeks and is now at 25 but still has the rest of her pregnancy to go. Because of a condition where her cervix has a tear or something similar and so they have to  be able to get to her immediately if something goes wrong. I can't even begin to imagine what shes going through and thinking everyday. I've been thanking God everyday all day while in here after hearing of all the stories and seeing stories on the baby channel of babies who are ill or women who have complications and lives are at stake. Here I am 100% healthy and well and so are my babies, both babies not just one, and I'm crying over feeling lonely. In the big scheme of things this lonely feeling will be over in such a short span of time compared to what all of these people around me are facing... I mean I'm still human too but I still feel bad for feeling anything less than 'happy'....

Preterm Labor....say what?

Yesterday made a week I have been in this hospital room! A whole week already! Well not 'already' I mean it has felt like an eternity most days. Looks like these little love bugs of mine tried coming last week at 31 weeks and 5 days....We do nothing normal or average in this family!

Last Wednesday I had what I thought were just Braxton Hicks all day it seemed. My stomach was just tightening up A LOT and really really HARD! The difference was my back was so achy on the right side and my right upper thigh was just as achy. I searched every symptom to preterm labor, labor with twins, everything and I swear I was like oh I have that! Yep that too, oh and then there is the upper thigh ache. Of course me not knowing labor from any other pain I didn't want to call the doctor and be a over dramatic first mom, ya know. So I didn't.... until I had a contraction that included the same pain in my back and lower right pelvic area all tightening at the sametime. That's when I found it necessary to call the doctor. He said to go to the hospital and just get looked at, and let them listen to the babies. So around 4 p.m Momma took me up and they wheeled me to the maternity floor. I have to be honest I felt silly because I didn't want them to think I was just being a baby (no pun intended) I've never been wheeled anywhere, I thought I was capable of walking but they didn't.

Once in my beautiful over sized hospital gown the nurse hooked me up to the heart beat and contraction monitors, then checked my cervix. She said it was still closed and was happy with that. After an hour of monitoring the babies she said I was good to go home and the doctor would be in shortly to release me. Here came this doctor with the longest eyelashes I had ever seen, he said I just wanna check your cervix and you should be on your way. That's when his expression changed from calm to those eyes getting bigger, I had dilated to a 4 in just that hour, with no pain, or contractions that I could feel. By 7:30 I was taken to New Hanover's hospital with IV's in both arms pumping magnesium, penicillin and fluids. Oh and one steroid shot down, the other would come in 24 hours. Those 48 hours from 4 pm on Wednesday till Friday at roughly 6 pm I was laid out from that mag, that is the worst stuff. I had dilated to a 6, had my second shot for the babies lungs and could finally come off all the medicine and IV's attached to me.

Nothing much has changed except for them coming down even further. The doctor was able to feel Malachi's sac when I was last checked which I found so amazing for some reason ha. I am now sitting in my own room writing this, watching Food Network and trying to adjust every time these little boys kick me in the ribs. I am to far dilated to go home so I have to hangout here till they actually come. No more stopping contractions if they start again. However three days ago I had them steady all day but they didn't change my cervix and there still is no pain anywhere. I am looking at this as very thankful, some people are screaming to get to 2 cm. I went to 6 and didn't even know it. The doctors are okay if they end up coming at this point because they got the shots and they do weigh 4 lbs 3 oz each when checked on Monday. If they have to go to the NICU when they arrive (whenever that is) I don't think they will be there long. I know they will be healthy and strong. Most of all I know God's got His hand of protection over them. I just have to get through sitting in this room alone for up to a possible four weeks. That is the challenge and keeping my sanity.

whats really in a name???

I've never really had to think about how important picking a name was until these past few months. You can see I wasn't very good at it when it came to our first son (our dog) he got stuck with Buddy. How original right? At first I thought I had names all picked out. If it was just a boy like we assumed we were good with Harper, reason being it was musically based (Travis is a musician), modern, unisex, so we thought it fit. Once we realized it was twins I automatically hoped for a girl and a boy so then we were set on Sophie and Harper. But finally that day in the dark ultrasound room when we heard the words 'two boys' everything went out the window and we were back at the drawling board!!

Just that quick everything changed all of a sudden it all became such a serious matter. Those names were 'cute' but now they needed to be strong, manly names. Names with meanings much deeper than "music" or just the fact I "liked it". I soon realized God had a greater purpose for these babies and that it is my job to seek Him for everything concerning them. He showed me one night in a dream scripture that I had never read before, it came through a lady in our church that had passed away about 4 months before this happened. She was the definition of a Godly woman, a praying woman. She in my opinion was the closest person to God I knew. I trusted anything she said and knew she heard and spoke to God daily, she had prophesied over a many of people all around the world, saw limbs grow back and miracles happen all the time, big or small. In my dream she started preaching to me out of  Luke 10, she also specifically said Luke 10:11. Because this dream was so real, I ended up reading the scriptures the next morning. The very first verse says this :

 After these things the Lord appointed seventy others also,[a] and sent them two by two before His face into every city and place where He Himself was about to go. 

That alone I took note of, two by two and were having twins. Just the whole chapter let me know these babies have a purpose greater than I know.

