looking back at 2011...

Haha, just ran across my other blog I use to have while we were separated and found this lovely post! I say that jokingly! Wow. to look back and see where I use to be... before children and separated. makes me laugh but also makes me see how much I've grown and how God has moved in my life. 


It's a new year, you know what that means new resolutions for the next 365 days. I've never really made resolutions before so I think now at 24 is the time to start :) Some may be silly, some may be extreme and the rest normal so here's to keeping them.. Cheers!!

- to have whiter teeth (still a resolution 3 yrs later)

-to clean my car inside & out once a week (this too! esp with Kids)

-to learn from the past & sincerely move on (little did I know..)

-to get together with friends at least once a week (HA!)

-to Pray more (check)

-to increase my income (or have kids and no income)

-to pay my car off (that I did only to find out I would need a new one!)

-to be 115lbs. period. (how I wish! thanks BOYS!)

-to exercise at least 3 times a week (still need to do this to get that up there)

-to try new things often (oh Ive tried lots of new things.. becoming a mother)

-simply to be happy again (more than ever! <3)

-call my Mama more often (wish I could, She passed away in 2012, what I'd do to hear her voice tho) 

-be a better person in general (check! ever evolving)

-to meet new people ( yes! so glad I have)

-to dance A LOT (yes with two little red heads)

-to be in love (more than I've ever been)

-to try and hear when God speaks (still working on this)

-to figure out my talents and purpose I was created for (I have!! Praise the Lord! haha I'm sure there are more tho)

Goodbye 2011.... 

Goodbye 2014! Hello 2015!

So I've been trying to write this New Years blog post for the past three days and start it then delete it. So instead of really talking about the new year to come let me just talk about the one that has now passed. 

Just like everyone else there's been good and bad, but I want to be as honest as possible with still being positive. With that all said lets start in February when we finally found a house to rent and got out of the apartments and condos! That was amazing to see how God worked it out, the timing was the absolute last minute but right on time. I am so thankful for this house and our landlord, she has been such a blessing. March is when I stepped into what was going to be a prophecy fulfilled by taking the event planning class and getting one step closer to finding my gift and talent. April I started working for the teacher who would turn into my 'boss'. May-July would be filled with family, the beach, summer memories, fireworks with family and watching the boys take it all in for the second time. 

August! Happy birthday me! Except I didn't get a chance to celebrate my birthday, it was such a busy month. I had weddings to help with every Saturday and then the day of my birthday we celebrated my pastor being at our church for 10 years so I gave my time to honor him. We also started prepping for Bethlehem Live and planning for the big celebration in October for my pastor. 

September -December were all super busy as well!! September my momma and I planned and planned to do the #50yearchase event. Making sure it could and would be as perfect as it possibly could be, because we believe our pastor and his wife are worth every thought. It was so much fun for me to do what I love. October I had weddings to help with every weekend then the event we'd been planning for on the 18th! It was amazing! I had lots of goals I wanted to do with our family in the fall that just never got done. But that's okay this year apparently wasn't about our family but serving others. Which is what we're suppose to do as Christians. November was suppose to have a big second birthday party in it but because of everything else going on it didn't happen either, we did take them to Ripleys Aquarium with JoJo and Poppa and they loved it so that's all that really matters. I was upset over it because I felt like I wasn't giving them what they deserved but I know at this age they didn't expect anything..
 I was asked to decorate the church platform for Christmas and came up with some great ideas thanks to the help of Pinterest. I had help from a few people one who helped day and night, that I'm thankful for. Let's not leave out my most important helper Travis I always have something for him to hang!! It turned out great, looked like a winter wonderland with what I had to work with!!!  Thanksgiving came and we thought it was one of the easiest ones we've ever had. We got to spend the day with both sides of family eating together as one big family and played games. I wasn't stressed out, it was fun. We weren't running all over the place with cranky children. What a difference it made! We didnt get to  celebrate our 6 year anniversary this year either because we were in BL. So next year we have made a choice that we will celebrate every important date to us, I think it's vital to do that, we deserve to take time for ourselves and say no next year and put us first as a family. So be ready for invites :) 

Bethlehem Live deserves its own paragraph haha it was great! We had the best weather we've ever had doing it, we were booked up every night and we definitely made an impact on our county I believe. I really enjoyed getting to spend time with people who you usually wouldn't and getting to know them. Every night was so much fun for me, BCRC are the funniest people I think I've ever met, every night they had me laughing. Memories that will last, watching my husband play Jesus and take it so seriously was inspiring. Seriously he was praying during every show, always doing his absolute best, trying to be as real as possible and I think he did amazing. As did everyone else! Watching him grow this past year has been great because he's now the godly man I knew he would be. I just loved every single bit of Bethlehem Live. 

And just like that we are at the last month! December has gone so so so quick! We put our tree up back in November because like others we wouldn't have time in December. We have had the nicest weather this month as well and I'm glad because I'm over the cold. Christmas was so relaxing, we opened gifts at our place with the grandparents,we took a long nap In the middle of the day, that way we had happy babies all night! We went and had yummy food at my mommas and opened more gifts before heading over to sing Christmas carols on the Cookes front porch and then our pastors front porch! It was so fun, one of the best. The next night we all got in moms flex and went to Wilmington to look at Christmas lights and had a late night Krispy Kreme stop! Which now will be what we do every year!  The boys loved it and so did we. Tonight the 31st we will be at church and then hopefully watching Bishop Jake's and hearing the Word he has for us all as we ring in the new year! 

This year has had lots and lots of ups! Lots of memories. This year also brought a few scary times with both boys having had a seizure, CT scans from a fall, X-rays with those seizures. They have had more trips to the ER than I think I have and they are only two. BUT thank God, He watched over them every time as always. He also is healing their skin day by day we are still believing. As I have been talking about, this year has been a season of humbling ourselves. That is so very clear, not because we were arrogant before but in order for God to exalt you, you first have to humble yourself before Him, He is our only hope in this life. We cannot make it a day without Him, We know that more than ever now. I am so grateful for everything that has happened this year good and bad. It all plays a role in who you are, what you can do and who you will help. Bishop Jake's sermon from this past Sunday is on point as if he preached it just for me, I know our breakthrough is coming. I also know that we will be better people, individually and as a couple for this years trials. I also can say this year is the best year we've had as far as our marriage goes. We've never been closer. We will always have one anther's back no matter who comes against us. He is mine and I am his. I realized the other night that at 21 this is what I was wanting but I just didn't know then that it takes time and life issues to get to where we are now. I am so very excited to see where God takes us and what He opens for us in 2015! I am excited for the people I will meet in this next year, the ones I have met in 2014. I hope I can make a difference in someones life this coming year and hopefully I have this past one. I am also okay with the people who are no longer in my life, the ones who are at distance, the relationships that are growing and the ones that are dwindling away. It's all for a reason, it's all on time. I will not let peoples opinion of me change me. I will be thoughtful, respectful, and loving. I will pray more and talk less. I will distance myself from ones who talk about others. I will not play a part in that. I will encourage others not bring them down. I will no longer have time for the ones who do otherwise, life is too short and too important for nonsense. I want to be the best version of me I can be. What He intended for me to be. As should you!

Happy New Year!! 

Thoughts today..

It's amazing the connection that being a mother gives you to other women who also are mothers. It's almost like being a mother is an empowerment, I look at other females differently now. Instead of looking at them and fighting my insecurities I now look at them as strong individuals, some more than others. It takes a lot to be a good mother. We won't talk about the worthless ones. But the ones who sacrifice, the ones who have their priorities in order. There are so many different types of us that you can never put us into just one category. 

