Winter Blues/Struggle is real in the Hood.

I was going to title this post "It's a struggle in the hood" and talk about what I thought was my issues I have a hard time with in Motherhood. But then my great friend said something that made me see it differently and they didn't even know it! 

It gets dark so quick these days that I think it has this overwhelming effect on my mood, emotions, hormones whatever you would like to call it. On the days that I just feel like I could busts it usually starts around 4ish and just escalates from there. It's like everything big or small just takes me on this roller coaster and my poor husband has to walk into it and deal with it for the next few hours till I can get it under control with praise and prayer. Thankfully his lack of emotion from being a Thompson makes him able to continue to be married to me and not go on the roller coaster ride with me. He just lets me get it all out and then goes on doing his thing. It's the most aggravating and amazing thing that he can be like that. To not let things effect him, meanwhile I'm almost in tears over something as simple as the laundry not being put up. 

Maybe it's part of my personality type and other people feel and do this same thing. It usually starts with the house looking like a category 5 hurricane came blowing through up lifting every toy in a 10 mile radius and dropping them all back on my floors. The clothes that get washed and dried but then sit in the clothes baskets for days on end till we wear them again, meanwhile almost everyday the boys find it necessary to play with the same clothes baskets and dumping them out wherever they please. By the third or fourth day of them dumping them out, well now its time to wash them again with the crumbs, dirt and dog hair I assume they've gotten on them. So add another three loads of laundry to the list. The dishwasher is a very handy thing to have unless your like us and the clean dishes just sit in there (like the clothes in the clothes baskets) until they are basically all used and the dirty dishes are piled on the counter beside the sink. The boys love to help unload it which is great when we actually do. Vacuuming is a battle, close to world war 3 in our house. Elijah thinks that he should be the one to vacuum the whole house. Yes that sounds like a win, but not at three years old and when after 20 minutes of him going over the same few spots you have to redo it all while he's screaming and in the way wanting to do it himself still. So it's not a battle I choose often. Thank God for the dog when it comes to the big crumbs. But don't let Chi play with Buddy too much while he's cleaning up those crumbs because then he's breaking out, itching, eyes are swelling from his dog allergy. Though they say keep the dog in hopes it helps him become immune to them. Now it's dinner time and I usually cook, but there is no family sit down dinner. It's eat while you can, when you can, most the times the boys don't eat. Which means I feel like they are going to starve to death in their sleep, or now they know how to get out of going to sleep they just say "I hungry" at midnight and I feel like it's neglect if I tell them no, so I go find something to make them so they can hopefully sleep through the night with a fully tummy. But at 4am they are coming to our bed and I'm going to the couch ohh, 3-4 times a week. Things like our house still looking like we just moved in because we can't make it reflect us really really gets to me, especially when I have these creative urges to go finally have a 'grownup' bedroom, but instead looks like Laundry Mat with a mattress in it. 

And that is just the things that overwhelm me inside our house.. 

On the outside of our home is a whole other story! 

So we have to resign a year lease in February, which is fine. BUT I want my own house soooooooooooo did I say so? So bad! It's been 7 longs years in places that weren't ours. Never really being able to make it our own because we either were moving in 12 months or just wasn't allowed to do anything inside. Meanwhile everybody else around us younger and older are all buying, have bought, have bought -sold- and re bought houses and we're still out here renting. I just don't understand why it's never been our time. We have looked for 4 years now and have even put in offers at times and nothing ever works out. I definitely don't want to get ahead of Gods plan but I just wish I knew why it never works for us. I walked into a house Monday that was absolutely everything I dream of. The outside, inside, even the decor these people had was my dream house. So now I'm like 'really God? You trying to be funny?' But on the same note I'm thinking 'are you trying to show me what I could have? Maybe what You have for us... When the time is right?  So I get so upset and stressed out when seeing everyone else buying homes or decorating their homes and the excitement they have doing so. 

MOMMY GUILT!! 

It's a huge one, from day one, probably for the rest of my life! I always have it when I do something without the boys and without Travis. I ultimately feel like I shouldn't be out and enjoying myself while they are at home or elsewhere. Maybe once every two weeks I go out to dinner and a book store or something with my very good friend and I just wish it could last longer than a few hours. Like I need a six straight hour getaway every week. It is so incredibly refreshing for me. But then before actually leaving to go I always feel like it's selfish, I don't need to leave, I don't deserve the outing, I have to much to do at home... Goes on and on. What I'd really really really like is two of those six hour straight days, one with each of my Bestfriends. 

( the third bestfriend is out of commission for the next 6 months with babies, haha)  

I hate the word escape because my life is so beautiful I wouldn't ever want to escape from my husband and babies but just some time to not have to be responsible, just relax and enjoy the moment. Talking about things that only they can understand, without having to worry about a care in the world. I get to breathe and then go back in and be a better mother and wife. It's just that initial making the plan and finding the time. I think maybe I should just make it a set schedule every week same time. 

All these things just build up and build up on me around the time it starts to get dark out. Which is so weird, but that's when it happens. Financial issues, plus those stresses really gets me in bad shape. The only way.... (after I've dwelled in my little pity party and running away to breathe isn't an option...) I start to realize the only way out of it is to Praise God for all that I do have, have accomplished, His mercy, Grace, Forgiveness. For every bad day that's there's someone who has it worse, that in fact I don't have it bad at all. He is my provision, His plan is greater than mine as is His timing. I just can't understand why He can't put me in my dream house already! But He knows and that's where my faith has got to just trust and follow. So that's what I do. Ask for forgiveness after these melt downs and pick myself back up and thank Him and keep going! 

I do believe the darkness has a huge part in my moods though, might sound crazy, but it does. I'm always good throughout the day, I just wish it was light out till 8-9pm like in July, all year round. I'm a happier person in the spring and summer months. Well I'm sure some of you other mommas out there can relate. I know I'm not alone, I'm usually just one of the few who will admit these feelings and things. I can't act like I got it all together, my life isn't organized and yours isn't either. Now trying to find this time for my best friends birthday this weekend... The guilt has already set in. Hahaha so see the struggle is real in the hood:) and the Winter Blues have got me! 

Waiting for Clayton.

Ya know as I sit here I think about how it felt standing in line for hours and hours to see TD Jakes in Charlotte a few years ago. I was so excited to finally see him in person and sit under his anointing. We stood in the freezing cold rain for at least 4 hours that day after driving 4 hours to get there that morning. 

When the line finally started moving and we got closer and closer to the door my anticipation was growing and growing. What kind of Word was he going to have for me that night. What if I got to meet him, what if he called me out with a Word. What was I going to walk away from there with? We were almost to the door, it was in sight and they said it was full. They motioned us and hundreds more over to the overflow rooms. I was so upset  and angry, all those people lived there or went to that church and got to see all those people whenever they wanted to, ya know?! I just didn't think it was fair at all! I could have stayed home in the warm coziness I call home and streamed online, if I would have known I'd be sitting in a empty building looking at a projection screen. 

On the way home I was still furious but my mom said something that I still think about today. She said something along the lines of "it's not about TD Jakes". She was right, I think God was showing me that I was starting to idolize Bishop, I was listening to him every time he was on something, I was getting fed more than ever but I was starting to focus too much on who was talking instead of what was being said. So I learned a valuable lesson that night. 