..So I decided to start praying and asking God what we were suppose to name them. Over the next few days of reading names and looking up meanings I had decided that I've always liked Malachi but never even knew it was a biblical name, I first heard it on Save The Last Dance (my favorite movie) but every time I had mentioned it to Trav he wasn't 100%. So we kept looking, he had been liking Elijah since we found out we were pregnant but I kept saying no. For the next two weeks I continued to pray about it and then it was like everywhere I looked or everything I heard was either Malachi or Elijah. Whether it was at church or TD Jakes preaching, t.v., so I went and looked up the meanings of both names. Malachi means "God's Messenger" and Elijah "Jehovah is God". Well those meanings fit everything I believe these babies are purposed for.

Then the settling factor was one Thursday morning I woke up turned on the TV and the very first thing I heard was that man from the 700 club say (no joke) "in the book of Malachi it talks about raising Godly children" that was my confirmation, so I grabbed the Bible and turned to Malachi and read it to see exactly who he was and what he did. I was amazed that it does talk about raising Godly children, it talks about divorce which was where we almost ended up but was raised up from, then in the last page he talks about Elijah. That blew my mind, I was sold. I didn't know prior to that he was for telling of the second Elijah who happened to be John the Baptist. It was like duh that's your babies names. How much clearer did He have to be. I also read about Elijah in Kings that morning to find out about him too.

When I told Travis that afternoon there were no questions or confusion about it. We just knew and so now I know without a shadow of doubt that my marriage is of God and that Travis was created for me, and now I also know I didn't just pick names for my children but God gave me there names.

Its amazing when you can say that to someone, or just to know it in your spirit that God has shown you things, talked to you, gave you visions and dreams and you are on the right track. Nothing compares to that. My prayer is that everything in my life I can say I know because He has told me, whether it be a house, car, job, friends, anything and everything. Anything less and your left wondering around this big ol' world aimlessly

8 Months in one post

Lets start with a quick recap of the past ummm 8 months! ha!...

...March 4th this year I started seeing how God was putting my life back together. That night He restored my marriage 100 fold. After a year of separation and divorce pending He put it back together in one night. From that night we have been inseparable!! Just for the simple fact that I want to make it a little more dramatic that was a Sunday night, by Tuesday morning (my first day back to work since our "reuniting") I walk into hearing my Momma telling her client that she felt like she was going to be getting some grandbabies real soon. Now let me mind you, it had only been two days, babies was not even a thought in my head yet. I was still amazed at God's goodness and the fact that miraculously I had this on fire marriage with the only man I've ever loved. Trying to take it in still was my only concern.

...March 13th, one week later at church service that night, I was prophesied over. To be exact He prophesied over my womb that there be no miscarriage, no problems, no defects and that it work the way God intended it to. This man did not know me from Adam, he did not know Travis and I had just gotten back together, nothing. So now not only Momma is talking kids, and my clients, but now God I guess was hinting to me that it was all going to be okay when it happened. Little did I know there was already not one but two babies in there forming!!

...March 19th, exactly two weeks after getting back together I decided to go ahead and pee on the stick, everyone had been talking so much baby stuff, my girl friends were finding out they were pregnant and I figured why not. There it was one bright line and one really really faint second line. Seeings how I've never seen a positive pregnancy test before I didn't know if that meant 100% yes because it was SOOO faint! Now this is the moment where people scream, and cry, and jump up and down, however most people express there joy, me on the other hand I'm a little more of a OMG! on the inside person. Then it hits me later what actually is taking place. I wanted to do something clever to tell Travis but that meant waiting till the next day and trying to hold it in, which was impossible!! So when we were getting in bed I just handed him the test and said here.. his eyes got big and his response "na-uh already" I said well I think that means yes. Then with a big grin he said 'it's a boy'.

(this actually is the 3rd one I took to show my Momma) 

Seeings how I didn't have some creative idea to tell my husband, I decided I would try to do something cute to tell mom. I wanted to include Buddy, our first baby, and let him run through her house with the test and balloons tied to his collar and see just how long it would take her to realize what they said. So I made him a BIG BROTHER t-shirt and attempted to tie the balloons but he jumped out the car and ran in to fast, go figure ha! 

April 24,2012

(yes we were deff cheesin')

....our first ultrasound showed not one but two babies!!! That moment was a pretty amazing one, she had found the first baby and was about to put it up when I asked, "so there's only one in there, were not having two?" before she could get it out she ran the thing over baby B and saw a second sac and heartbeat. Both of our mouths dropped and Travis' reaction again was "na-uh" hahaa gotta love him :) That night it felt like we were just finding out all over again that we were pregnant!!


Fast forward to today October 9, I have had the best pregnancy I could have ever asked for or imagined! I had a week maybe of feeling nasty but no morning sickness, I've had no pain or problems. The babies have been growing right on track if not a tiny bit more. I think as of today I have gained about 27 pounds, which is right where my doctor wants me. I have worked right up until last week which was 31 weeks so I am proud of myself. I feel like I am going to pop, for the most part I am all belly, which I am still amazed at. I thought for sure I would blow up like a whale. But thank the Lord I haven't. I have been very blessed this whole pregnancy, God has shown me favor in it and I am so thankful. Thankful for my health and most importantly their health. So it's still just a waiting game at this point, 32 weeks 3 days and hanging in there...