It's nice how now that I am a mother I can have a conversation with strangers all the time because I see them in the same place in life that I am. Well the ones who have toddlers, but even older women or younger who have older children than mine I feel I get looked at with instant respect now when people see me out and about with two two year old little red headed boys. It's crazy. At the grocery store, shopping, beach anywhere I go I can connect with other women on a level I've never been able to before. It's no longer a competition. It's a 'hey I see you over there struggling with that little one but you can do this, you'll make it' it's incredibly amazing to me. 

I also now can sympathize when a mother is in pain. Just like the mother down the road who lost her little boy, it literally brings tears to my eyes and I can't stop thinking about it. I don't even know her but I want to hug her, I want to stand with her and support her. I pray I will never know what she's truly feeling but I feel enough with just the thought of it that it hurts. Not only for her but for her other little boy, his twin. I sat and watched my boys play this morning tackling each other and laughing and tried to understand how is it going to be for him. That bond that nobody knows except for twins, to know everyday of his life has been spent with his brother, every moment probably shared, bath time, dinner time, bedtime, now he will have to do them all alone. Even if there are other children it's not the same. It breaks my heart. I have prayed and prayed for this family. I feel like it's our duty as mothers to stand together and be there even if we are strangers, I feel like we should all be at that funeral to show our support and love and let her know she's not alone. No, nobody wants to go to a child's funeral but if it means letting her know that somehow someway she will make it through this then shouldn't we? I beg and plead I never have to go through this awful tragedy because I don't think I could come out of it. But God knows whose strong enough and who isn't and He only gives us what we can handle, so if you ask me that's one strong woman down the road. To know every Christmas Eve she will replay what happened and then the day after Christmas yet again getting the news, I just pray somehow it gets easier to deal. That she can find a way to look up, that she can find a way to comfort the other little boy and be so sensitive to his loss as well. So if you have read this then stop and pray for this family, they would appreciate it I'm sure. 

To you mothers I am proud of you, your stronger than you know, smarter than you know and more beautiful than you even know! 

Merry Christmas!!

So this is Christmas.. 

I think the older I get the less christmas feels like Christmas! Maybe it's because life is so busy, maybe it's because it's not just me, my mommy and dad anymore, maybe it's because there's no more traditions. One it's different when you've moved and all your family lives 8 hours away. There's no going to mama & papa house (grandparents) cousins are all grown and doing there own things, not to mention were that family like most who can't really all be together for too long without someone fighting with the other. I don't know but it's just different when you start getting older. It's no longer about the gifts, the songs, the movies, the snow or lack of here, nor the lights. Yes ultimately it's about Jesus but now it's more about spending time with the people who matter most. 

I've noticed that realizing this has really been a big deal this year with this 'season' I talked about that we're going through. It has made it to where gifts weren't an option this year if I am going to be pure and honest. My mother insisted the boys needed something from us so she made it possible but this year God has really let me see what it means to be humble. To see what it's like not having all the things I'm use to having. To have to 'make do' with things. I'm not okay with it in the sense I want to stay here but I'm okay with the lessons learned like I've talked about in the last one. I'm so so thankful this year for so incredibly much even though it's the least I've ever had. That to me is the greatest thing to be able to say that and mean it with every ounce of my being. I've now learned and just gotten to the point when I start to get stressed about what I don't have I automatically like clockwork start thanking God for the things I still do have. I may not have clothes in my closet that are new or even really fit the proper way but Jesus thank you that I have something to put on everyday. I may not have the means to go buy the things I'd like to have in this house but thank you Lord that we have a HOUSE now. I may need more room in our vehicle but God I want to thank you that you made a way to give us the car we have and it had more than what we were even looking for in it. Jesus I may not be able to go to work everyday and we may sacrifice 80% of things were use to but thank you that I get to watch my boys grow up right before my eyes every single day and see what you have placed in them come to life. My family is healthy even though I complain about my body, I am thankful that it works and is whole. I am so thankful for every tiny thing these days, that I know this Christmas I have more than even the people I see with a hundred gifts under their trees have. By no means do having gifts mean anything bad obviously if we could we would have more under ours as well but I don't think you will ever truly appreciate something until you dont have it or can't do it. 

Now this is personal preference don't go getting all upset if you don't agree and by no means am I trying to talk about someone specific 'behind the lines' or whatever that saying is. Just us personally it is so important to me really that our boys are grateful for everything they are ever given in life. I do not want them growing up in this world thinking someone owes them something. You work for what you have. Life doesn't just hand you things, with that being said I don't want the boys expecting hundreds of dollars worth of gifts or a certain number for their birthdays and Christmas. I want them to be thankful for one the same way they would be with ten. I'm all about spoiling them hello I am an only child, but I also was and have always been grateful. I want to make sure they turn out the same way. I want to teach them to give their old toys away to kids who can't get new ones or even take those same kids some new ones, I want them to want to help the needy, to see that no matter where you've been it can all be taken from you and then what are you truly left with? 

Everyone has ways seen me as materialistic and I hate that people judge me and put me into a category altogether. There's so much more to me than what I have, but because I like to make myself look a certain way or I strive to have the best that I can have they only see what they want to see. They don't see that I believe in acting like what your expecting God for, or looking the part of what your waiting on. That I want to be around people who are where I'm trying to go not where I am or have been. I carry myself a certain way because of where my focus lies. I expect God for greater things, I expect to be the one lending to others and never borrowing again. I expect to be debt free. I expect to have the windows of heaven  pour down a blessing I can't contain. Not because I'm greedy, not because money is everything but because he says I am the head and not the tail, that he is my Shepard and I shall not want anything, that he supply's all my needs, that he is my provider and protector. That He is my father and my friend, that my steps are ordered, that he has a plan for me to prosper, that my house should be filled with wealth and riches. I also know just like in this season of lack that even now I will praise Him and worship Him because of who He is not what I have. My heart is pure. My intentions are pure and my desire is to do His will, so this Christmas I thank God I have a sound mind, that I have a job, that I know my gifts and talents, that I know who I am, that no one can change me or shake me, that I am a wonderful mother, a loving daughter and a ever improving wife and a friend who will be loyal and honest. I thank Him that in a few hours when my boys wake up I will say Merry Christmas and look at the two greatest gifts I could have ever been given and that is more than enough for me. I hope each and everyone of you who read this have a warm, memory filled day, that you take in every moment and not let it pass you by, that you see the goodness in everything you do or say. I am excited to capture more moments tomorrow that will only happen once and if your too busy complaining about what you don't have you will miss them. So be present. 

Merry Christmas :) 

Ready for a new season and I don't mean naturally!!

There's a season that we are in and I am going to be very honest and say I do not like it at all. I'm trying to find purpose and meaning in, I'm trying to figure out what it is that I need to learn from this season. This season has been going on since we got back together and the boys arrived. This season has almost reached it's all time low. I say that carefully! 

I feel like I know the lessons I've learned from this season and they are major ones but why is it still going on? Why does it seem to be getting worse? Surely it has to be time for a new one soon right? I mean two years seems like forever, yes I know they went through much much much worse in the bible,  yes I know God always took care of them and He will us. Yes I know I will praise and worship Him regardless of my circumstance around me. I know that I know these things. 

So anytime now it can switch on into a new one. One that seems much like spring not the absolute dead of winter. I've worried, then I've given it to God to handle because there is no possible way or thing I can do to change this season. I've tried! And we'll I've tried again! I've cried, I've begged, I've pleaded, I've just wanted to sleep until it all changes and things are better, I can't see what God is doing and what He has on the other end of this. If I could, if I could just see a glimpse then maybe I could find some type of meaning in this, I just can't understand why He would give me something and then make me struggle for two years to even take care of it.

