I am fighting so many emotions being in here. This is the hardest thing to just sit and wait. Each day I feel like i'm one day closer to it being over but then that only last for a few moments. I broke down again yesterday pretty much out of nowhere, I even surprised myself. I was fine then all of a sudden I sat down and just lost it. I had decided I was going home and felt safe enough to do so at this point. Then when I was signing the discharge papers I realized insurance would no longer cover anything if I left so then I was back to having no control over the situation and had to stay. So Dr. P ripped up the paper and I think genuinely felt bad for me, because he knows its just for the simple fact I am so dilated that I have to be here. And the fact that it will be another 3 weeks before they induce me unless I go on my own.
I don't know if it is just not having control over the situation that is the main problem or if its other things. But I feel so ungrateful, more than I can describe for complaining about being here when like I have said before my babies and I are perfectly healthy. I try to shake it, I thank God over and over for everything but I still feel like I am not being thankful. That is the hard part, feeling selfish, guilty, ungrateful. Especially when that has never been my nature. I have never felt like this.
I try to think okay God, maybe You put me here to meet someone and be a blessing or vice versa. Maybe it's just for my protection, maybe He's keeping me from harm that would potentially be in my way if I weren't here. Maybe He is testing my trust in Him, I always say and wholeheartedly trust in only Him for every aspect of my life, but maybe He's making me live it even more so by being here. In that case I feel like a failure most days. I don't even think that I question His will but I am just always trying to figure it out so I do right. That's where I mess up. I always want to be on the right track and in His will, but sometimes when He is quiet or when I am not quiet it's hard to know if I am doing what He would have me do. I have no desire for my will or anyone else's only His. Most people can say that but not mean it in there hearts. If I never say it at least I honestly know in my heart He is pleased. I love the Lord and depend on Him for every second of my life. I know He holds my world in His hands, so trying to always make sure I please Him is my number one struggle in this life. I just want to know I bring pleasure to Him when He looks on me. So here is to getting back up after failing yesterday and trying to hold out and be kind, happy and thankful for the next however many days He keeps me in here.
I must say though I can not wait to hold my boys, I want to see their little faces so bad. I want to touch their little toes and fingers and kiss their foreheads every second of the day. I just want to see them!! I keep wondering what that initial moment will feel like, when they come out. Will they take my breath away? Will I cry like an emotional basket case? Will I just lay in amazement at the thought I was chosen to birth and raise these two precious babies. Out of everybody in this world He chose me to call them sons, for them to call me Mommy. What will their personalities be like? What traits will they have of mine, of Travis'? Will they look alike? Different? Like me or more like their Daddy? I just wish I could see them right now, hold them for the rest of my life. I will ever seek God to be the mother He would have me be to these babies He has already called out. He has already set them apart. He has already called them prophets to this nation. Before they were even born. In scripture and in real life. Malachi and Elijah Mommy is ready for you. I promise to always do for you and raise you in a Godly home. Pray over and for you every single day. You will grow up to know who created you from before your Mommy and Daddy were ever a couple. Before the sun was ever hung in the sky He knew you.
"Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart, I called you as a prophet to the nations" Jeremiah 1:5
Thank you God.
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