Well I learned more than one lesson haha I learned to be Insanely early to something that you want to do! That is why I am here oh 3 hours early today. I want to be close to the front and I don't want to be last anymore. So call me crazy I don't care. But this time around I'm not here to idolize Clayton, I'm not here because he's attractive, ( we all know he is don't lie) I'm here to support someone who is my age preaching the Gospel. I'm here to encourage someone who is touching all ages, especially young people. I'm here to hear the truth, not sugar coated, not a feel good message but the truth. I'm here to encourage myself with seeing and hearing what someone my age is capable of and how I could be doing more. I am excited to walk through those doors and see how God shows up tonight, in a different atmosphere than what I'm use to in our church. To sit with other people I know and don't know all in agreement with each other. 

For many it will be about Clayton, for many it will be about hearing the Word, for many it will be because they are curious about who Jesus is, for me it's about being encouraged when I leave to go home tonight. So now I will continue to sit here and wait... Oh another two hours hahaha to get in. But it's worth it. People wait hours to get in to see their favorite music artists, they wait for sports games, they wait in line at Disney, I'm gunna wait in line to hear about Jesus.   

We all feel overlooked sometimes, unnoticed.

Having to wait is the hardest thing to do. It's not easy for most people, it tries you and it usually shows your true character. I do know that there are times in my life when God makes me wait, It happens often. For several reasons He does this, most of the time its because I am not ready for what is next or what I think I can handle if I could just get it. He teaches lessons through waiting, develops our character through waiting, even gives us a different perspective on the thing we are waiting for in the process of waiting. So I know all of that, I'm very wise when it comes to such understandings at this point in my life. Sometimes it makes the wait easier knowing all the above but there are still times when it doesn't make it so easy to sit back and see everyone else doing things when you cant.

You all know by now if you read my blogs that just within the past two years I've really been searching for my purpose in this life, what I was created to do. As we all know that usually isn't just one thing, but several. However there is usually ONE thing that is your 'thing', if you know what I mean. Your ministry, your calling, your gift from God that He has put inside of you to do. For most people I find its a normal, if you will, ministry. You know singing, preaching, praying, teaching, hospitality, greeting, children's worker, some its kitchen related, you get what I am saying. For me though it is none of those. Sure if asked to help somewhere I always will because we are all suppose to be servants, no one is better than the next person. No one ministry is greater than the other, they all go hand in hand for what God created them to be and do. Or they should. Yes we hold our Pastors to a greater standard and honor but they cant fill their role effectively if we all surrounding them aren't doing ours.

My ministry isn't your most obvious so its overlooked almost all the time. The thing that gives me most joy I rarely get to do, in no way do I think its ever intentional, it just happens when its not your normal ministry. My ministry is something a lot of people enjoy doing, maybe even one of their gifts but not their ministry, does that make any sense? Whereas for me its not just something I enjoy but what He has created me to do. My Creator created me to be creative. But that doesn't mean that it still doesn't bother me at times, when I see everyone else doing their ministries and even doing mine. It doesn't make me mad per say, it just makes me feel like I don't get to show out for God like everyone else is. I want to please Him with what He has given me. But if its never noticed or if a lot of people just enjoy doing it so they fill that place then how do I get to glorify Him with my ministry. So I feel like I'm letting Him down, because I'm not doing anything. I don't know about you but for me there is nothing worse than to feel like your letting God down, not doing what He made justice.

I do get to do a very little bit of it when I do my weddings but even that isn't really letting me use all I have in me. It limits me quite a bit, it helps get some of that creativeness out but not enough. I know that this is probably still a time of waiting, waiting for my moment to do what He has given me, I know that I am still seeking His guidance, direction for my life during this time but it can just be a little discouraging at times. When you have so much in you to get out, share and it feels like no one wants to hear or see it. But it is coming, not for my name sake but for His. All I ever do that is looked at to be great is because of Him. Without Him I am nothing, all things come from Him. And all I do I want to go back to Him. So as writing this just now I have encouraged myself to keep waiting, trying not to get frustrated when it seems everyone else is doing what I should be doing when instead I'm feeling overlooked. He will make my way, my time, my opportunities, He will give me my hearts desires, its not for man to do to start with. He knows my heart and my thoughts, He created me to be the person I am so of course He knows how I am feeling. He also knows that I want nothing more than to please Him so that in itself is pleasing to Him. He is my Father, and Fathers want to give their child what they ask and long for if its in their best interest.

So Lord I thank you for the opportunities you are going to give, I thank you for my gifts and ministry even if it doesn't make sense to others. I thank you for speaking to me the things that are going to come to pass and the ones that already have, for You know the plans You have for me, even before I was in my mothers womb. I will trust You and I will wait with a cheerful heart. I will remind myself of this when it seems no one is paying me any attention and everyone else is busy. I will still thank you.

Well y'all, I think I needed to write this for myself, sometimes you need to encourage yourself when no one else will. Maybe this will encourage one of you as much as it did me just now.

Seasons change and people do too

I never really know why things happen the way they do and why certain people come across my path. I know life is full of lessons and seasons. Everybody is always in a season of life, whether it be a good or bad, dead or lively, cold or hot, you might be on a mountain top or down in the valley. But you are in a season of some sort. 

Some seasons last months others last years. These seasons can be or have trials and testing. Usually they do, and until you have 'passed' the test you won't move on to what's next. God is usually trying to get you ready for the next step. Most people including myself struggle with wanting things right now! Instant gratification in life, yes God can do that but more times than not He doesn't. He knows that we couldn't handle the things good or bad if we haven't gone through some testing first to prepare ourselves. It's really having to build your faith before you can move to the next level, if you get to a level too early you would throw it all away or mess it up. And sometimes like me it takes me a few trys to get it right before I can move up. Seasons bring with them different places, opportunities and people. I always like to look back at my life and see how things played out and the people involved, who went with me and who got left behind during the transition from level to level, season to season, which ever you like to call it. 

I've seen people come and go out of my life, some I was thankful to see go and others I wish were still around. Some stayed for months, others years and years. A few have even come, gone and come back again but now at a distance. Some people you just meet and instantly know there's a connection between the two of you, something you don't have to force or fake. Some people you just know from first glance or first words out of their mouth there will be a future with them in it. It's kinda crazy if you ask me, how some people can just leave an impression on you so deep that no matter the distance or time apart you never forget them. I usually don't remember the first time I meet most people, I just remember the one day I took more notice.  

I'm not a huge believer that first impressions are the most important because of that. I can't tell you the very first time I met Trav but I can tell you in detail the first memory I have of noticing him. And yes I was only 13! Holy Moly I'm getting old! I can't tell you the first time I met Adam (one of my two best friends) but I'm pretty sure it was at this ice cream shop we both were at because we knew the owners. But I CAN tell you the day Cameron (my other best friend) came in the salon to get a haircut with her 'welcome to town, free haircut' coupon haha. There's others who I can't tell you the first time but I sure could tell you in details the day I remember our lives intertwined. Then there are the ones who I can tell you the last conversation we had before parting ways and the people who I don't remember when or how they left. I say all that to say some people are worth the memories. The day they changed your life. For whatever the reason, whether a blessing or a lesson they came, some stayed and some have gone. They were meant to be in my life at the exact moments for specific reasons. Then ultimately to push me into my next season.