 Don't start on me about sacrifices because you will lose whatever relationship we may have, I know all about sacrifices, I'm not the spoiled, diva everyone seems to run off at the mouth about all my life. I'm pretty sure I've sacrificed the same if not more than a lot of others young and old. So it's best if you keep those remarks to yourself. I just need some glimpse of hope, that there is a way out and it's coming. I've been believing, expecting, speaking, hearing time and time again about this breakthrough that's coming and I know it has to be out there somewhere I just wish it would happen NOW!! It's so hard to be patient when your timeline isn't the same as Gods. His obviously is the right on time one and mine isn't even though I wish it was. I'm just tired of talking about the struggle I'm ready to brag about how He has turned it all completely around and we can't contain it. 

If you believe that we should always struggle and be without and that in order to be a Christian you have to be poor and burdened your entire life than I'm sorry. I don't, I believe where there is a struggle there is a blessing to follow. I believe the greater the struggle the greater the blessing. I believe God wants us to be able to take care of our children and their needs. I believe that we should be able to lend to others and borrow from none, I believe I am the head and not the tail, I believe that He is my Shepherd and I shall not want. I believe I am a Kings daughter and an heir to Him. I believe these things, I have to, if I don't I would be in some type of mess because the way things are right now would send me into a depression and my family would suffer from that. Travis wouldn't be able to stand me and my children would see the worst in me. Not being able to give your child what they need is the absolute worst feeling in the whole entire world! I don't believe in bringing children into this world if you have to live off the government and can't give them what they need. But I also didn't have a say in being a human producing beast that makes two at a time either so I have to Solely rely on God to do it, to provide, take care of them. There is a greater purpose behind them, I just want to be the absolute best mother and wife I can and when your constantly worried about bills and stressed out it robs that greatness from you. So I hope very very very soon I can write about how a tremendous miracle happened and have some peace of mind. This weight to be lifted from above us that's pounding us down. Another miraculous testimony of His goodness and plan for our lives. To the ones who believe like I do I thank you in advance for your prayers.   

My name is Jessica, nothing else.

Hello, my name is Jessica. 

I enjoy painting. writing. primping. 90's and also R&B music, not 90's R&B hahaha  dancing. laughing. the beach under the moon light. I am very creative.  I like to make visions in my head come to life in front me. I am a hair stylists and an event planner. I love Jesus with every ounce of my heart. I prefer a light, giggly atmosphere with people who enjoy the same. Yes I said giggly. I have a million plans and goals in my head that one day I would like to complete. I love to see the good in others because they already know the bad no need to remind them. I am nice to everyone. I expect the same in return. If you make me laugh I will remember you forever. Laughter is the greatest emotion in life!! Well maybe love is but usually laughter leads to love in my opinion. 

My absolute hands down favorite things are: 

Baskin Robins peanut butter chocolate ice cream

Urban decays electric pallette 

American eagle jeans 

Jessica Simpson heels & handbags, okay anything that has her name on it!! 

Bellami hair extensions 

Skater skirts & crop tops ( however that's not practical these days) 

However people for some reason usually only know me as 'the Twins mother' or 'travis' wife'. But let me take a moment to tell you more about Jessica, not the twins mother or Travis' wife but just me! 

99% of the time the above doesn't bother me, I obviously love being those two things but that 1% has been making an appearance lately. Yes of course I will always be those two things and chose to be. But I am an individual too, I was someone before I was a wife and mother. I had a name that people had to remember because they couldn't just call me something else. 

Very rarely when I do get the chance to go somewhere or just be ALONE it's so refreshing. I can just go back to being me, just me, with relatively no responsibilities for the moment. And yes it feels wonderful. Last night was one of those nights. I had to go to a company mixer in wilmington which required me to be dolled up and just be Jessica all night. In moments like that I feel empowered and like I own where I am. I feel confident in myself, making people remember my name, not how many children I have or someone's wife. 

To be honest for that 45 minute drive I'm easily taken back to the days of my scion and the rooftop open with my speakers pounding out bass. Carefree and fun, self esteem overflowing, heels and perfect hair. The things that I enjoyed and yes thats what defined me. A body before children, hair before children yes it was soooo much better!! Those little red headed boys have done a number to my physical appearance I tell ya! I could wear what I wanted and didn't have to worry about it being 'too short' or my heels 'too high' because I wasn't bending over with two little ones tugging at me. I actually had a wardrobe now it's slightly depressing to go shopping and be able to just buy what I want without thinking is it practical!! 

I guess what I am rambling about is I need to take time for me to be me. For everyone's benefit!! Because just being out for a few hours last night was refreshing! Now I feel ready to tackle today with my snotty nose handsome little boys. I am a better wife and mother when I get a moment to just go be me! It really is so very important. It's a given that being a mother and wife and all three of my boys are in my 'favorites' list, I just didn't think I had to mention it. Of course I don't wish to have that life back before children they obviously are my world but I just like to be honest when I write because what good will it do to hide how I really feel? Who will I ever help hiding feelings and acting like I am the perfect wife and mother and human being. No one. So maybe I will try to have a glam night out at least once a month if not twice:) 

Happy Second Birthday Boys

11,510,640,000 seconds.

191,844,000 minutes.

17,520 hours.

730 days.

 24 months.

2 years. 

TWO YEARS!!!

My little 5lb 11oz and 5lb 6oz babies will be 26lbs and two years old tomorrow! My little love bugs who almost killed me haha when coming in this world have done the opposite since being here. They have given me life, they make everyday full of smiles and giggles, hugs and kisses. I couldn't have asked for better children. They are sweet, thoughtful yes even at this little, they are kind and loving. They are incredibly smart and intrigued by everything new. They dance and sing like their daddy and play every instrument they are allowed to touch. They are truly amazing. 

Now let's not act like everyday is a piece of cake and they do no wrong. There's nothing worse than reading about someone else's life and they only ever talk about the good. Then your left feeling Iike you must be doing something wrong because your kids aren't that 'good' all the time. My boogers are quite trying at times. They will purposely look at me before doing something they know they shouldn't, if one does something and I tell them 'no' the other one walks over and does the same thing then looks at me. They both can be headstrong, thankfully it's usually different days! I have to say the most aggravating thing these little boys do is dump their food on the ground usually it doesn't stop there tho, they then preceed to run over it with their train and plane they ride. Oh my goodness it's a daily thing and happens multiple times a day!! Now they do it and while it's still falling to the ground they say 'Uh ohh'. So they definitely know what they are doing!!  But hey what do you do? Ya know. 

They have loved a few different shows and movies this year. Currently it's Annie and Maters Tall Tales on Netflix. Over the summer it was only Mickey Mouse clubhouse, Thomas the Train before that and Sesame Street. They love corn, hotdogs and of course Mac n cheese! I am a little embarrassed to admit this but McDonald's is their favorite place to eat! When we pass by one they point and whine to go. They both love to read, color, paint and chase Buddy with their toys. They have grown into such different but similar little boys this year. 

I know a lot of people say treat them as two different individuals and of course we do but our boys are very close. They've only ever been separated for three hours their whole life. They do everything together, they look and call out for the other if they can't find them. I want to keep them close growing up, they can distance themselves later in life when they are old enough to make that decision. Some noticeable differences would be Elijah has to park his trucks and trains before he goes to bed every night. It's so funny because not only does he have to park them or he'll throw a fit but they have to be in a perfect line or else he has to fix them. Malachi does that sometimes but not near as much as Elijah. Malachi is my fearless climber, he is so nerve wrecking to watch sometimes. Even though he usually does something 'crazy' first he is always helping his brother to join him. He will pull Elijah up by his hands or if he is waiting for him to climb up something he will push him on his butt to get up and over whatever it is Elijah is climbing. It's the sweetest thing, he is such a thoughtful little boy. They both are, always bringing each other their cups, food, toys, whatever it is they have one of. Sweet sweet boys.

I am so grateful to God that He knew I would be strong enough and loving enough to take care of these little energetic beings. I've never known the amount of strength, love, affection, tolerance, patience, joy, happiness, humor I had until they came into my world. Everyday there is always a "wow" moment. To see them do something and know I am doing this thing right. Yes there will always be room for improvement but to know I am an amazing mother really is satisfying. I am in no way shape or form rushing their/our life but I am looking forward to how God blesses us this second year of their life and just how smart they really are when they start talking clearer and not stopping!!

