Merry Christmas!

We have just successfully made it threw our first family vacation.. to Disney World.. At their busiest time of the year. I have to admit it went really well, the drive down was obviously the first time the boys have ever been in a car seat for a long period of time. We left at 5 am so they slept roughly the whole trip, of course we stopped two or three times and fed them and let them out to play and walk around and stretch out. But they did great! 

Our night in Magic Kingdom went well too considering there were a million people In there. We went to Mickeys Very Merry Christmas Party so it was a separate event from your daily ticket, we rode Winnie the Pooh, it's a small world, tea cups and a few others. The boys just took everything in! They didn't know what to think or what was going on. They watched the parade Malachi got slightly scared every time a float came around with a character on it, he'd be sitting in my lap until he saw it and would climb up my chest and then turn back around to look at it. Elijah just say and watched every bit of it. They fell asleep right after until the fireworks which they've not really cared to much for yet. We never did get a picture with Mickey or any characters those lines were just to long for me. It definitely is every time we go the most magical place!! 

The other 5 days we just hung out at the resort swimming and walking around. We went shopping one night, downtown Orlando one day, downtown Disney a few times to eat. It was a nice step away from the every day that was consuming me. It was also nice for the boys to be taking care of in the mornings so we could sleep in some, I'd take them into her when they woke up and she'd feed them and play with them till they went down for a nap. I myself could have slept the whole week, literally the whole week. I mean maybe it was because the bed was heaven and not just because I have two babies. I don't know. I do know I am glad to be on the way home right now and see our buddy boy and out of Orlando traffic! 

I hope everyone had a great memory filled Christmas week I know we did and I couldn't be more thankful. 

What a BIG weekend!!

This weekend a few BIG milestones happened with our little ones! First we finally got new car seats, they are big and roomy but still very cushiony.(spell check didn't underline that word so I'm assuming it is spelt right and In fact a real word) New car seats means my babies are growing up.... Quickly. They are now pushing 23lbs and are turning into toddlers, walking, running, talking nonstop, they can now reach the tops of the counters!! What? Are you kidding me! I now have to remember to scoot stuff back away from the edge or else there's four little hands that will have it on the floor faster than it took me to put it down. Time needs to slow down some. They also got brand new strollers Saturday so they really racked up, they cost us about $500 in two days and that was just for transportation!! I do wanna say thank you to everyone who gave gift cards and money for their baby shower and birthday we were able to pay for the seats with that so it was most definitely a blessing! I am so grateful for everyone in our lives that loves us and the boys soo much! We sure do love y'all! 

The other MAJOR moment we got to experience was meeting and sitting on Santas lap for the first time!! Last year they were only a month old and too tiny to take out the house and expose to germs and the human race ahaha ☺️ So this year we got to and they did so great!! I was so incredibly excited and took in every moment of it, they didn't even cry they were just trying to figure out why they were sitting on a strangers lap and why mommy was clapping and acting weird. We went to Wyndham resort and our friend Marty was playing Santa there so it made me more comfortable and plus there wasn't really a line and so we weren't rushed!! I highly suggest that to parents of little ones!! I've Always been under the assumption you have to pay for your picture with Santa if you go to the mall or a big production place like that and here it was free and just Santa and a Christmas tree!! I couldn't have been happier!! 

We really had a great weekend, we ended the night by pushing the sectional together and creating a family bed and watched Christmas movies and let the boys fall asleep between us while we ate sugar cookies I baked and snuggled up close. I had all intentions of doing their Christmas pictures but it just never worked out so we will do them when we get back from vacation. I can't do it alone I have to have help so they don't fall and everything that goes along with that!! So yay for a great weekend! I know most of you have seen these pictures on Facebook and Instagram but I am going to share them again!! Merry Christmas y'all! 

These are not my attempt at Christmas pictures they were just watching the boys play with them for the first time :) 

Malachi kept 'moon' crawling (backwards) and we kept laughing then he'd come back to the lights and do it again.. Had to be there I guess 

#1 issue with having two babies

The dilemma I have pretty much daily with having two babies is getting out and taking care of errands. For example today I need to go close a bank account out at one bank and open a new one at another. I need to desperately go grocery shopping so my husband doesn't starve to death because everyone knows he might blow away if he doesn't get dinner tonight, I myself could stand to miss a few meals. I need to go get toiletries and such at another store and lastly I need to swing by and pay a bill!

