I feel like I know the lessons I've learned from this season and they are major ones but why is it still going on? Why does it seem to be getting worse? Surely it has to be time for a new one soon right? I mean two years seems like forever, yes I know they went through much much much worse in the bible, yes I know God always took care of them and He will us. Yes I know I will praise and worship Him regardless of my circumstance around me. I know that I know these things.
So anytime now it can switch on into a new one. One that seems much like spring not the absolute dead of winter. I've worried, then I've given it to God to handle because there is no possible way or thing I can do to change this season. I've tried! And we'll I've tried again! I've cried, I've begged, I've pleaded, I've just wanted to sleep until it all changes and things are better, I can't see what God is doing and what He has on the other end of this. If I could, if I could just see a glimpse then maybe I could find some type of meaning in this, I just can't understand why He would give me something and then make me struggle for two years to even take care of it.
Don't start on me about sacrifices because you will lose whatever relationship we may have, I know all about sacrifices, I'm not the spoiled, diva everyone seems to run off at the mouth about all my life. I'm pretty sure I've sacrificed the same if not more than a lot of others young and old. So it's best if you keep those remarks to yourself. I just need some glimpse of hope, that there is a way out and it's coming. I've been believing, expecting, speaking, hearing time and time again about this breakthrough that's coming and I know it has to be out there somewhere I just wish it would happen NOW!! It's so hard to be patient when your timeline isn't the same as Gods. His obviously is the right on time one and mine isn't even though I wish it was. I'm just tired of talking about the struggle I'm ready to brag about how He has turned it all completely around and we can't contain it.
If you believe that we should always struggle and be without and that in order to be a Christian you have to be poor and burdened your entire life than I'm sorry. I don't, I believe where there is a struggle there is a blessing to follow. I believe the greater the struggle the greater the blessing. I believe God wants us to be able to take care of our children and their needs. I believe that we should be able to lend to others and borrow from none, I believe I am the head and not the tail, I believe that He is my Shepherd and I shall not want. I believe I am a Kings daughter and an heir to Him. I believe these things, I have to, if I don't I would be in some type of mess because the way things are right now would send me into a depression and my family would suffer from that. Travis wouldn't be able to stand me and my children would see the worst in me. Not being able to give your child what they need is the absolute worst feeling in the whole entire world! I don't believe in bringing children into this world if you have to live off the government and can't give them what they need. But I also didn't have a say in being a human producing beast that makes two at a time either so I have to Solely rely on God to do it, to provide, take care of them. There is a greater purpose behind them, I just want to be the absolute best mother and wife I can and when your constantly worried about bills and stressed out it robs that greatness from you. So I hope very very very soon I can write about how a tremendous miracle happened and have some peace of mind. This weight to be lifted from above us that's pounding us down. Another miraculous testimony of His goodness and plan for our lives. To the ones who believe like I do I thank you in advance for your prayers.
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