To my baby boys; Mommy loves you sooo much but remember Jesus loves you even more. Happy Birthday!  

Getting to my Fall to do list!

So this fall hasn't gone as planned for my "mommy moments"!

I wanted to do all the pumpkin things like pictures, hay rides, picking out our pumpkins and carving them, but we haven't done any of it. I guess I should just do it during the day but I want Travis to be apart of these memories. I just always feel like I miss the "opportunities" to do these things that other mothers are doing. It passes us by before were able to get to it. It was just like this last year, I know that it has a lot to do with social media and the other moms I follow on them. They always make it seem like they do all these things with all these pictures of how creative and fun they are. I know it sounds dumb but I just want to capture those moments so I don't have to look back like I've already done in the past two years and wish I would have done this and that. It's not like you can 're-do' it, there wont be a second time around.

Today is the first Saturday I haven't had to work (the only day of the week I do work) and had planned to do fall family photos today and check off other things on my Fall to do list. You should know though it is the first cold rainy day we've had in about a month. OF ALL DAYS!!!!! aghhhh!!

So maybe the boys and I will go do some fun things this coming week during the day, otherwise they just wont happen! I know I am being silly about these things that are not 'important' but they are important to me. I also know I don't ever want to get caught up in having the pictures that we don't enjoy the actual moments. I just want the boys to experience everything I got to as a child and more.

So hopefully my next post will be about all the things we have gotten accomplished! :)

Happy Fall Ya'll

Chit chat

Hello again..

I know I get on these kicks where I can post often and then months go by and there is so much I want to say but when I try I find myself not being able to. Maybe it's writers block, maybe it's God keeping me quiet whatever it is it happens often, very often. 

Maybe I will touch on a few things that have been going on in my head and life in this post. Sound good? I think so. 

First let's talk about how AMAZING my pastors 50th celebration was!! Not just the decor but the whole thing, the people, the program, the food, every bit of it was great. Couldn't have been better, okay well something can  always be better!! I was very happy with how everything looked! From what others have said they were too! Yay!! 

Also I do believe I have booked my second wedding for 2015!! This one is at an old church in turned venue, it's gorgeous, charming and full of character! I'm excited and thankful for another one!! Please pray that people just flood in and my business prospers!! 

Ahh... 

The boys second birthday is in less than a month now and I have yet to buy anything! I planned this out months and months ago thinking I would buy as time went. Well I wasn't ever able to, still believing God for making a way. I want it to be fun, creative, something they will enjoy but at this moment I am just praying I can still do it. 

Two! Can we talk about that for a second?! My little itty bitty 5lb babies will be two and 26lbs!! Wow time is speeding by. But I am proud of myself I truly try to take in every single moment with them. I stop and watch them do little things and can see daily how they get smarter and taller. They are the absolute best things in our lives!! They amaze me every day. I am soo thankful that I was blessed with them and God knew I was stronger than I myself knew. 

Holidays are coming up soon! 

I am hoping to capture those with many pictures and memories. Do some new things for thanksgiving this year! Christmas we will be home but thinking we might change some things about Christmas and Christmas Eve this year too! I love the way the holiday season makes me feel! We also get to decorate for the first time since we've been back together, it will also be the first time the boys have had a Christmas tree! Minus when they were 1 month old at my moms. That's gunna be a lot of fun! 

Bethlehem Live will be happening in the next coming weeks! I am looking forward to it, it's been so long since the last time we did this! I get to be my loves personal assistant. Which I think it'd be neat to be Jesus personal assistant too! Right?! Yes he is playing Jesus. The most important role of the whole thing! What's funny but obviously was suppose to happen is he looks just like the part ( as far as how we 'think' Jesus looked) without trying! We all just assumed he would be the one and he is. That might sound like oh how cool, and it is but with that comes other things. We already live to the best of our ability, but people watch you more closely, usually waiting for you to mess up, you are under more trials, the devil tries to break you even more than the norm. It calls for an annointing that not everyone has but I can whole heartedly say he now has. The plus side is with his/our devotion to this and sensitivity God will also bless us for being honest, humble, willing, taking this as serious as we do and not lightly. God is a good God. 

Life is so busy this year, I love it though. I am so excited to keep seeing where God is taking us, the best it yet to come!! 

I need to testify!

I'm not one to stand up in front of people and talk or be center of attention but I do need to give God some praise publicly. With doing so that also means I have to be completely honest about our situation. 

We are at the lowest place financially we've ever been at. All joking aside we have never struggled this much since we've been married. It has been extremely hard more so for me than Travis, as a woman I worry about how things are going to get paid and trying to give my children everything they need. We haven't been able to afford to buy anything out of want since we had the boys. It has been strictly necessities. I don't go shopping for myself, I don't go out and have dinner with friends, I can't at this season in our life. Even though I worry I still know that God will and always comes through, I also know that we need a financial miracle and only He can do that. Going from two incomes and no children to one income and two children at one time to raise has been harder financially than physically or emotionally. Most people get to ease I to the transition of starting a family. Even with that I know God didn't give us two babies and then not going to take care of them. So I know it's coming, I have to keep believing it's coming because otherwise I get so overwhelmed and down about what's going to happen that it can really take toll on me. 

It's coming.

 Our breakthrough. 

Three Sundays ago Pastor Jimmy preached on how to get your breakthrough. Not only did he preach that but everybody knows I watch Biship Jakes every Sunday night as well and he has been preaching on Worship lately, what has caught my attention is the difference between Praise & Worship. Worship is what you do even if He never gives you another thing, even if your sick, even if your mad. You worship Him for who He is and not what He has done for you. Praise is what you do for what He has done for you. Your thanking Him for everything He has done for you, saved you from, blessed you with, healed you of, delivered you from. I think once I fully understand this and put it to work which I'm trying to do now then our breakthrough will come at its fullest! I've always daily praised God but I've not gotten to that Holy Place when worshipping Him. 

For those of you who think your suppose to be poor and struggle your whole life in order to be a good Christian well that's your opinion on it and you can choose that life but I know I serve a God who is capable of doing anything, things my mind can't even fathom. So with that no I don't think I'm suppose to be poor and barely make it by. Life is easier when you can pay your bills without figuring out which ones are the most important and need to be paid first. The way I feel about money is the opposite of the world, when we get our breakthrough I know we will be less self centered people, why? Because instead of burying our heads trying to figure out our bills we will finally have ours taken care of and can help pay someone else's. That's my goal!! I want to be that person who calls the electric company and just pays people's bills who have been struggling. How am I going to bless someone when I can't take care of my own? Not only that but when I'm no longer worrying about how were going to survive I can then give and take my children places and make memories I can't at this moment! That's why it's a desire of mine to prosper financially. Not so I can go blow money and have what I want but for real reasons. 

I had to say all that to tell you that the Monday after Pastor Jimmy's sermon I booked my first wedding for 2015!! That Tuesday Travis got a $2.50 raise which helps but still isn't going to change things, I know that was just God giving us a glimpse of what's to come. I believe that was Him just letting me know I'm not talking to the sky, that He hears my pleas and that He will bring us through this dry place! So I want to give Him the praise and honor for those things!!! 

One more thing is I've been dealing with fear the past few weeks when it comes to night time. I've dealt with fear on and off my whole life, phases where I would literally be terrified to sleep alone, be alone at night. Then it just goes away and I lived on my own, can go grocery shopping at night and it wasn't a problem at all. Well it had started to come back and I wouldn't sleep because I was so scared someone might break in or something terrible. I would make Travis get up in the middle of the night and turn on lights because I would hear a noise and my heart would beat so fast I thought it would jump out my chest. Id rather sleep in the living room than my bedroom because I felt like I was safer because I could hear better, it had gotten out of control again. 