Today I've been thinking about the people in my life who always lift me up and encourage me. Not that they don't see or know my weaknesses but they don't continually point them out. They give it to me straight, tough love. They love and respect me enough to not just tell me what I want to hear but what I need to hear. They see in me what I still struggle with to see. Just like I can see in others what they cant see in themselves, I guess it's all the same. It's easier to look at someone else than it is to figure out things about yourself. They take time out of their busy lives to type up resumes for me and push me into opportunities that don't come around often, they go sit and let me vent at Starbucks or ride to myrtle beach till the wee hours of the morning, they make me laugh when they aren't even around and make me a priority in their life, they use to sit with me at the beach when I needed to escape even if we didn't do any talking. I could go on and on. I don't know what I would do without these people or who I would be. 

There are a lot of changes going on in my life right now which has me doing some deep thinking, lots of which I write but can't share with you. Through these few days I've just been so thankful for these core people in my life, because they are so rare to find. I hope I'm half of what they are to me, to them. ( do you need to read that sentence over again? hahaha ) I hope they can say that I have made a difference in their lives like they have mine. Well, they already do tell me that, but I hope they truly truly mean it! I want to be that hope for other people, despite what everyone else says. Sometimes it just takes one person to show you your strengths for you get up and keep going.  

So to the few of you who really really get me, I love you for it, I'm thankful for you, and you've made a HUGE difference in my life. To everyone else think about the real people who are in your life. Don't go a day without letting them know how you feel. Life's too short to worry about unnecessary things or he said, she said. Those are the ones who don't really matter in the end. In this season of my life there are some crucial people who are only going to make me stronger and wiser for the next season God is sending me in. 

Late nite chit chat:)

Late night rambles.. Why not. 

I've been working on a post that I wanted to go up on Father's Day but as you can tell you have yet to read it. I've been pretty MIA lately with this whole blog situation, I feel like that's the story of my life. I start things and rarely finish them, I'm that person and I'm not happy about it but I get so in the moment and then I'm over it, on to the next thing that catches my eye. I've read that creative people tend to have this problem along with many other problems. 

So this body issue I like to talk about every so often is still the same, now that I'm tan I feel more confident. My teeth look whiter, hair looks lighter, body looks thinner or so I like to think. I actually wear a bikini to the beach and don't think much about what others are possibly thinking. It's a great feeling, last year I would hide behind clothes and not enjoy the beach with the boys. This year tho complete opposite! But let's be honest if I had the money and a babysitter for a few weeks I'd be laid out on the operating table getting fat transferred and some new boobs! Until that day, I'm pretty okay with the now 'me'! 

The boys are amazing per usual! Counting, saying their ABC's, talking clearer, being the little smart gingers they are. They love to sing and dance, cuddles have gotten more frequent, they are cleaning( laundry, sweeping, vacuuming, dusting, dishwasher) can't wait till their five and I won't have to do anything hahahahaha it will be like I'm rich and a queen. Just kidding.  But they do love to clean! Hallelujah.

Had a cards night not too long ago with a bunch of friends. Even tho I didn't really play it was a lot of fun for me, to finally be doing things that didn't revolve around kids. Just enjoy the company and conversation of people around our ages! Hope to make a habit of it!! 

I think I'm hungry and that's why I'm wide awake.. Or MAYBE these thoughts that keep running thru my head. So much is always going on in there, it never stops. Trying to determine right from wrong, good and bad, fun or boring, temporary or permanent, present or future. It never stops. 

I've been trying to plan my Fourth of July outfit since I got in bed, it's the same fight I have every freaking year! Do I want to wear shorts and a tank and be comfy or do I want to wear a dress and be pretty! Ugh such a struggle. Yall know me and I'll take any opportunity to wear a dress and glam it up! But then I see these other girls in there short shorts and tank tops looking all effortless and I just don't know what to do! Actually I just figured it out, the question really comes down to : do I want to look like everyone else or stand out from the crowd? And well I'm not a follower so see there how I just solved my own problem. Perfect. Thanks for helping. 

I will need my momma do give me a mani and a pedi before then tho, and I have to decide hair up or down and makeup, oh and maybe I'll touch up my tan (both at the beach and in my bathroom). 

Well my heads hurting now from looking at this bright phone while laying in the dark so let's hope this time I can ever so sweetly drift off into a dream about Ruby Rose haha just kidding okay Channing Tatum because his movie trailers have been everywhere I looked today. 

Goodnight :) 

Escape.

One of those days/nights when I'm completely overwhelmed and in serious need of an escape. So I did just that, I'm sitting at the beach and listening to the ocean roar, the cars drive past, the crickets chirp and the tourist talking. I am silently praying I don't get eaten alive from the Mosquitos that creep through the cracked windows... Mosquitos shouldn't live at the ocean! Why can't they stay in the woods where they belong, where you won't ever find me?! 

Today has been such a long day! It felt like it was 10am for hours... I just have a lot going on in this head of mine, so many thoughts, opinions, questions. I just feel like I could bust, I'm still trying to find where I can squeeze some money from different areas of our finances to go see a therapist/shrink/counselor whatever you would like to call it. I've always wanted to do that and really believe it does a world of good to just let it all out to someone who has no preconceived idea of what your talking about and the people in your life. Call me crazy I don't really care. I know it would be so beneficial for me. 

I don't like being snappy or short. Some might would say demanding...haha (it's really not funny). I don't like feeling like it's all too much and letting it build up, I like to get things out of my head and off of my chest. It's refreshing and makes me feel so much lighter. But sometimes it just doesn't happen like that and days go by and it builds and builds. Then I end up here, my escape from reality. Where I take in the beauty of Gods work, where I sit and think, talk to Him, or in this case write. No other place makes me feel like the beach does. I am so thankful we moved here sixteen years ago. I don't ever see myself leaving. 

I've got some great adventures ahead of me, some amazing doors are opening for me to walk thru. I am pretty excited for all of it, seeing Gods hand in every bit of it. Seeing more things that have been spoken over me (prophesied to me) come to pass. Knowing it's where I am suppose to be, even though I've been feeling a little lost again lately. It gives me hope that I'm doing something right. It's all the opportunities to do the things I've talked about and dreamed of the past few years. What's really cool to me is that I haven't intentionally helped or made these things happen they literally have been dropped in my lap and I've been asked to do them. That's how I know it's all God. He really will give you the desires of your heart, when the desires are in line with what He wants you to do and fulfilling your purpose here on earth. So Pastor has been really drilling 'Greater is He that is in you, than he that is in the world' & 'if God is for you than who can be against you' in his sermons lately. It's what I keep thinking about and it's the truth. That was kinda random I know, but I guess it needed to make its way in here for someone else to read! 

I just don't know how people live and make it thru everyday that don't believe in Jesus, that don't talk to God. When things go wrong who do you turn to? When they go crazy right who do you give praise to? When your lonely who do you lean on? When you can't tell anyone else 'that one thing' what do you do? I can't live without Him. He is why I live, He created my very being, knows how many hairs are on my head. Knows how many freckles are on my nose. Knows my heart when no one else can seem to understand it. My thoughts when others think they should be different. The voids that I can't seem to fill, the happiness and joy. He knows every single thing about me. He knows why he made me this way, why my body is shaped like this, why I over think things, why I have too high of standards for others. It just amazes me that people don't believe. 