But I can't do any of them by myself with the boys. Yea, you singleton moms are saying I have two kids and I do it! Well you don't have two at the same EXACT age either so you can't go any further with me and that argument!! I can't physically take them both into the banks with me and hold their hands while I sign things let alone getting them to walk in together without one pulling away and wanting to go checkout the tires on the car next to us. Haa and getting them out of their car seats is the first issue we come across... You have to kinda sit one in the floor board while your unbuckling the other and hope they don't crawl out or over to the other side and then figure out how you get the one off the floor and still hold the one you just unbuckled!! It's tough! It really is, sometimes I feel like I never ever get anything accomplished. So instead I just sit on the floor and play and figure one day in the near future somebody has to be off work and able to ride along! My poor mother is 99.9% of the time the one who keeps me sane with these things! If it wasn't for her we'd all be starved and ungroomed! 

I know this is just a tricky time because probably next year they might be able to understand when I say stand still and I might be a pro at it all!! But for now its a little crazy. So I am waiting on my momma as I write this to get done with her last client and ride with me! :) 

And by no means am I complaining, I just wanted you to kinda get an idea of what it's like to have to do something outside the house with two one year olds. See before I would just carry them in their carriers wherever I went yes both at a time (I got muscles now that people have to work hard for - mine are just still hidden under a layer of fat) but obviously they are too big for that now and we're about to switch to convertible car seats so I won't be able to tote them in anywhere.

Moms of twins may live longer, study says

Moms of twins may live longer, study says

A bit of excitement!

Yay!!! I finally figured out how to 'design/decorate' this blog of mine!!! Well sorta. Ha! I know I know I'm a little late in the game but for some reason it all clicked in my head today so I am excited!!

I am going to be looking for some different blog challenges to do to keep me on top of posting pretty frequently seeings how I tend to go a few weeks in between. However I do have a legit excuse its called Malachi and Elijah :) So heres to trying to commit to something!!!

No Thanksgiving food for these two...

Happy Thanksgiving!

Today everybody likes to talk about how thankful they are for everything in life but then you seldom hear anything else until this time next year. That is unfortunate. I however am honestly thankful everyday of my life and tell God thank you daily.

It's crazy to think this time last year I had just given birth to two precious baby boys weighing 5 pounds 6 ounces and 5 pounds 11 ounces! They were one week old and so tiny!! They were healthy and beautiful and I was a mental case who had the dreaded baby blues that had just set in days before. I was a crying mess with a heart pounding so fast at times I thought I was going to die. I was terrified that something horrific was going to happen to everyone close around me and experienced panic and anxiety attacks like I had never known before. I was still so traumatized from the delivery that I thought something was wrong with myself as well and unlike being stuck in the hospital surrounded by doctors 24/7 I was now at home and my mind set was if something's wrong there's no one here to help me. It was the scariest thing I had ever had to deal with. So I can now say I am so very thankful for a sound mind and no fear. For healthy loved ones and perfect baby boys.

They have grown so much that it's hard to even remember them being that tiny. But as you will see in the pictures I post with this they are healthy one year olds! I was excited to feed them some good food today but they have decided they wanted to shake their heads in refusal to everything I offered. So that was a bit of a bummer but they look super cute and have been good,busy, happy babies today and that is enough for me!!! So Happy Thanksgiving y'all!

Happy Birthday my babies!

My little bundles of joy are ONE today!

That is exciting and scary all at the same time. This past year has in some ways taken forever and in some ways flown by! I am just amazed at every phase they go through, how at one point they couldn't even roll over and yet now they are trying to run all over the house. How we would have to sit for an hour and try to get them to just take 1 ounce of formula and now they gulp down 7 in minutes. How I didn't think they would ever cut a tooth and now they have 8 and 6. I'm still waiting on them to get some hair and still praying it will be blonde and not red. Ha.

They are the sweetest babies you will ever come across, they rarely cry or are upset. Usually they are all smiles or fake coughs or even some very dramatic grunts, I couldn't have asked for better babies. It is the first thing everyone comments on. I am blessed beyond what I ever thought when it comes to children and being a mother.