I know fear isn't of God but the devil, and I know to pray, sing whatever it may be to feel at ease and make Satan flee from my thoughts. I did those things but it wasn't helping, so last Sunday night Pastor was praying for BCRC guys and that they would sleep and I was praying for them as well even though I wasn't sleeping. While I was praying I could see my house from a bird view and I could see a hand with a white robe sleeve hanging and it was pouring blood all over my house, next came a hedge all around it like actually bushes, and lastly I saw angels that circled outside of the hedge the whole way around my house. 

I want you to know I slept so good that night and since. So I just wanted to share what God has been doing for us and myself. 

I also want to throw in that I think Elijah's seizure spiritually was just an attack of the devil because. God had blessed us just days before. But I know my children are covered by His blood and He will always watch over them. 

I hope this encourages someone, I know I needed to tell of these things and I'm not going to just stand up in service and have everyone staring at me so thanks for reading this book haha :) 

 

New things.

Lately I've been paying attention and noticing all the new little things the boys can and are doing. When they do something new it always gives me this feeling of accomplishment and fullfillment. That feeling of 'I must be doing something right'. 

As Malachi was cleaning up his crayons and colored pencils the other afternoon I watched as he was no longer picking up one at a time and placing it in the container but was picking up one and then another while keeping them all in his same hand! I don't mean picking up a handful, I mean one at a time while still holding three or four already! I just stood there and watched him the whole time thinking what a moment, my little boy who was picking one up at a time and throwing them in last week was now picking them up like a big boy. I applauded him for how smart and a good job he was doing and he just kept on in such focus. 

They both have been talking a lot more lately, repeating what they hear on tv and from us. They may not get the words quite right but the sound is the same. They were watching Sesame Street together and counting along with big bird the other day while eating their goldfish and It caught my attention so I sat their and just listened yet again in amazement. 

They are such smart boys. They are constantly watching everything everyone else is doing and then doing it themselves. I have caught them in real 'twin' conversation too. They will go back and forth just like you and I would and then do whatever it was they were talking about. It's insane to watch. 

They love to drive, love their trains and new trucks. They love to read every single day and night. The same books over and over, we are buying them new ones for their second birthday this year if not for them for my sake. They love their boats and bath time but their favorite thing at the moment is still the moon. Yes the moon. We look at it every night that we get out of the car and it's always the first thing they point to in a book. 

I'm so thankful that I am the type of mother who takes in all these moments and really pays attention to her children. I am blessed with the absolute best baby boys in the world! 

Goodmorning :)

Goodmorning!! 

I am awake before the boys. 

This is rare! For the past 10 minutes I have contemplated in my head if they are okay because they have slept 10 minutes longer than usual. Maybe I should just enjoy these few minutes until they do wake up, right? They are fine, I shouldn't be worried about them sleeping in, something I wish for everyday! U

Ohh!! I hear someone starting to wrestle around in there. 

Wait for it.... 

Yep! Two cries. Two sleepy eyed babies standing up. Two sleepy babies holding their blankets and searching for their Paci's. My two babies reaching out for mommy. 

And so our day begins. 

what a typical day for us looks like.

As everyone knows its not the same every day but I thought it would be fun to sit down and actually write out how a typical day at home goes for us. I could get really detailed which would make it probably more interesting but I would be writing for days, this is long enough as it is!

Rise and Shine- or in my case hide under your pillow praying for another hour of sleep

6:50am the boys have woken up and our standing in their cribs crying for us
(the above is occasional but happens enough to mention)

7:00am Travis' alarm starts to go off for the first time as I hit him and in a whisper yell at him to hurry and turn it off before it wakes the boys and then threaten his life :)

7:15 it goes off again and so it begins the wrestling in the crib and crying starts
7:17 put boys in our bed (in hopes they want to sleep longer, though they never do)
7:19 change diapers, get bottles with milk
7:30 they hand mommy their bottles in exchange for their paci's and blankets
7:30 we watch daddy rush to get ready for work
7:45 they are now ready to go for the day, off the bed and on to their plane and train full speed ahead
7:50 they now want to watch Mickey Mouse Clubhouse
8:00 I give them dry cereal while they sit down to watch MM and eat
8:15 no longer sitting, cereal is now on the floor
8:17 I am telling them to pick it up instead they are running over it with their plane and train and continue playing
9:00 around here somewhere they usually get jelly toast or grapes, yogurt, (we don't do a big breakfast) also they get their first of many sippy cups with water/apple juice mix
9:20 I am cleaning up, depending on how much cereal was ran over I may vacuum at this point or wait till the mess just gets bigger- why vacuum every time they make a mess
9:20 they are still running all over. blocks, cars, still on their riding toys going as fast as they can, purposely running into the stove over and over as I tell them to stop before they dent it. To which they continue. slamming cabinet doors is another pleasure of theirs ugh.

- sometime during all this I have now read at least 3 books if not the same one 20 times. But not actually reading it because they could careless what it says they just want to point at all the objects and tell me what they are. They get smarter everyday. It amazes me, and I adore it. I've also had to tell them to get down from the coffee table which they like to put those riding toys up on and try to ride them off of it- its a nightmare. haa. I have had to redirect them to other toys probably 5 times in this "play time" because they are fighting over the same toy. Shaking their cups to get the juice/water out happens now as well.

-I have changed two poop diapers by now, usually they do it at the same time (twin thing maybe??)
10:30 rolls around and they start to get sleepy, they are walking around with their paci and blankets, some days they cuddle up with me as we watch Thomas or Sesame Street. FAVORITE TIME
10:50 here goes a quick bursts of energy and off they go
10:55 sometimes they start to get hungry again so they eat something, fill sippy cups
11:00 change diapers
between 11:00-11:30 They follow me to their crib and they lay down for a nap (usually no fuss these days) although they do like to run around in their cribs and giggle giggle giggle which is the sweetest thing to hear, until they finally lay down and pass out.

during nap time my typical day can go something like this:

laundry
dishes
shower
absolutely nothing, watch netflixs
sleep
social media catchup
paint
write
workout
primp/makeup/hair/
emails from work

here lately I have found myself actually wanting the boys to wake up because I get bored or don't want to do any of those things and just want to play with them... odd I know hahaaha They sleep anywhere from 1-3 hours so they nap great!

2-2:30 the boys wake up and let me know it. Pick them both up, and cuddle on the couch for a few
2:45 change diapers
2:50 fill up their sippy cups again (probably the 3rd time at this point) because now they are ready to play again.
3:00 make them lunch (yes i know its a late lunch around here)
3:30 clean up again, usually I will clean the kitchen at this point in the day because well it needs it

-from now till 5pm its a repeat of play time from earlier! books a hundred times, blocks, we have dance parties in the afternoons, cleaning up the messes they make. silly faces, hide and seek, we draw on the chalkboard wall, we get out the crayons and paper and we sit in the living room floor and create masterpieces. runny and jumping around on the couch as I tell them no, and anticipate someone getting hurt. kissing boo boos. they have managed to take almost all of our shoes out of the closet and tell me which ones are Momma and which ones are Daddy's on a daily basis. we may have tried to sit on the potty a few times just to get use to it. If we (yes 'we', they have to hold the vacuum and push it with me, takes FOREVER) haven't vacuumed yet we do it in this part of the day. Sometimes we will do dishes now too, which also results in them seeing certain cups/coffee mugs and somehow knowing which ones are Mommy's and which ones are daddy's again and they are always right. The first time they started this it caught me off guard but amazed me as I thought about it because I don't think hey this is my favorite cup or Travs but they notice. Then the cuteness turns to terror as they start taking out the dishes or runny off with dirty silverware...

