Apple.Eve.Phone.

random thought I had no too long ago.... bare with me..

So as my iphone was turning back on one day from dying I was looking at the apple symbol with the bite out of it and the first thing that came to mind was Eve and taking the bite out of the apple in the garden of Eden. Next thought was the serpent, then I just went on this crazy but what felt like enlightening thought process of what these iphones might actually be. so here we go..

hahahaha I dont think your ready... Trav wasnt when I told him, he kinda just looked at me like "umm, no!"

OKAY... so weve established that the apple with the bite out of it was basically the first sin. Then I got to thinking hmmm... the devil is the one who tempted Eve with the apple, how ironic that its the symbol of this product that the world has to have.  okay so everyone, alright alright, almost everyone has an iphone now a days and/or Mac product, maybe its a form of what ultimately will end up being the mark of the beast. I know a little far fetched. But honestly the more I think of the symbol it messes with my head. Yes I know it comes from Macintosh and that is a type of apple, but what if it really is deeper than that, maybe not fleshly but spiritually? And I know the mark of the beast will be on the forehead or hand but this could just be one of the many things that are leading us that way..

Too deep? did I really over think this one? Yall think I am crazy now like Trav huh? Surely someone else has to see the connections that are all over this... or is it just me? too much time on my hands, I dont get out enough probably? need some more adult conversation?

well I either completely lost you or invoked you think about it...

I mean the gps, all the things that these products can do, they hold all our info, locations, conversations, cameras... isnt that what the Antichrist is going to be all about after the Rapture? He is going to rule the world, and know everything about everyone. every move, conversation, everything..

Yes I have an iphone myself and I swear every time the thing cuts back on I have these thoughts and freak myself out a little.

So anyways theres that for the night... talk to yall soon :)

Oh Mother.

When I think about being a mother it takes me on an emotional roller coaster. Literally from one extreme to the other.Within the 24 hours that a day holds I have usually felt everything from laughter to tears. Being a mother is a beautiful challenge, wondering if your even doing it right, everyone has an opinion on how you should raise your children, this is how they did it or would do it. I try to read as much as I can, pray as much as I can and do as much as I can. My boys are my world, I know whether anyone ever tells me again, that I am a amazing mother. If I do nothing else right in this lifetime this I will be proud of myself for. There may be lots of moments I want to hide and cry but there's so many more moments that I never want to end that makeup for it. Like when Chi out of nowhere grabbed my face with both his hands and kissed me and then kissed me again. When Elijah comes and just wants to hug on me and cuddle up after he wakes up. They most definitely are wild, energetic little beings but I'll keep improving myself (patience, anxiety, getting overwhelmed so easily) to take care of them the right way, making myself the best I can be for them. I want to be the all that God designed me to be for them, so they can fulfill their callings and make sure I don't hinder that. Motherhood, it is a title that carries so much weight and even more love. It is a title that at times can make you lose sight of your own identity but at the same time is one of the greatest identities to have. As I write this I have one little curly red headed sweaty boy far off in a dream laid on my chest, and his brother in his crib napping  away. 

Today I heard the song that says 'it won't be like this for long...soon they will be grown up and be gone' and as we were driving I couldn't help but cry a little. I don't ever want them to grow up and I most definitely don't ever want them to leave. They are my babies who I fought to bring into this world with pain and complications. I don't ever want to have to share them, or not have them right by my side. I've also started getting emotional when watching the Mother Son dances at the weddings lately too, because I know what I feel when I'm dancing with the boys now, teaching them to not step on my feet, to spin, give kisses, and hold my hand. I just don't want that 'final' dance to come where I am giving them away to someone else. I know it sounds so dumb and selfish but its how I feel right now. Luckily I got at least 17 years or realistically Jesus will be back before then probably so were good.

Dont laugh.. He probably will... can you imagine the shape this world will be in 17 years from now...So are you ready?

anyways.. where were we...

I want to hold them while they sleep forever, wipe away their tears and be right there to see their silly faces. I want to hold their hands when taking walks and dance with them till they don't want to dance anymore. I want to kiss their boo boos and tell them it's okay now because Mommy made it better. That they are strong and will be okay go try again. I want to read them Fox in Socks a hundred times until I don't stumble on any of the words, even tho they laugh at me when I mess up. I want to watch them run down the beach with no care in this world except for where's the next hole we can jump in or castle we can destroy. They will always be Mommy's little boys, wild, handsome, thoughtful boys. 

 I want to encourage them to do things they are scared of instead of being scared too and holding them back out of fear. I want them to learn to love everyone no matter how someone else feels about that person. I want to teach them it's okay to be upset, angry and hurt but how to channel that the right way. How to be polite and always a gentleman when around females. I want to teach them that even tho they may not get what they want to be thankful for what they already have. I want to teach them to be able to go into a store and not expect something or throw a fit just to get something, because life doesn't work that way. Sometimes it isn't fair and doesn't make sense but that is the real world. I want them to be intelligent and know that it's important to learn all that they can, never thinking they know it all because nobody likes a 'know it all'. I want them to be sensitive and express emotion and not be like people assume men should be and have no emotion. I want to teach them to communicate, listen when needed and talk TO people not AT people. I want them to love Jesus all the days of their lives, to teach others about Him and have compassion for the lost. I want them to be Godly examples to any and everyone around them. Yes, they will make mistakes, not always the best choices, I know that but I expect great things out of them. At this point you might be thinking 'she expects too much, unrealistic things or is being too protective' well they are my children, you raise yours how you want'. 

