letting go.

I am going to take a moment and be vulnerable. Theres a lot I would like to talk about but I think I want to open up about something that always confuses me when I hit this phase of life. Its a repetitive phase, well I mean I have felt this way at different times in my life. I can't pinpoint the other times but I just know this feeling.

I unfortunately am a worrier.

yea I know I am not proud of it.

I've gotten better about worrying less about what others think, because quite frankly people are going to think whatever they want to think. At the end of the day I really aint got time for all that. Bishop Jakes says its none of my business what others think of me....

But the thing I struggle with most is money. Being financially stable, having what we need and even want. Paying our bills on time, even trying to save money, just trying to be smart with money. With that being said all of last year I would just talk to God about it, about blessing us somehow to get ahead, for promotions. I would be so incredibly stressed out and just not understanding how or why we had to struggle so hard. Ultimately listening to Bishop Jakes every week got me through because he is very clear about there will always be a struggle in life. That struggle is even necessary, because without the struggle you cannot appreciate the breakthrough. You wouldn't know the difference if you've never had to struggle in life. That Jesus didn't have a smooth ride while here on earth. And if Jesus had to go through hard times what makes you think you wont.

But everyday I would just worry about it, I just felt like my prayers were always begging God to help. He opened doors for raises, extra income, gave me a company to become part of. I saw those things and obviously thanked Him everyday, but it just still wasnt really enough. We were still behind, still struggling. But because I was constantly talking to God and expecting great and wonderful miracles I just felt close to Him. I know that is kind of odd. After awhile I started trying to stop worrying and start just trusting and not beggin Him daily about the same ol thing, that He already knew before I even had to mention it. It's not like He forgot or doesnt know the outcome already. duh!

anyways...

So its like all of a sudden I stopped worrying and let go of the stress concerning our finances. I don't really know how or when but I did, and we've been caught up on everything. Thanks to tax returns we've been able to really get caught up and do more that needed to be done. Yes I thanked Him and still do, if I am being completely transparent I don't thank Him enough, doesnt mean I am not grateful and thankful but I need to say it more. But because I am not begging daily anymore I feel like I am not as close as I was with God. That is the part that confuses me. I think its because so many people want to talk about how in order to love Jesus you have to always stay in the struggle and there is never an end to it. So I almost feel like because I'm not sitting around stressed out and praying about the same exact thing over and over that I am not doing all that I can be doing. As tho I am wrong. I don't know really how to explain it, maybe I am the only one who feels like this.

All I know is that I still know I cant go a day without Him, even on the days I don't acknowledge Him as I should, or even talk to Him like I should. I know that He is always providing for us, I know He will never fail me, never leave me. I know that I am a thankful person, for absolutely everything I have ever had and will have and even the things I havent had or He has kept form me.

I also deal with not feeling like I am worthy of the breakthrough and blessings or that I am enough..  That would be my other biggest problem I have in life. however that is another blog post.. I am still thinking about that one..