Well my phones on 20% and I forgot my charger so I guess that ends this little soul bearing session tonight. Sweet dreams loves. 

Apple.Eve.Phone.

random thought I had no too long ago.... bare with me..

So as my iphone was turning back on one day from dying I was looking at the apple symbol with the bite out of it and the first thing that came to mind was Eve and taking the bite out of the apple in the garden of Eden. Next thought was the serpent, then I just went on this crazy but what felt like enlightening thought process of what these iphones might actually be. so here we go..

hahahaha I dont think your ready... Trav wasnt when I told him, he kinda just looked at me like "umm, no!"

OKAY... so weve established that the apple with the bite out of it was basically the first sin. Then I got to thinking hmmm... the devil is the one who tempted Eve with the apple, how ironic that its the symbol of this product that the world has to have.  okay so everyone, alright alright, almost everyone has an iphone now a days and/or Mac product, maybe its a form of what ultimately will end up being the mark of the beast. I know a little far fetched. But honestly the more I think of the symbol it messes with my head. Yes I know it comes from Macintosh and that is a type of apple, but what if it really is deeper than that, maybe not fleshly but spiritually? And I know the mark of the beast will be on the forehead or hand but this could just be one of the many things that are leading us that way..

Too deep? did I really over think this one? Yall think I am crazy now like Trav huh? Surely someone else has to see the connections that are all over this... or is it just me? too much time on my hands, I dont get out enough probably? need some more adult conversation?

well I either completely lost you or invoked you think about it...

I mean the gps, all the things that these products can do, they hold all our info, locations, conversations, cameras... isnt that what the Antichrist is going to be all about after the Rapture? He is going to rule the world, and know everything about everyone. every move, conversation, everything..

Yes I have an iphone myself and I swear every time the thing cuts back on I have these thoughts and freak myself out a little.

So anyways theres that for the night... talk to yall soon :)

Oh Mother.

When I think about being a mother it takes me on an emotional roller coaster. Literally from one extreme to the other.Within the 24 hours that a day holds I have usually felt everything from laughter to tears. Being a mother is a beautiful challenge, wondering if your even doing it right, everyone has an opinion on how you should raise your children, this is how they did it or would do it. I try to read as much as I can, pray as much as I can and do as much as I can. My boys are my world, I know whether anyone ever tells me again, that I am a amazing mother. If I do nothing else right in this lifetime this I will be proud of myself for. There may be lots of moments I want to hide and cry but there's so many more moments that I never want to end that makeup for it. Like when Chi out of nowhere grabbed my face with both his hands and kissed me and then kissed me again. When Elijah comes and just wants to hug on me and cuddle up after he wakes up. They most definitely are wild, energetic little beings but I'll keep improving myself (patience, anxiety, getting overwhelmed so easily) to take care of them the right way, making myself the best I can be for them. I want to be the all that God designed me to be for them, so they can fulfill their callings and make sure I don't hinder that. Motherhood, it is a title that carries so much weight and even more love. It is a title that at times can make you lose sight of your own identity but at the same time is one of the greatest identities to have. As I write this I have one little curly red headed sweaty boy far off in a dream laid on my chest, and his brother in his crib napping  away. 

Today I heard the song that says 'it won't be like this for long...soon they will be grown up and be gone' and as we were driving I couldn't help but cry a little. I don't ever want them to grow up and I most definitely don't ever want them to leave. They are my babies who I fought to bring into this world with pain and complications. I don't ever want to have to share them, or not have them right by my side. I've also started getting emotional when watching the Mother Son dances at the weddings lately too, because I know what I feel when I'm dancing with the boys now, teaching them to not step on my feet, to spin, give kisses, and hold my hand. I just don't want that 'final' dance to come where I am giving them away to someone else. I know it sounds so dumb and selfish but its how I feel right now. Luckily I got at least 17 years or realistically Jesus will be back before then probably so were good.

Dont laugh.. He probably will... can you imagine the shape this world will be in 17 years from now...So are you ready?

anyways.. where were we...

I want to hold them while they sleep forever, wipe away their tears and be right there to see their silly faces. I want to hold their hands when taking walks and dance with them till they don't want to dance anymore. I want to kiss their boo boos and tell them it's okay now because Mommy made it better. That they are strong and will be okay go try again. I want to read them Fox in Socks a hundred times until I don't stumble on any of the words, even tho they laugh at me when I mess up. I want to watch them run down the beach with no care in this world except for where's the next hole we can jump in or castle we can destroy. They will always be Mommy's little boys, wild, handsome, thoughtful boys. 

 I want to encourage them to do things they are scared of instead of being scared too and holding them back out of fear. I want them to learn to love everyone no matter how someone else feels about that person. I want to teach them it's okay to be upset, angry and hurt but how to channel that the right way. How to be polite and always a gentleman when around females. I want to teach them that even tho they may not get what they want to be thankful for what they already have. I want to teach them to be able to go into a store and not expect something or throw a fit just to get something, because life doesn't work that way. Sometimes it isn't fair and doesn't make sense but that is the real world. I want them to be intelligent and know that it's important to learn all that they can, never thinking they know it all because nobody likes a 'know it all'. I want them to be sensitive and express emotion and not be like people assume men should be and have no emotion. I want to teach them to communicate, listen when needed and talk TO people not AT people. I want them to love Jesus all the days of their lives, to teach others about Him and have compassion for the lost. I want them to be Godly examples to any and everyone around them. Yes, they will make mistakes, not always the best choices, I know that but I expect great things out of them. At this point you might be thinking 'she expects too much, unrealistic things or is being too protective' well they are my children, you raise yours how you want'. 

Since becoming a mother I've learned so much about myself and continue to pretty much everyday. I've known from before I ever got pregnant that if I was just half of the mother that mine was and is then I would be just fine. I had the greatest example to follow, she's always been thoughtful, sympathetic, compassionate, strong, very very strong, intelligent, funny, has always put me before herself. She has always let me make my own opinions about things, taught me to befriend the ones who others wouldn't. That I am no better than the person beside me. She taught me to love Jesus, to depend on Him, to pray. She has shown me how to worship and what it is. She has shown me how to be respectful and polite, how to not let what others say about me effect me. That people are only mean and hateful because of their own insecurities and issues. She has been there for every little and big event in my life. She has pushed me and encouraged me but never forced me to do things I didn't want to. She has been my mother, she never tried to be my friend. She didn't care what other kids were allowed to do or what their parents allowed because I wasn't them and neither was she. She needed to know where I was, who I was with and what I was doing 95% of the time and I respected that because she cared, she was doing what a mother should do.Now she is my best friend, now that I am an adult, that's the way its suppose to be. We definitely don't see eye to eye on a lot of things like my tattoos and such but that's okay. I am me, a version of her, but me. I've truly had the greatest footsteps to follow in. I cant imagine life without my Momma in it, I need her daily and I will forever be her sweetie.