4:50-5:15 we usually watch out the window off and on during this time for Daddy to pull in. When they see him they get so excited and point, yell 'thats daddy' and then run to the back door and wait for him to come in. At this point they get crazy lol they start spinning, or jumping all over the place, excitement and wanting attention now that he is home.

5:30 Daddy TRIES to sneak and take a shower but they always notice and have to follow or have a complete meltdown till he is done.
5:50 Daddy play time
6:00 I start dinner while they play with him until they push and pull on me wanting me to pick them up or wanting something, I'm yelling at Travis to get them and entertain them better haha. I always think they would want to play with daddy and forget about mommy for a few but no, never, I am still their number one :)
6:30-7:15 sometime in there we eat, watch a little Mickey while doing so (they eat more when watching TV versus sitting at the table they get bored to quickly)
7:30-8:00 between here it is bath time, they love love love bath time. even so that during the day they sometimes just go sit in the tub without water and play- some nights we paint the tub, some nights we stay in forever, some nights its a quick one... there is also a battle of yelling no, stop, sit down. they love to push the thing to let the water out so that's a constant battle. they try to dance in the tub NOT OKAY. at the moment I am trying to teach them to look up so I can rinse their hair without having it go in their faces. Its not going so good..

8:20 diapers, steroid cream (if needed), lotion, clothes, paci, blanket
8:30 bottles and snuggles on the couch
8:45 they try to go play again but its just because they are tired so it doesn't happen for long
9:00 by this time they are almost always in bed if not earlier, unless of course we are not home. Thank GOD seriously God, that they now sleep through the night since 19 months when we got their eczema under control. They don't fight it or cry either, unless one stole the others blankets.

I left out quite a few diaper changes in there. On occasion we have cranky days where I just want to hide, but its very rare. I do clean up messes what feels like all day long, the cereal I mentioned, juice they like to shake out of their cups, playing in the toilet if for some reason they get to it, picking up food I thought they ate but really just threw down as they were walking. ya know..

This is just an example of our normal stay home day. Going outside the house is a whole other adventure. Not hard just A LOT involved. I love it though, I couldn't have asked for better children, they are brilliant, funny, sweet, kind, they share, they clean, they are more than I could have ever imagined. As for the rest of the night for us I shower in peace, try to stay up and snuggle, watch tv/movie but it doesn't last long. I fall asleep or just go to bed. We may have a "normal day" but I still am exhausted after they go to sleep.

Yes I am a mother of NATURAL multiples!!

This will probably be one of those post where you start making a opinion before you finish reading it but that's okay. For some it may hit home and others it may not. But as a mother and woman of twins I want to talk about something that not bothers me but i... just, well I don't really know what the correct words/phrasing I'm looking for are... 

I always read these articles about twins, twin pregnancies, twin births and they all seem to try and disregard the fact that some women naturally get pregnant with multiples. Now your probably already starting to jump to conclusions that I'm trying to say us who do are 'better' than those who need science and doctors to do so, I'm not, not at all. To be honest I can't imagine what it must feel like to know you can't get pregnant on your own or at all, I don't know what it's like to suffer through a miscarriage, or get your hopes up for a family to be told you can't. I actually think to myself after reading all those stories 'wow Lord! Why me? Why was I given two healthy babies the very first time we tried and some don't get any?' But that's not even what this is about. 

I feel after reading these articles, post, comments as a mother of natural twins that we get put into a catergory that is kind of pushed to the side as if we should not 'brag about' the fact it was natural. That it's wrong or we are arrogant or things of that nature. To me that is wrong to belittle someone in general is wrong no matter the circumstance! No I didn't have to spend thousands to get my babies, no I didn't have to suffer through heart breaks before creating mine but I should be able to talk about and be amazed at how God did give me mine. 

Because quite frankly the fact that within 3 days of my marriage being restored we created two tiny beings the first time that it 'could' have happened astonishes me. It proves to me that God has a plan much bigger than my own for my life. That less then two weeks after conception I had a positive pregnancy test which is usually rare, the fact that within 5 weeks after conception we saw for the first time two itty bitty dots (really at that point still) so much so that the actual sack was still in the placenta that one of them had come out of. That's how soon we found out and saw our sweet babies. The fact that once I wrapped my head around the thought of "I am going to be a mother to not only one baby but two at the same time for the first time" I knew it was something big. The fact that when we found out they were both boys I knew in my inner most being these were going to be special babies in the kingdom of God. That their names that were given to me by Him meant exactly what they would live up to! Last but not least the attacks at the end and the horrendous delivery meant only that the devil was already trying to take us out but would not succeed!! 

So to every Woman of multiples that were created naturally stand up and own it!! Because not everyone has more than one child at a time and these days fewer who do did not have a hand in it!! It's a special thing and an amazing thing so I'm done with letting people or the world act like its wrong to ask or answer yes they were natural! I am a much stronger, braver, wiser woman than I ever knew I would be and I won't let anyone belittle my pregnancy or my babies or for that matter my story!! 

nothing important.

ahhh currently listening to my main man sing to me how its not a bad thing to fall in love with him.... Ya know my initials are now JT ..... and he did marry a Jessica, I'm just saying.... Jessica Timberlake hahahaha

anyways I know I keep going MIA. Its as if I have all these things just constantly running through my mind that I wanna get out but then writers block happens when I sit down to get them out. So tonight maybe I can just vent or blab or just simply listen to him sing to me some more on repeat.....

okay well I guess thats what I am going to do because I can't seem to stop daydreaming to write anything... maybe later or tomorrow umm Goodnight :)

I dont fit in with these girls

SOUTHERN GIRLS.....

I was thinking about this yesterday while driving for some strange reason maybe I was thinking about how EVERYBODY posts about how they are a "southern girl" I dont know anyways my thoughts were I dont fit into that catergory but I do live in the south so what does that make me???

You wont catch me fishing and hold nasty slimy fish up for a million pictures that a bunch of "country boys" like.

You wont find me in cowboy boots with dresses.

I rarely order sweet tea

I REFUSE to kill a animal of any kind.... well except for these 3 fish Travis had with that girl and to be honest I had to repent about throwing those healthy VERY ALIVE fish over the fence and hearing them flop around till they died... but they had to go just like she did!

I don't intentionally draw out my words or try to have an accent - however according to my cousins I do have one

I DO HAVE MANNERS! I do say yes mam and no sir but really? c'mon that should be everybody

I WILL NEVER WEAR CAMO!!!!!

I only listened to country music when I was little and then to impress a boy and when I say boy that he was.

I don't wear or even like those sandals every girl has down here Jack Rogers I think they are called??

I don't need my monogram on anything!!!

You wont find me buying those shirts that having sayings about southern girls either like the GRITS one and others.. I do own a Calcutta shirt and those ones with the fishes on them EVERYBODY wears around here... but that was again for that boy.

See!!! I am a girl very GIRLY girl who lives in the south but don't fit in...

Maybe I would be more of a Southern Belle... NO! because I don't like to follow everyone else....

Oh well!! I am me! What can I say??

The book I never finished HA! but sorta serious. Dont laugh!

I don't think anyone knows this except maybe 3 people but I sorta tried to start writing a book back when we were separated. I always thought it would be neat to do so but I am not a 'professional' writer, English was my worst subject I can tell you what a Noun and a Verb are and that is about it. Yeah, I know so then why even think about a book, well I had a great client who was a writer (actually published books and did well) tell me to try it one day just from her hearing me talk and my outlook on life. At that point in time I had some free time.... okay A LOT of free time to do so, so I just for fun started with 3 chapters. I found that writing about my current situation was super easy (everybody can write when they are heartbroken duh! just go read my other blog http://consciouslyconfident.blogspot.com/) so I thought it would be fun to share just the first chapter with y'all....

Dont JUDGE me!!

