It gets dark so quick these days that I think it has this overwhelming effect on my mood, emotions, hormones whatever you would like to call it. On the days that I just feel like I could busts it usually starts around 4ish and just escalates from there. It's like everything big or small just takes me on this roller coaster and my poor husband has to walk into it and deal with it for the next few hours till I can get it under control with praise and prayer. Thankfully his lack of emotion from being a Thompson makes him able to continue to be married to me and not go on the roller coaster ride with me. He just lets me get it all out and then goes on doing his thing. It's the most aggravating and amazing thing that he can be like that. To not let things effect him, meanwhile I'm almost in tears over something as simple as the laundry not being put up.
Maybe it's part of my personality type and other people feel and do this same thing. It usually starts with the house looking like a category 5 hurricane came blowing through up lifting every toy in a 10 mile radius and dropping them all back on my floors. The clothes that get washed and dried but then sit in the clothes baskets for days on end till we wear them again, meanwhile almost everyday the boys find it necessary to play with the same clothes baskets and dumping them out wherever they please. By the third or fourth day of them dumping them out, well now its time to wash them again with the crumbs, dirt and dog hair I assume they've gotten on them. So add another three loads of laundry to the list. The dishwasher is a very handy thing to have unless your like us and the clean dishes just sit in there (like the clothes in the clothes baskets) until they are basically all used and the dirty dishes are piled on the counter beside the sink. The boys love to help unload it which is great when we actually do. Vacuuming is a battle, close to world war 3 in our house. Elijah thinks that he should be the one to vacuum the whole house. Yes that sounds like a win, but not at three years old and when after 20 minutes of him going over the same few spots you have to redo it all while he's screaming and in the way wanting to do it himself still. So it's not a battle I choose often. Thank God for the dog when it comes to the big crumbs. But don't let Chi play with Buddy too much while he's cleaning up those crumbs because then he's breaking out, itching, eyes are swelling from his dog allergy. Though they say keep the dog in hopes it helps him become immune to them. Now it's dinner time and I usually cook, but there is no family sit down dinner. It's eat while you can, when you can, most the times the boys don't eat. Which means I feel like they are going to starve to death in their sleep, or now they know how to get out of going to sleep they just say "I hungry" at midnight and I feel like it's neglect if I tell them no, so I go find something to make them so they can hopefully sleep through the night with a fully tummy. But at 4am they are coming to our bed and I'm going to the couch ohh, 3-4 times a week. Things like our house still looking like we just moved in because we can't make it reflect us really really gets to me, especially when I have these creative urges to go finally have a 'grownup' bedroom, but instead looks like Laundry Mat with a mattress in it.
And that is just the things that overwhelm me inside our house..
On the outside of our home is a whole other story!
So we have to resign a year lease in February, which is fine. BUT I want my own house soooooooooooo did I say so? So bad! It's been 7 longs years in places that weren't ours. Never really being able to make it our own because we either were moving in 12 months or just wasn't allowed to do anything inside. Meanwhile everybody else around us younger and older are all buying, have bought, have bought -sold- and re bought houses and we're still out here renting. I just don't understand why it's never been our time. We have looked for 4 years now and have even put in offers at times and nothing ever works out. I definitely don't want to get ahead of Gods plan but I just wish I knew why it never works for us. I walked into a house Monday that was absolutely everything I dream of. The outside, inside, even the decor these people had was my dream house. So now I'm like 'really God? You trying to be funny?' But on the same note I'm thinking 'are you trying to show me what I could have? Maybe what You have for us... When the time is right? So I get so upset and stressed out when seeing everyone else buying homes or decorating their homes and the excitement they have doing so.
MOMMY GUILT!!
It's a huge one, from day one, probably for the rest of my life! I always have it when I do something without the boys and without Travis. I ultimately feel like I shouldn't be out and enjoying myself while they are at home or elsewhere. Maybe once every two weeks I go out to dinner and a book store or something with my very good friend and I just wish it could last longer than a few hours. Like I need a six straight hour getaway every week. It is so incredibly refreshing for me. But then before actually leaving to go I always feel like it's selfish, I don't need to leave, I don't deserve the outing, I have to much to do at home... Goes on and on. What I'd really really really like is two of those six hour straight days, one with each of my Bestfriends.
( the third bestfriend is out of commission for the next 6 months with babies, haha)
I hate the word escape because my life is so beautiful I wouldn't ever want to escape from my husband and babies but just some time to not have to be responsible, just relax and enjoy the moment. Talking about things that only they can understand, without having to worry about a care in the world. I get to breathe and then go back in and be a better mother and wife. It's just that initial making the plan and finding the time. I think maybe I should just make it a set schedule every week same time.
All these things just build up and build up on me around the time it starts to get dark out. Which is so weird, but that's when it happens. Financial issues, plus those stresses really gets me in bad shape. The only way.... (after I've dwelled in my little pity party and running away to breathe isn't an option...) I start to realize the only way out of it is to Praise God for all that I do have, have accomplished, His mercy, Grace, Forgiveness. For every bad day that's there's someone who has it worse, that in fact I don't have it bad at all. He is my provision, His plan is greater than mine as is His timing. I just can't understand why He can't put me in my dream house already! But He knows and that's where my faith has got to just trust and follow. So that's what I do. Ask for forgiveness after these melt downs and pick myself back up and thank Him and keep going!
I do believe the darkness has a huge part in my moods though, might sound crazy, but it does. I'm always good throughout the day, I just wish it was light out till 8-9pm like in July, all year round. I'm a happier person in the spring and summer months. Well I'm sure some of you other mommas out there can relate. I know I'm not alone, I'm usually just one of the few who will admit these feelings and things. I can't act like I got it all together, my life isn't organized and yours isn't either. Now trying to find this time for my best friends birthday this weekend... The guilt has already set in. Hahaha so see the struggle is real in the hood:) and the Winter Blues have got me!