Happy Mothers Day to every momma who may be reading this and I hope you have a wonderful day. I hope you know that you are doing a great job, despite what the house may look like, or how backed up laundry is, and even if you don't remember the last time you cooked an actual meal. If your children are healthy, playing an laughing then that is really all that matters at the end of the day. Be the best that you can be, not what someone else or the world tries to tell us to be as mothers. Don't let the Pinterest mom who has time to cut out sandwiches in stars and fruit too make you feel like any less of a mother because you don't do that. Or the ones that act like they got it all under control because no one will ever have it all under control. It is forever a learning experience, and just when you get one phase under control its time for the next phase. So do what you can, make memories, everything else can wait! Whether you have one baby, three kids or multiples like myself it is a lot of work, but so rewarding. To the single mothers, I applaud you! You are stronger than me, you are fierce, and when it gets tough remember God wont put anything on you that you cannot handle. From one Momma to another count all your blessings this mothers day and know that you are amazing.

letting go.

I am going to take a moment and be vulnerable. Theres a lot I would like to talk about but I think I want to open up about something that always confuses me when I hit this phase of life. Its a repetitive phase, well I mean I have felt this way at different times in my life. I can't pinpoint the other times but I just know this feeling.

I unfortunately am a worrier.

yea I know I am not proud of it.

I've gotten better about worrying less about what others think, because quite frankly people are going to think whatever they want to think. At the end of the day I really aint got time for all that. Bishop Jakes says its none of my business what others think of me....

But the thing I struggle with most is money. Being financially stable, having what we need and even want. Paying our bills on time, even trying to save money, just trying to be smart with money. With that being said all of last year I would just talk to God about it, about blessing us somehow to get ahead, for promotions. I would be so incredibly stressed out and just not understanding how or why we had to struggle so hard. Ultimately listening to Bishop Jakes every week got me through because he is very clear about there will always be a struggle in life. That struggle is even necessary, because without the struggle you cannot appreciate the breakthrough. You wouldn't know the difference if you've never had to struggle in life. That Jesus didn't have a smooth ride while here on earth. And if Jesus had to go through hard times what makes you think you wont.

But everyday I would just worry about it, I just felt like my prayers were always begging God to help. He opened doors for raises, extra income, gave me a company to become part of. I saw those things and obviously thanked Him everyday, but it just still wasnt really enough. We were still behind, still struggling. But because I was constantly talking to God and expecting great and wonderful miracles I just felt close to Him. I know that is kind of odd. After awhile I started trying to stop worrying and start just trusting and not beggin Him daily about the same ol thing, that He already knew before I even had to mention it. It's not like He forgot or doesnt know the outcome already. duh!

anyways...

So its like all of a sudden I stopped worrying and let go of the stress concerning our finances. I don't really know how or when but I did, and we've been caught up on everything. Thanks to tax returns we've been able to really get caught up and do more that needed to be done. Yes I thanked Him and still do, if I am being completely transparent I don't thank Him enough, doesnt mean I am not grateful and thankful but I need to say it more. But because I am not begging daily anymore I feel like I am not as close as I was with God. That is the part that confuses me. I think its because so many people want to talk about how in order to love Jesus you have to always stay in the struggle and there is never an end to it. So I almost feel like because I'm not sitting around stressed out and praying about the same exact thing over and over that I am not doing all that I can be doing. As tho I am wrong. I don't know really how to explain it, maybe I am the only one who feels like this.

All I know is that I still know I cant go a day without Him, even on the days I don't acknowledge Him as I should, or even talk to Him like I should. I know that He is always providing for us, I know He will never fail me, never leave me. I know that I am a thankful person, for absolutely everything I have ever had and will have and even the things I havent had or He has kept form me.

I also deal with not feeling like I am worthy of the breakthrough and blessings or that I am enough..  That would be my other biggest problem I have in life. however that is another blog post.. I am still thinking about that one..

Where you been...

So I have been MIA with these posts lately, for a few different reasons. One, because it seems that you guys are thinking I am being negative and complaining about the stage of life that the boys and I are in. I assure you I would never write something negative to begin with and second never about my children. They are a gift and blessing in my life not a problem. Second, when you decide to write and put yourself out there to be 'judged' and or talked about good or bad it doesn't mean that I am super confident and strong and thick skinned all the time. By sharing my thoughts puts me at a very vulnerable place and that can be hard. Everyone is going to have an opinion and I expect that but sometimes it just gets to be too much. Third, some people like to think that they know me or my life and assume they know what exactly I must be talking about and that I am talking about something when in reality I am talking about something totally different. I dont write about others, I dont write with the intentions of there being something to read 'between the lines'. I am very blunt and straightforward with my writings.

With all that being said :) Hello Yall! How ya been?!

Lets just ramble a bit more about randomness shall we..

So I currently have a headache, not cool. I need to do my self tan tonight so I am nice and glowing on Easter Sunday. You know Easter Sunday is one of the three most attended church services. Mothers day and Christmas are the other two. So with that being said gotta look good with all these people that are going to be coming. New dress, tan, eyelashes, I never did buy new shoes. Hmm maybe I will go look for some tomorrow. I need to buy the boys Easter baskets tomorrow, I gotta do my girlfriends hair tomorrow. It seems like it will be a busy day!

The boys and I went to the beach today for a few hours, I got brave not confident and wore my bathing suit top with shorts. A hand clap for me, thank you ! thank you! hahaha I was extremely self conscious the whole time but I am deteremined to get sun this year and try my best to embrace my post baby body. Lord its the hardest thing ever. I like to think that ALL the people who are staring at us are thinking oh wow, she looks good for pushing them two red headed boys out. I guess its a tiny bit easier to be in a bathing suit with them verses without them at least people can see my excuses running ahead of me. hahaha If I could just get it all tanned it would look so much better! But its not like I can just lay out with the boys, no they want to run litereally run the whole beach and well lets just be honest and blunt all this running is NOT a pretty sight so its tough for me to be in a bathing suit, tan and be mom all at the same time :)

Wedding season has started up again, I start working again next Saturday. I am excited about that, get out the house, the routine, back to interacting with adults. dance party almost every Saturday night whoop whoop. Got a recent Word again that God is going to bless my business so I am anxious to see what that is.

I think I am going to look into taking some psychology classes.. I am assuming that is possible. Ive always wanted to but just never did, so now that Ive really been thinking about it again I am going to really look into it. I want to know why I do the things I do, why I think the way I do, make the decisoins I do, I want to know those kinds of things becasue why would you not want to know yourself? When you find out or realize why you do, think, act the way you do then you can change the things that need to be changed. Until you understnad where its stems from you cant change it. I dont know maybe that doesnt interest you who are reading this but it seriously has always been a huge interest of mine.

Ya know I cant stand when people think they know me. Only a select few people actually know me. The rest are lies, what people think they know, what theyve made up, things they assume. But you know what happens when you assume dont you? My daddy always taught me not to assume anything.

Anyways...

So this third blood moon is happening this weekend... Ive had two dreams in the past three months about Jesus returning. I mean very detailed vivid dreams. Im not scared of the Rapture but I think becasue the human mind cant really grasp all that Heaven is and not wanting to leave my loved ones it makes my tummy get into knots at times. Im pretty certain I am going and my family. I am just a little nervous I guess when I sit and really ponder on it. Side note, I cant imagine having children who arent saved and older. Ya know out of that innocent phase. I would be a complete wreck knowing its so close and they were living in sin and were going to be left behind in this horrible world. I know I dont KNOW that Jesus will be back before the boys get past that phase but with how things are looking its super close so..

