I don't think anyone knows this except maybe 3 people but I sorta tried to start writing a book back when we were separated. I always thought it would be neat to do so but I am not a 'professional' writer, English was my worst subject I can tell you what a Noun and a Verb are and that is about it. Yeah, I know so then why even think about a book, well I had a great client who was a writer (actually published books and did well) tell me to try it one day just from her hearing me talk and my outlook on life. At that point in time I had some free time.... okay A LOT of free time to do so, so I just for fun started with 3 chapters. I found that writing about my current situation was super easy (everybody can write when they are heartbroken duh! just go read my other blog http://consciouslyconfident.blogspot.com/) so I thought it would be fun to share just the first chapter with y'all....
Dont JUDGE me!!
....and church people there is one little part about the praise and worship but seriously dont take it personal it was in between the split and all that jazz.... You guys are AMAZING now :)
I will go ahead and tell you the reason I stopped with the three chapters is because OBVIOUSLY we got back together but it happened two weeks I think after I wrote this... and well everybody also knows its HARD to write when your happy! yea I don't know either but its true!
So umm.... enjoy???
Oh! Grab a cup of coffee or Mt Dew you made need help to stay awake.
Like We Were Meeting For The First Time
Chapter 1
He said “yeah, where do you want to go”? “It doesn’t matter wherever you want. I’ll buy your lunch let’s just go” I replied, thinking that would seal the deal. While walking down the aisle to the back of the sanctuary we decided on a place, we made our way out and got in our cars. The skies were grey with rain clouds covering any glimpse of the blue sky that lie behind. The rain fell like it were washing away the past and creating a clean slate as we drove down the highway, headlights glowing, windshield wipers steady in there side to side motion. While rushing to the door it felt as if it got 10 degrees colder in that short of a distance, he grabbed the door and held it as I walked in to the smell of what I was hoping to be delicious Italian food. He led me to a table over by the wall under the TV, as we sat down it started to sink in that I was finally sitting down with him able to talk, looking directly at him, no interruptions, no time restrictions and it felt so good. I have been waiting and day dreaming of how this would go if I ever got the chance again.
I’ve wondered if it would be extremely awkward, too intense; sit there with nothing to talk about in silence. I’ve wondered if all the emotions from the past 13 months would come rushing back, if it would hurt. I thought that I might be so happy I’d smile the whole time like a little school girl with her first crush. What I really anticipated was it feeling like I was sitting with my old best friend and in a sense it did a little but even more than I could have thought it was as if we knew almost everything about each other but were meeting for the very first time.
As the waitress came over to take our order we made small talk, about the tenuous down pour outside, the stories they were covering on the news above my seat, work, all of the obvious that you would if talking to someone for the first time. Then it’s as if it was all natural, the easiness of talking with him came back but without and recollections of our past. I had told him I was on my way to a church in Wilmington but realized I wouldn’t make it in time so I then decided to just go to Beach Assembly seeing’s how I was already dressed and out. Now let me mind you I have only been out there a handful of times over the past year, so I usually still feel a bit standoffish towards everyone. This morning however I talked to these people the entire time before the service started. It felt like my home church again. Like when I was 13 and 14 years old and just came in like this was “my” church, not one I’m just visiting. While talking to everyone I spotted Travis setting up his guitar and music on stage, next time I scanned for him he was right by the door as if he was waiting to say “hey” to me but didn’t want to interrupt so he went on by and sat down. Praise and Worship was alright, considering the situation and of course maybe I’m a little biases but Travis sounds much better than he ever has in the past. The sermon was to the point and once we said Amen, I gathered my things and walked to some friends that he was standing beside and chit chatted so I could be in the mix without feeling like I was going directly to talk to him. My heart was still pounding a little faster than usual, however I felt very confident and at ease in the same instance. He asked “what are you doing today”? I replied with “nothing at all, you want to go get something to eat”? “yeah, where do you want to go”? he responded.