....and church people there is one little part about the praise and worship but seriously dont take it personal it was in between the split and all that jazz.... You guys are AMAZING now :)

I will go ahead and tell you the reason I stopped with the three chapters is because OBVIOUSLY we got back together but it happened two weeks I think after I wrote this... and well everybody also knows its HARD to write when your happy! yea I don't know either but its true!

So umm.... enjoy???

Oh! Grab a cup of coffee or Mt Dew you made need help to stay awake.

Like We Were Meeting For The First Time 

Chapter 1

He said “yeah, where do you want to go”? “It doesn’t matter wherever you want. I’ll buy your lunch let’s just go” I replied, thinking that would seal the deal. While walking down the aisle to the back of the sanctuary we decided on a place, we made our way out and got in our cars. The skies were grey with rain clouds covering any glimpse of the blue sky that lie behind. The rain fell like it were washing away the past and creating a clean slate as we drove down the highway, headlights glowing, windshield wipers steady in there side to side motion. While rushing to the door it felt as if it got 10 degrees colder in that short of a distance, he grabbed the door and held it as I walked in to the smell of what I was hoping to be delicious Italian food. He led me to a table over by the wall under the TV, as we sat down it started to sink in that I was finally sitting down with him able to talk, looking directly at him, no interruptions, no time restrictions and it felt so good. I have been waiting and day dreaming of how this would go if I ever got the chance again.

I’ve wondered if it would be extremely awkward, too intense; sit there with nothing to talk about in silence. I’ve wondered if all the emotions from the past 13 months would come rushing back, if it would hurt. I thought that I might be so happy I’d smile the whole time like a little school girl with her first crush. What I really anticipated was it feeling like I was sitting with my old best friend and in a sense it did a little but even more than I could have thought it was as if we knew almost everything about each other but were meeting for the very first time.

As the waitress came over to take our order we made small talk, about the tenuous down pour outside, the stories they were covering on the news above my seat, work, all of the obvious that you would if talking to someone for the first time.  Then it’s as if it was all natural, the easiness of talking with him came back but without and recollections of our past. I had told him I was on my way to a church in Wilmington but realized I wouldn’t make it in time so I then decided to just go to Beach Assembly seeing’s how I was already dressed and out. Now let me mind you I have only been out there a handful of times over the past year, so I usually still feel a bit standoffish towards everyone. This morning however I talked to these people the entire time before the service started. It felt like my home church again. Like when I was 13 and 14 years old and just came in like this was “my” church, not one I’m just visiting. While talking to everyone I spotted Travis setting up his guitar and music on stage, next time I scanned for him he was right by the door as if he was waiting to say “hey” to me but didn’t want to interrupt so he went on by and sat down. Praise and Worship was alright, considering the situation and of course maybe I’m a little biases but Travis sounds much better than he ever has in the past. The sermon was to the point and once we said Amen, I gathered my things and walked to some friends that he was standing beside and chit chatted so I could be in the mix without feeling like I was going directly to talk to him. My heart was still pounding a little faster than usual, however I felt very confident and at ease in the same instance. He asked “what are you doing today”? I replied with “nothing at all, you want to go get something to eat”? “yeah, where do you want to go”? he responded.

As our food was laid down on the table in front of us I told him I couldn’t continue to go to Breath of Life with no pastor, and the fact that no matter the day or mood I’m in during Worship I can only see and hear him playing guitar and therefore I cannot concentrate on what I should be doing. But when at Beach I can actually see him so I don’t have to envision him, instead I can focus solely on God. He asked why I don’t just go there and why I left in the first place. I explained my reasons then changed the subject to something more interesting, I asked if it was weird to talk about the people we had dated during this past year, my heart still turning out a beat faster than its normal rhythm. In which we did, I guess I was searching for any inclination as to how he really felt about that girl, hoping there were never really many towards her or at least nowhere near what he had for me at one time and hopefully even still. Why I was even worried about it is silly knowing he didn’t, no six months will ever compare to our 7 years we had. After picking at our food we put it in to go containers and brought our conversation to an end. Opening the door to the cold rain blowing in what seemed every direction we walked to our cars, as we were getting in he shouted out “see ya later” and I “ thanks for getting lunch with me finally” catching his eyes and locking in wondering if he was feeling the same way I was inside.

 Inside wishing that wasn’t going to be the end of our day, or maybe even a hug to say goodbye but neither. Happy that I even got the chance to sit down with no time restrictions or people around and just enjoy him. To look into his eyes again which seemed so different this time, they weren’t filled with misery like they have been, they were bright and I got the same looks I remember getting. It was as if he was hesitant to catch my gaze, probably because he didn’t want any feelings rushing back. That I understood, I was a little nervous too, considering I haven’t had any melt downs lately, and that God had definitely been working on me, my thoughts were gone of what we had, what we were. I have been made new, restored, let go of everything that was. Suddenly though I caught myself in a much happier mood, smiling big, a boost of energy rushing through my veins. Replaying every second of the morning over in my mind, making me ask God why do I feel like this, what just happened, I didn’t even plan on asking him to do anything today, I was supposed to be in Wilmington meeting new people not going to my old church, and definitely not spending time with my husband.

A few days had gone by and I noticed I still could not shake the thought of him. It was really bothering me because I felt as if God had just got me past all that, I was letting the thought of us go. Not dwelling on it anymore being just fine with that, happy, energetic, my reasoning now for waking up had been to see what God had for me, what He was going to do, who He might would introduce me to or what doors He may open up. But here I was now wondering is God up to something. Was there a completely different reason for God taking all the thoughts and emotions, the heartache, the anger, the bitterness away. Not necessarily so I would be a fresh, new mind, new heart, restored heart that is even better than the one I had before for someone new that I assumed He had for me in the future. Now I’m asking God if all of His healing had taken place for my marriages sake. Is there now a possibility that I needed to be made new so I could come back into this relationship as if we were meeting for the first time? Having been made new and whole I now understand that nothing can be of any good without God first, not even a marriage that I thought because I loved him was going to work just fine and be a fairy tale. As I continue to pray I am still praying His will be done, with or without Travis, that I am always on direction to my purpose.

It was after midnight laying there in my bed for the past two hours praying, thinking and praying some more realizing I wasn’t going to fall asleep anytime soon I got the notion to text Travis to see if he was still awake. To be honest I was expecting him to be asleep, knowing how he was when we were together he would have been.  So as I closed my eyes and decided to try and make myself fall asleep my phone vibrated, I opened up his message and read the word yes. I then responded with “can I ask you something and you be honest with me”? The bed vibrated again, those same three letters “yes”, I asked him “since lunch Sunday have you thought about me more than whatever your usual is or was”? Usually this is where he would have read what I wrote and just laid the phone down and not responded surprisingly he did with “yes I have”. I had a little more to say so I thought if I ask in simple short texts he would be more prone to answering. I texted him back and asked if he thought it was different though, as if it were the first time we were meeting, I got “yes, it wasn’t uncomfortable”. What pretty much ended the textation was myself sending back that I agree, and that I didn’t want him to think I thought we were getting back together or even trying to say that, but all I know is that I haven’t stopped thinking about him either. “I’m not sure what to do with that information right now” is what I read as the light from the screen lit up my bedroom.  I said okay and we said goodnight.

My God is simply amazing!

I need to get out some excitement!

So if you have been reading my blog (before I went MIA) you know I have been on this search of my core, purpose, my reasoning for why God created me! With that being said you also know that I was thrilled about the Valentines dinner I did with the help of my Mommy and others.... You also should remember the revelation I had in the bathroom that night about some of the prophecy's I had and that I figured out that the "schooling" the one lady meant was an Event Planning course. So that puts us in this very moment NOW!!!