Ohh so something most of you dont know.. the world of MOMs (Mothers of Multiples) is the most competitve world ever. Okay, so if you got pregnant with multiples on your own with no medical help your not really allowed to say " I concieved naturally', instead you are expected to say 'I concivied spontaneously'. Because using the word naturally is offensive to the mothers who had help. The other huge issue is whether or not you gave birth vaginally or c-section. Your also expected to not say you gave birth naturally. Okay so heres my outlook on all this NONSENSE! I shouldnt have to tip toe around and not be amazed at how it happened for us. I also don't have time to get all offended by how someone describes their birth story. The fact of life in general is amazing, why does it need to be a competition. Hello, I don't think I am any better than the woman who had help and a c-section, however I shouldn't be made to be quiet or change the words I use because it might hurt someone's feelings. It's still crazy amazing to me that I carried two human beings at one time and that I am stronger than I ever knew was possible and had the choice to push them. I'm thankful. So thankful. Everyday with them shows me something new about myself that I didn't know the day before. I don't know, anyways just wish people would stop letting everything and everyone have that much power over how they feel. 

Well yall I think that's enough for one night, I am tired now.. Too late to do that self tanner now.. Man it's a struggle to be a woman! They do say beauty is pain:) 

Change.

I'm ever changing. We all are. Or we should be anyways. It's never good to stay in one place too long. We're meant to evolve, search for more, learn more, give more and love more. 

It's hard to change tho. It really is. Especially when it's change that no one else understands. No one else should matter except God and your spouse if you've got one (and your momma) but it's easier said than done. Everybody has an opinion on what you should or shouldn't do and say and how you should act. I try not to worry about them but there's always a few who get through and make you second guess everything because of their ideas of what your life should consist of. But really I guess it all comes down to if you have time to worry about what I'm doing your neglecting something in your own life you should be worrying about. Same goes for me, I'm guilty of it to, we all are!

My life has become so routine and redundant the past two years that it seems like my life is just flying by and I'm not really doing anything with it. I know that doesn't really make sense. I know I am raising two little boys to be Godly gentlemen and that is a huge deal, I also know having a successful marriage is a huge deal and keeps us busy. But beyond that as a whole we do the same things almost every day. Weekends come and go with no 'wow' moments that really stand out or memories that will be talked about in years to come. The boys learn their ABC's, 1-5 and their colors. We take naps and watch Chity Chity Bang Bang and wait for daddy to get home. Then fight at bedtime and do it all over again the next day, after day, after day. I'm so thankful for that I truly am but I want to go places and do things with them that makes a difference. I want to play in the rain with them, make lasting memories. I want to jump in mud puddles instead of always yelling at them to walk around them, I want to be more carefree and chill.

 I want more fun days for Travis and I. We just went skating last weekend and that was the first time we've had 'fun' together in a very very very long time. It shouldn't be like that. I want more moments when we don't act so old, where we just do things because we just wanted to with no explanation to be given. I want to feel young because I still am (even if he's getting old hahaha). 

I guess I'm just realizing how short life really is, we're not promised tomorrow and Jesus can come back any day now. I also don't want to look back and wish I would have done more with my life. I want memories full of family and friends. I don't want to keep making decisions based on what others are going to think, what they might say. The people who know me, know me. The people who just talk or believe what they hear or judge don't know me, those people are the ones who shouldn't matter. I also want to stop finding reason why not to do something. I want a full life. A fun life. An eventful life. It's just little changes really, but even the littlest of ones can be hard to do. So here's to buying that dress because I want to. To skinny dipping in the ocean this year because I just want to. Or dying my hair purple because I want to. To getting my new tattoo because I wanted to. To doing whatever it is (legal of course) because I just want to. Living life without having to explain myself or worrying what others might think or say all the time and talking myself out of things because it's not the norm!! 

I know you've seen these already but they really just fit my place in life right now so... 

Thank You.

Today will be a thankful post! 

Ten things that I am thankful for:

1. My salvation and Grace. I mess up every single day, some worst than others. I often feel unworthy like I'm never enough but He loves me in spite of all my wrongs. He gives me another chance every day that I wake up.  

2. My Mother. I've never wanted to please anyone as much as I do her. She is my very best friend. She also loves me even at my lowest times. I've always been aware of how amazing she is, even when we don't agree on things. I could not live without her. I would be at a complete loss. I laugh more with my momma than anyone else, I'd rather spend my days with her than with others. I never want to miss an opportunity to say I love you or spend my time with her. 

3. My Husband. Ya know we have nothing in common, were six years apart in age and we rarely see things the same way. I have absolutely no idea how or why we work but we do. I tried to run away and each day got harder instead of easier. So I found my way back. Everyday is similar yet different and I've learned that how I view our marriage and him is how it will be. I've learned to look for the good and not focus on the bad. I have no idea how he puts up with me but I am glad he does. He's gentle, laid back, easy going, incredibly intelligent, talented at almost anything he touches, loves Jesus with his whole heart. What you see is very much what you get with him. He's a great daddy and loves the boys indefinitely. I can't tell you what holds us together but whatever it is I'm glad. I still have my struggles but marriage is a full time job, if it were easy people wouldn't be divorced every day. 

4. My Boys. I have the sweetest, smartest, funniest, handsomest baby boys! Of course I'm bias!! They challenge me every single day, they make me crazy every single day, they make me ask God why did He think I could handle this. They also make me laugh like no other, I just sit back and watch them and at those times think why was I lucky enough to be given this gift. They've shown me my weaknesses and my strengths. I try to do the very best I can with raising them to be the Godly men they need to be. 

5. My Church. I am one of the few people left in our church who have been there over 15 years. That is my home. My safe place. I thoroughly enjoy going to church. For Jesus, friends, family. I don't consider it a burden or something that takes up all my time. I have one of the greatest Pastors and his wife, the leadership in our church is some of the absolute best. It's a blessing to have my children be raised there and know they will want to go even when they are out from under me. 

6. My friends. I've gone through some friends over the years. To be honest there is only a handful I can say have been constant. I've learned many things about trust, loyalty, love through all of these relationships. I now choose friends that are wanting the same things out of life as I am. I surround myself with positive people and have let go of the ones who are negative. I've also let go of the ones who talk about everyone and tell my business as well. I do believe everyone is for a reason and some only a season. To my current people who I speak to more than twice a week, know that you are soooooo very special to me. I truly mean it!! Thank you for loving me for me, flaws and all. For putting up with my forgetfulness and the craziness my life is having two two year olds. 

7. My Job(s). Event planning isn't exactly what I want to do or what I was created to do but it's getting me into the places I need to be to do what I want. Which ultimately I think is Event Design. To be able to walk into a space and see what it can be, not what it is. ( much like I do with people who everyone else has given up on) It's fulfilling for me to see a vision and bring it to life. Hair, I still do on the side some and it still gives me that creative outlet when nothing else is. Maybe one day I will go back into the salon for a day or two a week and have fun with it, we shall see! I have other things I would like to get my hands into as well so I'm excited to see the doors that will all be opening for me. 