As our food was laid down on the table in front of us I told him I couldn’t continue to go to Breath of Life with no pastor, and the fact that no matter the day or mood I’m in during Worship I can only see and hear him playing guitar and therefore I cannot concentrate on what I should be doing. But when at Beach I can actually see him so I don’t have to envision him, instead I can focus solely on God. He asked why I don’t just go there and why I left in the first place. I explained my reasons then changed the subject to something more interesting, I asked if it was weird to talk about the people we had dated during this past year, my heart still turning out a beat faster than its normal rhythm. In which we did, I guess I was searching for any inclination as to how he really felt about that girl, hoping there were never really many towards her or at least nowhere near what he had for me at one time and hopefully even still. Why I was even worried about it is silly knowing he didn’t, no six months will ever compare to our 7 years we had. After picking at our food we put it in to go containers and brought our conversation to an end. Opening the door to the cold rain blowing in what seemed every direction we walked to our cars, as we were getting in he shouted out “see ya later” and I “ thanks for getting lunch with me finally” catching his eyes and locking in wondering if he was feeling the same way I was inside.
Inside wishing that wasn’t going to be the end of our day, or maybe even a hug to say goodbye but neither. Happy that I even got the chance to sit down with no time restrictions or people around and just enjoy him. To look into his eyes again which seemed so different this time, they weren’t filled with misery like they have been, they were bright and I got the same looks I remember getting. It was as if he was hesitant to catch my gaze, probably because he didn’t want any feelings rushing back. That I understood, I was a little nervous too, considering I haven’t had any melt downs lately, and that God had definitely been working on me, my thoughts were gone of what we had, what we were. I have been made new, restored, let go of everything that was. Suddenly though I caught myself in a much happier mood, smiling big, a boost of energy rushing through my veins. Replaying every second of the morning over in my mind, making me ask God why do I feel like this, what just happened, I didn’t even plan on asking him to do anything today, I was supposed to be in Wilmington meeting new people not going to my old church, and definitely not spending time with my husband.
A few days had gone by and I noticed I still could not shake the thought of him. It was really bothering me because I felt as if God had just got me past all that, I was letting the thought of us go. Not dwelling on it anymore being just fine with that, happy, energetic, my reasoning now for waking up had been to see what God had for me, what He was going to do, who He might would introduce me to or what doors He may open up. But here I was now wondering is God up to something. Was there a completely different reason for God taking all the thoughts and emotions, the heartache, the anger, the bitterness away. Not necessarily so I would be a fresh, new mind, new heart, restored heart that is even better than the one I had before for someone new that I assumed He had for me in the future. Now I’m asking God if all of His healing had taken place for my marriages sake. Is there now a possibility that I needed to be made new so I could come back into this relationship as if we were meeting for the first time? Having been made new and whole I now understand that nothing can be of any good without God first, not even a marriage that I thought because I loved him was going to work just fine and be a fairy tale. As I continue to pray I am still praying His will be done, with or without Travis, that I am always on direction to my purpose.
It was after midnight laying there in my bed for the past two hours praying, thinking and praying some more realizing I wasn’t going to fall asleep anytime soon I got the notion to text Travis to see if he was still awake. To be honest I was expecting him to be asleep, knowing how he was when we were together he would have been. So as I closed my eyes and decided to try and make myself fall asleep my phone vibrated, I opened up his message and read the word yes. I then responded with “can I ask you something and you be honest with me”? The bed vibrated again, those same three letters “yes”, I asked him “since lunch Sunday have you thought about me more than whatever your usual is or was”? Usually this is where he would have read what I wrote and just laid the phone down and not responded surprisingly he did with “yes I have”. I had a little more to say so I thought if I ask in simple short texts he would be more prone to answering. I texted him back and asked if he thought it was different though, as if it were the first time we were meeting, I got “yes, it wasn’t uncomfortable”. What pretty much ended the textation was myself sending back that I agree, and that I didn’t want him to think I thought we were getting back together or even trying to say that, but all I know is that I haven’t stopped thinking about him either. “I’m not sure what to do with that information right now” is what I read as the light from the screen lit up my bedroom. I said okay and we said goodnight.
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