I looked into the classes at all the surrounding colleges and even online. The only place offering it were the online schools, anybody who knows me should know I am big on being 'hands on" when it comes to learning and such.. So last month our community college called me and said they finally had a class available and when it started, how much and what I needed to do to get registered. So I immediately called mom with my heart racing at the timing of it all and told her we needed to go sign up I wanted to go that very moment but because of my children and husband I couldn't but needless to say we went the next day!

Tonight made the third class we have had and I LOVE every minute of it!! I was the most excited about my teacher, shes pretty, shes young, actually a year younger than myself, so now I'm old! But she actually has her own company and the experience to back her teaching. Shes pretty amazing! The best part is she has a child... My biggest issue I am dealing with is trying to find me and my desires without feeling guilty for not wanting to just be a mom and wife. So to know she is and has been juggling it all I feel like is God's way of showing me its okay to want what He designed me for. To go after it. He could have given me an old teacher who I couldn't relate to but He didn't He gave me what I needed for my own..... umm well I don't know what the correct word is I am looking for but I am sure you understand what I am trying to say. I am so wowed its insane! Class excites me, just listening to her speak about all the stuff and accomplishments and daily tasks is crazy I find myself in a daze at times picturing myself doing those things and how it must feel. With every class I know this is IT! this is what my GIFT is, this is my calling!!!

You wanna hear the best part of it all????

I was also told during that Prophecy that God was going to show me favor in this class.... Well I was talking about this with mom last week and how I am looking forward to whatever this 'favor' is. ( I say it like that because its not like we have to take test or pass anything so I'm not going to need favor in that sort of way) Mom said well you never know maybe she will take on someone from the class as an intern or something. Which is what I had been thinking as well, so what does my teacher say first thing tonight ??? Yep! She will have a position as an apprentice open if anyone is interested and even after the apprenticeship if there is a spot available and the apprentice wants it they can become part of the team. So I am not saying in an arrogant or cocky way, or that I know it all and that's why I feel I deserve that spot but I do honestly believe that spot is mine, because I am willing to learn, I DONT know it all, besides what God has already placed down in me before I was even born I don't know much. What I do know is I can do this, I can be a great asset to her company, and Its kinda funny because I already feel like I am her friend, like we could have been friends for a while now so its kinda cool.

Still my only concern even as riding home was how in the world would I manage this and still be a great mom and wife? Theres no 'set' hours, its usually weekends as far as weddings taking place, I have church on Sundays, Saturdays when Travis isn't working are our FAMILY days, am I being selfish? Could it realistically work? Then all of a sudden while I was scrolling down on Facebook I came across this:

From none other than my FAVORITE person that God uses to speak to me thru Bishop Jakes, his fb post reads;

Don't allow your past or PRESENT condition to control you. It's just a process that you're going through to get to your next level.

SAY WHAT?!?!

Just because at this very moment I have no idea how I would manage to take on a job with the boys and where they would go and who they would be influenced by and whatever else goes along with that doesn't mean its always going to be like this. I really really feel like I am starting to get a glimpse and understanding of my future and my purpose. I want to be successful and happy and a great person for me, because once I am who I need to be then I can never fail at being the best Mother, Wife, Daughter, Friend. I have to know and find me! So its only going to get better from this day forward! I want my boys to have things and always be taken care of, I am tired of struggling, and going without. My God is so much bigger than that! He has placed so many things inside of each individual that for someone to just sit and settle on nothing is a waste of what He created you for. I want to make Him proud and use what He gave me. Do you know how many people I can meet and reach and witness to in so many ways by doing this?? Just by showing love is the biggest one, I believe when people meet me for the first time they immediately know something is different about me so I can still use this as my "ministry". Nobody ever said it had to be in the church, my career can be my ministry. So I am going for this. With my all, because with God what can stand in my way? He is opening doors and I will walk through them!!!

I know this was SUPER longgggggggggggggg but I had to get it out :)

I'm still alive...

So I've been MIA from here for too long!! We had moved and had t had the wifi switched yet and then just trying to get things some what live able has been quite time consuming!! 

So I want to fill you in on my newest adventure!! I did it, I signed up for Special Event Cordinator classes and have had two of them so far! I love it!!! My teacher is super cute and only 25! She is so incredibly successful at her young age it's inspiring. Her company is BAO Events. She also is a mother which makes me believe I can do both! She's so full of information it's mind blowing. I love her! My momma is doing the classes with me in hopes to maybe start our own company or just see where this goes.. 

I have class twice a week for 3 hrs each night! It's what I've been looking for that's 'mine' makes me happy outside of being mommy and wife. This is just what I needed! I'm excited to see where this takes me, where God takes me with this! So until next time... Have a great weekend! Happy early St. Patricks day, we will be spending Saturday in Wilmington at the parade! Last year the St Patricks day parade was the very first the boys had gone to it also was the first time they got sunburn! So sunscreen this year:) I'm excited to get out and have a fun family day in NICE weather!!!!! 

A house!!!!

We finally have a HOUSE!!

No we did not buy, we signed a 12 month lease. I know I was so determined to buy but that is only because we were never able to rent a HOUSE and have an option to stay longer than a year. So I wanna brag on God for a moment and show you how this all went down...

Monday we were suppose to sign a 6 month lease to another apartment, a place that as ususal was going to be too small and setteling for the "mean time" whatever that was even meaning. Tuesday night we faxed the lease at church, only to get home and have the man tell me he only recieved two pages of it and needed all of them. My love faxed once again Wednesday night after church and since we did not hear anything we assumed it had gone thru. That brings us to Friday!! FRIDAY we were to transfer the deposit and get a key the next day. Around 3pm my girlfriend/realtor called and said she was going to look at a house that one of their realtor freinds had available to meet her over at it. We pulled up in front of a all brick house, with a carport, fenced in back yard and screened in back porch. It also is in the neighborhood we really wanted to have bought in, which happens to be three streets over from that same girlfriend :)

I naturally already told myself it was out of our price range but went in to look and talk to the lady anyways. Three bedrooms, two baths, separate dinning room and an actual mud/laundry room, the two MAIN things I wanted in a house if we were buying. First things first I asked her what she was asking so I didn't waste her time and her response "this is what I pay monthly to keep it running but what do you want to pay?" Did she really just ask me what I wanted to pay? Too good to be true right? Yea I was kinda thinking the same thing. The only things I could find to complain about would be cosmetic silly stuff like just needed paint and the counter tops were a little dated. Dumb stuff really. So she told me to go home talk to my husband and if we decided we wanted to take it call her Sunday to meet with her.

Her main concern was getting a family in there who would act as if it was there own. Stay as many years as they'd like with no increase in rent, and just take care of it. That is what I have wanted from the day we got married, I had said if we could ever find a house that we could stay in longer than a year and not have to pay more each year we would stay there, be stable. I finally had found the place!! Within minutes after walking out the door that day I knew this was it! Exactly where we were suppose to be. I hurried to call my love and ask if he had deposited that money yet into the other guys account and he said he hadn't made it to the bank yet so I told him not to. When we got to church that night the administrator came in to let us know the papers we faxed two nights before never went thru. What?! How crazy is that! So we were now not held to anything with the other man, which was the only 'problem' were going to encounter or so we we were thinking. God just took care of everything! We signed the lease two days later and moved in the 30th.... During the only ice storm we've had in the past few years I must add! 

I wanna thank my friends and family who helped us with the moving in the ICE storm! Thank you thank you thank you! Gods timing is always on time. It seems to me He does things quick when it actually starts rolling, the process might seem like eternity I'm the worst for feeling that way but really for us it has usually happened insanely quick when you really get down to it. I am growing in my faith, we both are it's definitely going to be a great year full of blessings I already know this! 

The boys LOVE our house and their room, they love running around the table in the dining room, they love looking out the sliding doors at Buddy. Speaking of Buddy he is one happy dog! He gets to roam around in the yard all day, dig, use the bathroom whenever and be a DOG!!! I'm so excited!!! I love our place and the landlord!! So so thankful!!