8. My House. So most of you, well some of you probably read my blog last year I wrote about our house. It was and still is such a blessing and answer to my prayers. We are renting, I don't intend to buy this house, for the mean time though until that day comes I couldn't be happier. The lady who owns the house hands down greatest lady we've ever dealt with. It's a actual brick home, we have a fenced yard for Buddy, perfect neighborhood and we can stay as long as we like! NO MORE MOVING!!!! No more apartments, condos, tiny little places. We now have a stable environment for our boys to grow! 

9. Bishop TD Jakes. Yall know by now that he is my second pastor. I watch and listen to every single Sunday service multiple times during the week. He has shown me things I didn't know, explained stories and people I just couldn't ever understand. So many huge life moments his words had a part in making for the better. He is who God uses to really speak to me. I honestly don't know where I would be if I didn't start listening to him in January of 2012. He makes the Bible relate to my current circumstance. He makes me see how the person he may be talking about had a similar issue that I might be dealing with. He's amazing to me. 

10. All the things and people who didn't work out. For every person who wronged me, has spoken negative about me, created lies about me. For the guys who I thought I loved, the friends I thought were real, the family I thought I could count on. If nothing else I learned what I didn't need or want from each of them. They pushed me into the person I am now, to the place I am now, that I am thankful for. They made me wiser and stronger. It may have hurt at the time but it only made me a little bit tougher to deal with the next one. I had a Word spoken over me two years ago. The man said that God has given me a backbone made of steel and that people are going to talk, but He will uphold me. So it's no surprise when I hear something that someone thinks or has come up. You know when your doing something right/great by how many people are coming against you. I've definitely learned You can't appreciate good till you've had bad. 

These are just the major things, I'm that person that literally thanks God for my toothbrush and toothpaste. For the bobby pins to hold my hair up and my weave when I want it longer. Every single thing big or small I am thankful for. Oh and He knows how thankful I am for makeup, the color on my lips, the shadow on my eyes, the polish on my nails. He is a good God whether I have anything or not. I will still praise Him. 

What are you thankful for today? 

Limited Compassion??

I've asked God today why He gave me the heart He did. I'm still waiting for an answer, Because there seems to be at times throughout my life when it has not made sense to others. I feel as though I'm pretty compassionate towards others. I really always have been. Including with Travis, he's had quite a few times of needing saving and not just Jesus. I've been there, I've been that person for him. He will tell you the same if you can get him to be serious and open up. He's even had Words spoken over him that if it wasn't for me at those moments in his life he could have easily died. That's what the Devil is always trying to do to us, take us out. 

Yes ultimately Travis ended up being my husband but before that he was just my friend, a friend who I wanted to see for himself what I saw in him. I've always been the girl who had more guy friends than girls. No it's not because they thought I was pretty. I havent always looked like I do now. But because I was real, honest, wasn't trying to always be something I wasn't. I was no drama. I also have more male cousins than females so I've always been surrounded by the opposite sex. Many of whom have had or are currently addicted to something. 

I don't know addiction personally, but I know how it affects my family. The ones closes to you hurt the worse. I also know how easy it is to want to just give up hope for the one addicted. I've struggled with that my whole life. I have always been the one who hasn't tried anything, no cigarettes, nothing. Alcohol a few times but I just don't like the taste at all so it's not for me. It's really hard for me to try and understand why people do it, why does it not scare them, why when you know the pain it causes to the ones you love. No one can ever answer that for me. What makes you try it the first time? Because everyone else is doing it? That's stupid. Peer pressure has never been a problem for me. So that's a horrible excuse to tell me. If you just wanted to because you like the way it makes you feel then just say that. Until your honest and take responsibility there's no hope for getting away from it. 

My whole teenage and older life has been filled with getting invested in people who I cared about and being let down when it came to this struggle. So naturally I had gotten to the point where I had hardened my heart towards people who abused drugs. I had no sympathy or concern for them, because it's never shown to make a difference when I would. If anything I was the one left getting hurt by friends. So I literally would be the first to just walk away and say oh well, you got yourself in this mess, now get yourself out. Knowing it would never happen. I didn't want to hear any excuses, I never believed them when they would say I want to change, I'm going to change. To me until I saw the change and it last longer than a year it was a waste of mine and your time. But then Brunswick Christian Recovery Center started coming to our church. 

They would give their testimonies and some you could tell we're just going through the motions to escape whatever it was they could by coming there, but others were real, raw and honest. You could sense it, the pain, the struggle, the hurt that ultimately pushed them into the wrong direction. That's when I noticed I started to feel different toward them. When I realized that by the grace of God I wasn't dealt the hand they were, having to figure out how to cope when your mother has died at a young age. When your parents are strung out your whole childhood, when you've been abused in all ways. I started to feel that compassion come back. I started seeing BCRC and others in a different light. Knowing that anyone could fall into their shoes and not seeing myself better than them. Now I just want to be that positive voice in their ear not another condemning one or negative one. They've got plenty of those. Because I am on the outside I can be honest and not sugar coat things. Because I am married it's not like I'm just saying these things to be cute. I'm off limits in that sense so I hope it comes thru that I genuinely care and just wish they could see what we all see.

But then you have this problem where your told to be compassionate but don't be too compassionate. How is that even possible, either you are or you aren't. You can't set limits on it. So my question to God today was why? If everyone has a negative thing to say about my heart towards others because they happen to be the opposite sex then why God did you make me this way. Apparently in everyone else's mind I shouldn't care. If it's not Travis I shouldn't care. Travis can care but I can't. So I've been pretty discouraged lately with this. Travis and I have had this conversation multiple times now and he is with me on this. Because he knows the times he needed me, he's knows I was that tough love. I'm just trying to help people, make them feel like they are still someone worth being around when others have given up. Obviously I've been given this heart for a reason so I am sorry if you have an opinion about It or my actions. God knows the heart he gave me and my intentions in life. So now if you don't mind, I'm going to continue being me. 

Oh love.

I am such a hopeless romantic. I believe in happily ever after. I believe in kissing in the rain. I believe in someone pursuing you. I believe in having your door opened and kisses on the forehead. I believe in candle light and love songs. Movies with Channing Tatum and his pursuit to make the girl know she is the One. I believe in moments you don't want to end, that you replay over and over in your head. I believe in being told often for the rest of your life how someone feels about you. What you mean to them and what you make them feel. I believe in dancing under the stars to no music. I believe in moon lit walks on the beach. I believe in love.

But is that really what love is? I'm not talking about love in a spiritual way, just in the natural. If we didn't see Hollywood's version of love would we still think that was part of the definition of love? If we didn't see the movies would we be more content in what we have and not constantly look for that kiss in the rain moment? Would we not be so disappointed when those things we think are love don't happen. When the butterflies stop would we still stick it out and make it work even though we're made to think if they leave then love has left. What if he doesn't communicate his feelings like you think he should, when he never dances with you or sweeps you off your feet like you thought you needed.

How bout on the flip side of that lets say they do all those things you want or think you need in the beginning. Two years later and you've hit that bitter sweet comfort zone, What happens now? Actually why?!!! Why does it have to stop! Why would someone be one way and then change and forget they ever did those things, I've never understood why it happens. You didn't fall for the person they weren't, you fell for the person they were, So if they stop all those things that you fell for in the beginning then what happens? It makes no sense to me, never has, never will. I know we all change, trust me if anyone gets that, its me. But you don't have to turn into someone completely new and expect the other person to just be okay and go with it. More than likely you wouldn't have fallen for that person if they acted then like they do now. I don't know where I am trying to go with this haha I just felt like bringing it up. Ladies don't act like you don't know what I am talking about.

