Late nite chit chat:)

Late night rambles.. Why not. 

I've been working on a post that I wanted to go up on Father's Day but as you can tell you have yet to read it. I've been pretty MIA lately with this whole blog situation, I feel like that's the story of my life. I start things and rarely finish them, I'm that person and I'm not happy about it but I get so in the moment and then I'm over it, on to the next thing that catches my eye. I've read that creative people tend to have this problem along with many other problems. 

So this body issue I like to talk about every so often is still the same, now that I'm tan I feel more confident. My teeth look whiter, hair looks lighter, body looks thinner or so I like to think. I actually wear a bikini to the beach and don't think much about what others are possibly thinking. It's a great feeling, last year I would hide behind clothes and not enjoy the beach with the boys. This year tho complete opposite! But let's be honest if I had the money and a babysitter for a few weeks I'd be laid out on the operating table getting fat transferred and some new boobs! Until that day, I'm pretty okay with the now 'me'! 

The boys are amazing per usual! Counting, saying their ABC's, talking clearer, being the little smart gingers they are. They love to sing and dance, cuddles have gotten more frequent, they are cleaning( laundry, sweeping, vacuuming, dusting, dishwasher) can't wait till their five and I won't have to do anything hahahahaha it will be like I'm rich and a queen. Just kidding.  But they do love to clean! Hallelujah.

Had a cards night not too long ago with a bunch of friends. Even tho I didn't really play it was a lot of fun for me, to finally be doing things that didn't revolve around kids. Just enjoy the company and conversation of people around our ages! Hope to make a habit of it!! 

I think I'm hungry and that's why I'm wide awake.. Or MAYBE these thoughts that keep running thru my head. So much is always going on in there, it never stops. Trying to determine right from wrong, good and bad, fun or boring, temporary or permanent, present or future. It never stops. 

I've been trying to plan my Fourth of July outfit since I got in bed, it's the same fight I have every freaking year! Do I want to wear shorts and a tank and be comfy or do I want to wear a dress and be pretty! Ugh such a struggle. Yall know me and I'll take any opportunity to wear a dress and glam it up! But then I see these other girls in there short shorts and tank tops looking all effortless and I just don't know what to do! Actually I just figured it out, the question really comes down to : do I want to look like everyone else or stand out from the crowd? And well I'm not a follower so see there how I just solved my own problem. Perfect. Thanks for helping. 

I will need my momma do give me a mani and a pedi before then tho, and I have to decide hair up or down and makeup, oh and maybe I'll touch up my tan (both at the beach and in my bathroom). 

Well my heads hurting now from looking at this bright phone while laying in the dark so let's hope this time I can ever so sweetly drift off into a dream about Ruby Rose haha just kidding okay Channing Tatum because his movie trailers have been everywhere I looked today. 

Goodnight :) 

Escape.

One of those days/nights when I'm completely overwhelmed and in serious need of an escape. So I did just that, I'm sitting at the beach and listening to the ocean roar, the cars drive past, the crickets chirp and the tourist talking. I am silently praying I don't get eaten alive from the Mosquitos that creep through the cracked windows... Mosquitos shouldn't live at the ocean! Why can't they stay in the woods where they belong, where you won't ever find me?! 

Today has been such a long day! It felt like it was 10am for hours... I just have a lot going on in this head of mine, so many thoughts, opinions, questions. I just feel like I could bust, I'm still trying to find where I can squeeze some money from different areas of our finances to go see a therapist/shrink/counselor whatever you would like to call it. I've always wanted to do that and really believe it does a world of good to just let it all out to someone who has no preconceived idea of what your talking about and the people in your life. Call me crazy I don't really care. I know it would be so beneficial for me. 

I don't like being snappy or short. Some might would say demanding...haha (it's really not funny). I don't like feeling like it's all too much and letting it build up, I like to get things out of my head and off of my chest. It's refreshing and makes me feel so much lighter. But sometimes it just doesn't happen like that and days go by and it builds and builds. Then I end up here, my escape from reality. Where I take in the beauty of Gods work, where I sit and think, talk to Him, or in this case write. No other place makes me feel like the beach does. I am so thankful we moved here sixteen years ago. I don't ever see myself leaving. 

I've got some great adventures ahead of me, some amazing doors are opening for me to walk thru. I am pretty excited for all of it, seeing Gods hand in every bit of it. Seeing more things that have been spoken over me (prophesied to me) come to pass. Knowing it's where I am suppose to be, even though I've been feeling a little lost again lately. It gives me hope that I'm doing something right. It's all the opportunities to do the things I've talked about and dreamed of the past few years. What's really cool to me is that I haven't intentionally helped or made these things happen they literally have been dropped in my lap and I've been asked to do them. That's how I know it's all God. He really will give you the desires of your heart, when the desires are in line with what He wants you to do and fulfilling your purpose here on earth. So Pastor has been really drilling 'Greater is He that is in you, than he that is in the world' & 'if God is for you than who can be against you' in his sermons lately. It's what I keep thinking about and it's the truth. That was kinda random I know, but I guess it needed to make its way in here for someone else to read! 

I just don't know how people live and make it thru everyday that don't believe in Jesus, that don't talk to God. When things go wrong who do you turn to? When they go crazy right who do you give praise to? When your lonely who do you lean on? When you can't tell anyone else 'that one thing' what do you do? I can't live without Him. He is why I live, He created my very being, knows how many hairs are on my head. Knows how many freckles are on my nose. Knows my heart when no one else can seem to understand it. My thoughts when others think they should be different. The voids that I can't seem to fill, the happiness and joy. He knows every single thing about me. He knows why he made me this way, why my body is shaped like this, why I over think things, why I have too high of standards for others. It just amazes me that people don't believe. 

Well my phones on 20% and I forgot my charger so I guess that ends this little soul bearing session tonight. Sweet dreams loves.