Since becoming a mother I've learned so much about myself and continue to pretty much everyday. I've known from before I ever got pregnant that if I was just half of the mother that mine was and is then I would be just fine. I had the greatest example to follow, she's always been thoughtful, sympathetic, compassionate, strong, very very strong, intelligent, funny, has always put me before herself. She has always let me make my own opinions about things, taught me to befriend the ones who others wouldn't. That I am no better than the person beside me. She taught me to love Jesus, to depend on Him, to pray. She has shown me how to worship and what it is. She has shown me how to be respectful and polite, how to not let what others say about me effect me. That people are only mean and hateful because of their own insecurities and issues. She has been there for every little and big event in my life. She has pushed me and encouraged me but never forced me to do things I didn't want to. She has been my mother, she never tried to be my friend. She didn't care what other kids were allowed to do or what their parents allowed because I wasn't them and neither was she. She needed to know where I was, who I was with and what I was doing 95% of the time and I respected that because she cared, she was doing what a mother should do.Now she is my best friend, now that I am an adult, that's the way its suppose to be. We definitely don't see eye to eye on a lot of things like my tattoos and such but that's okay. I am me, a version of her, but me. I've truly had the greatest footsteps to follow in. I cant imagine life without my Momma in it, I need her daily and I will forever be her sweetie.

Happy Mothers Day to every momma who may be reading this and I hope you have a wonderful day. I hope you know that you are doing a great job, despite what the house may look like, or how backed up laundry is, and even if you don't remember the last time you cooked an actual meal. If your children are healthy, playing an laughing then that is really all that matters at the end of the day. Be the best that you can be, not what someone else or the world tries to tell us to be as mothers. Don't let the Pinterest mom who has time to cut out sandwiches in stars and fruit too make you feel like any less of a mother because you don't do that. Or the ones that act like they got it all under control because no one will ever have it all under control. It is forever a learning experience, and just when you get one phase under control its time for the next phase. So do what you can, make memories, everything else can wait! Whether you have one baby, three kids or multiples like myself it is a lot of work, but so rewarding. To the single mothers, I applaud you! You are stronger than me, you are fierce, and when it gets tough remember God wont put anything on you that you cannot handle. From one Momma to another count all your blessings this mothers day and know that you are amazing.

letting go.

I am going to take a moment and be vulnerable. Theres a lot I would like to talk about but I think I want to open up about something that always confuses me when I hit this phase of life. Its a repetitive phase, well I mean I have felt this way at different times in my life. I can't pinpoint the other times but I just know this feeling.

I unfortunately am a worrier.

yea I know I am not proud of it.

I've gotten better about worrying less about what others think, because quite frankly people are going to think whatever they want to think. At the end of the day I really aint got time for all that. Bishop Jakes says its none of my business what others think of me....

But the thing I struggle with most is money. Being financially stable, having what we need and even want. Paying our bills on time, even trying to save money, just trying to be smart with money. With that being said all of last year I would just talk to God about it, about blessing us somehow to get ahead, for promotions. I would be so incredibly stressed out and just not understanding how or why we had to struggle so hard. Ultimately listening to Bishop Jakes every week got me through because he is very clear about there will always be a struggle in life. That struggle is even necessary, because without the struggle you cannot appreciate the breakthrough. You wouldn't know the difference if you've never had to struggle in life. That Jesus didn't have a smooth ride while here on earth. And if Jesus had to go through hard times what makes you think you wont.

But everyday I would just worry about it, I just felt like my prayers were always begging God to help. He opened doors for raises, extra income, gave me a company to become part of. I saw those things and obviously thanked Him everyday, but it just still wasnt really enough. We were still behind, still struggling. But because I was constantly talking to God and expecting great and wonderful miracles I just felt close to Him. I know that is kind of odd. After awhile I started trying to stop worrying and start just trusting and not beggin Him daily about the same ol thing, that He already knew before I even had to mention it. It's not like He forgot or doesnt know the outcome already. duh!

anyways...

So its like all of a sudden I stopped worrying and let go of the stress concerning our finances. I don't really know how or when but I did, and we've been caught up on everything. Thanks to tax returns we've been able to really get caught up and do more that needed to be done. Yes I thanked Him and still do, if I am being completely transparent I don't thank Him enough, doesnt mean I am not grateful and thankful but I need to say it more. But because I am not begging daily anymore I feel like I am not as close as I was with God. That is the part that confuses me. I think its because so many people want to talk about how in order to love Jesus you have to always stay in the struggle and there is never an end to it. So I almost feel like because I'm not sitting around stressed out and praying about the same exact thing over and over that I am not doing all that I can be doing. As tho I am wrong. I don't know really how to explain it, maybe I am the only one who feels like this.

All I know is that I still know I cant go a day without Him, even on the days I don't acknowledge Him as I should, or even talk to Him like I should. I know that He is always providing for us, I know He will never fail me, never leave me. I know that I am a thankful person, for absolutely everything I have ever had and will have and even the things I havent had or He has kept form me.

I also deal with not feeling like I am worthy of the breakthrough and blessings or that I am enough..  That would be my other biggest problem I have in life. however that is another blog post.. I am still thinking about that one..