My conclusion to all of this is, love cannot be defined. It is different for every single person. What works for one, might not work for the next. That whole first paragraph doesn't even happen in my life. I wish it did, if were being honest and he knows that hahahaha trust me ahaha. He loves me regardless and I learned that love isn't all those things, love is what is left after the butterflies are gone. I had to learn that the hard way. When I decided I didn't want to be married anymore it's because none of those things happened in that first paragraph. I thought that all those things were suppose to happen all the time for the rest of my life (And yes with some very very rare lucky people it does). It took 14 months for me to realize that what made me love him were not superficial things, but the little things that I looked over because they never seemed important or substantial. The things that never made my tummy flutter or my heart race.

Things like being a hard working man that doesn't complain about going to work everyday and on time! Taking the trash out (silly! but when you've dated someone who thought it wasn't his job to do so you realize quickly the difference between a man and a boy), being a great father (I never had any doubts), standing up for me, loving Jesus, who has such a gentle laid back approach to life. There are so many things that I overlooked because I just wanted those magical moments all the time. Yes, I'd still like to have them from time to time but if they don't ever happen I know it's not the end. I'm still going to be right here. I also know that anyone can give me those magical moments but not everyone can give me everything else he does. I learned so much during that time and I am so grateful for every second of it.

Now wait a second, I do need to say that all those heart racing moments are still important!! You have to keep things fun and interesting. You should always keep falling for each other, You should want to make your love feel those butterflies and get their heart racing! If you don't someone else will, best believe that!! Nobody wants a stagnant boring relationship. I think that is rude on the other ones end, you should always want to make them feel special and take time to do something for them even if you think its stupid. It takes two to keep it going. If your not making any deposits and only withdrawing then eventually you will be bankrupt!! That applies in every aspect of your life!! Not just a love relationship. Let me stop while I am ahead because that's actually a whole other blog!

Well, thanks to the Ed Sheeran station on Pandora for getting my writing juices flowing! Oh, so I have to point out something that bothers a lot of people I know.... I have trouble staying in whatever 'person' I start writing in. I apologize hahahaha I forget and mix it all up and then get lost. I will be the first to admit I am horrible at grammar. You should know this by now tho :)

Does God talk to you?

Have you ever wondered how some people can have actual conversations with God? No, is it just me? I don't discredit it or think anyone is lying when they say such things, I just want to know how can I have that happen. How come I can't talk with God like that?! Or maybe I should say how come God can't talk like that with me. 

I try to get quiet and still. I try to free my mind of everything, which I don't know about you but it's extremely hard to do. I try to just think on the Lord when hoping to hear from Him. Some people make it sound like they can just have this back and forth conversation like you and I would have, but with God. I have trouble hearing Him the initial time to ever get to the second and third time that a conversation would entail. I'm pretty positive it's me, not His fault. Who blames God for anything right?! 

How do I know the thoughts or 'response' I think I hear or comes through my thought path is Him and not just me thinking that's what He might say. I question things too much for this tedious stuff. I'm that person who ask God a question and then the next thought I think of I always just write it off as me.  I guess it would be easy to distinguish if He would speak in an audible voice but most people never hear that. Let's be honest that would freak me out at first. But how cool to get use to that?!! At least I wouldn't have to spend an hour wondering if that thought I had was Him speaking to me. 

So what makes the people who supposedly hear Him talk to them different from me? Especially people like Jesse Duplantis who I love to listen to, he always is so comical and makes God sound comical. I talk to God daily, throughout the day, usually the entire time I'm driving. So it's not like I don't take time to talk to Him. I turn the radio off and then get quiet and try to just listen incase He is trying to say something but I just never hear anything. One of my 'spiritual' goals this year is to work on this! To figure out how God speaks to me besides through Bishop Jakes and my Pastor. I want to hear from Him direct daily, to be able and ask questions and get replies. To make sure He's pleased with me, to have Him tell me if I'm doing this thing called life right! 

So if some miracle or breakthrough happens I will update you and let you know. If you have any advice feel free to give it :) As always I hope you enjoyed and could relate in some way. But the struggle is real yall!!! Hahaha 

The things I think about...

As I was driving the other day I was thinking about a lot, these are just a few random things that made the most sense to share.. I hope you get something out of it... even if it's just a little laugh because you thought I was funny. Hopefully your not annoyed at the end or feel like that was pointless! (eek)

enjoy..

I've come to realize that when someone has something ugly or negative to say about someone else it's usually just a reflection of what's going on in their own life. I say that on a personal level because I know that any time I've ever had something negative to say about someone else it's usually because I was insecure or upset about something that was or wasn't happening in my own life. I try not to let things that would hurt someone come out of my mouth these days, I don't want to be that person. Also I've noticed that if you have problems with a lot of different people it's probably not the 'other' people who are the problem, its more than likely you.

So.. 

I've always had a compassionate heart toward others. My mother always taught me to befriend everyone including the kids that others would be mean to. I've never been one who's had a stereotype, I've never 'fit' in with just one group of people. I can get along with about anyone, all these positive qualities that I have been taught to be and do, but no one taught me how to not get too invested. No one taught me that in order to love all you will probably get hurt by all. That even if I can see the potential in someone, that doesn't always mean they can. The hardest thing for me to grasp is that not everyone can stay away from the things in this life that become addictions. I've never had a problem with peer pressure so I don't understand why its so hard for others to just not do something regardless of who else is doing it. I don't know why when you have so many people who genuinely care about you and are rooting for you why you fall back into that lifestyle. I know it's not that easy for everyone, I get that, I am just saying I struggle with finding that in between area. That middle where you can care but not get attached, I am an all or nothing type of person. Always have been, always will be. 

lets talk about it..

Valentines Day is around the corner already. I use to be that person obsessed with it but after never having that magical night I've officially given up!!!! I'm not going to lie it still upsets me every year that I can't have that romantic scene out of a movie but I try to tell myself that stuff isn't real and doesn't exists. I actually think it is better to be single on that day, you have no expectations and can't be disappointed!!!!! No, I'm not bashing Trav, I am just being a girl. A girl who wants a night she wont ever forget. A girl who wants rose petals on the beach with a blanket that has chocolates and those flameless candles because we all know candles wont stay lit on the beach. I want a full moon and hot chocolate (with milk hahaha not water!) A little romance, some Ed Sheeran on the playlist followed by some old school Barry White. Some conversation and counting stars, making wishes. THATS ALMOST ALL FREE!!!! It doesn't get much easier than that! No reservations, no dressing up, no waiting, no crowds. Okay so I think I am done rambling now.. 

Actually now I am going to go watch the movie Valentines Day if it's on Netflix! I am such a sucker for romance. If only, if only.......

Ohh!! Guys if you need some help I CAN CREATE A NIGHT WORTH REMEMBERING FOR A PRICE!! I got you! Call me! 

Oh my goodness I just read over that and that is NOT what I meant, I mean for your girl...... remember I am an EVENT PLANNER.. I'm obviously not what that sounded like. How embarrassing. I'm gunna go on that note!