Motherhood is a roller coaster if anyone tells you different they are lying. I say it all the time but there are so many things women don't like to admit or talk about after you go through the delivery. Theres ups and downs concerning yourself you go through and physical things that are kept quiet, the emotional times when you cant get it together and you think you may need a psych ward, the highs and lows but it all works itself out. Then before you know it you've gotten it together and cant remember what it was like before children. How boring life must have been. It changes you for the better.

I am thankful we haven't had any serious illness or problems with the boys and that Gods hand is always on them and they are covered by the blood of Jesus and He will keep them. I am thankful that even though I never would have imagined it would cost sooo much to have twins that He always provides even when I am still worrying over not having enough. He is always enough in every situation!

Happy Birthday Malachi & Elijah
Mommy Loves YOU!

WW: Week 1

I made it through week one!! Although its never 'HARD' its just having discipline. Well Monday I weighed in and I hadn't lost an ounce the scale still read 135. As you would know I was well furious because I had done so good and didn't understand why the numbers weren't budging.

BUT...

Then this morning I weighed (because I am one who weighs every morning) and the scale read 133.6!!! So I have lost 1.4 pounds!! Now I don't really know why my scale goes .2 .4 .6 .8 and then to the next pound. I thought there were .16 ounces in a pound so that is a little confusing but whatever it's a lower number than where I started!! I am excited and proud of myself I can and WILL do this, this time!!

House update!

Guess what?! 

     We have officially put in our very first offer on a house. We have been pre-approved for a loan although our max mortgage payment we would want limits us to anything under 120,000. That isn't awful these days thank God but it does put a little bit of a bind on things. The house we have put in a offer for is the first house I have not had to compromise on anything. It has everything on my check list!! Something inside of me knows this is the one. I know I have said that a hundred times but every other one I've said it about I've also compromised on something with them and then obviously something wouldn't work out. 

The only 'work' this house needs to be move in ready is paint on every wall and ceiling and the carpets need replaced. That we can handle, we have enough people who would help us out and get it taken care of. I would want to paint everything anyways so that is perfectly fine with me!! 

I am so excited! Oh and it feels so roomy. It's not one of those house where you have your 8 rooms and that's it, you have little hallways and things in this house. Storage is amazing. Kitchen so open and big! All bedrooms are big with great closets. Bathrooms check! Living room is the only thing that could be a tiny bit bigger but that just means it will be cozy and I love that word. The best two things about this house a formal dining room my number one request and a laundry/mud room no more washer and dryer in a closet thing!!! Agh. !!!! I can't wait to decorate! Oh and it's a corner lot that is huge with no neighbors directly beside of us!!!! 

I'm so thankful for Gods timing. As impatient and worrysum I am it is always perfect!! Thank you Lord you always have what's best for us!! 

Weight Watchers... for real this time! seriously.

I know it may seem at times that I'm this vain freak who says how much she loves her boys but then complains about the body they have left me with... well it is true. But you have to understand where I am coming from I have never been 'small' until the year before babies. I had got down to 120 and that for me was the smallest I have ever been and it was the best I have ever felt. Yes that was also the year we were separated and stress played a part I am sure but I also had all this free time to be active and I had the motivation to start the weight loss with Weight Watchers and it worked. Then I quit and kept losing weight and kept it off for a year till I got preggers. 

NOW.. its almost their first birthday and I still am carrying 5lbs of baby weight plus another 9-10lbs of thyroid mess up weight that got me two months before babies. So that means I have technically only lost 5lbs from giving birth. I was 162 the day I gave birth three days later when I came home I was 140 and now 12 months later I am still 135. I can maintain weight loss It's just getting it off to start with. So today for the 400th time I have decided to start WW again (on my own). My mom is starting again so we decided we still need to do weigh ins to keep each other held accountable, so monday mornings we will weigh in! I have to do this. I can't keep beating myself up and not doing anything about it. 

We have as of today 45 days until we leave for Disney World for Christmas, that broken down is 6 weeks! So if I can do 2lbs a week that will put me at 12lbs down when we leave for vacation which means I will then only have another 3lbs to really be where I want to be just in time for the new year! I can do this! I will do this! I will try to start doing an update every Monday so I can hold myself accountable that way to! Maybe I will even do a post on Instagram and Facebook. So heres to with Gods help and a lot of prayer to get back into my favorite size 2 AE jeans by Christmas!

this needs to be my Before picture! it was taken yesterday!

 

This is what I want to be back down to. Summer '11

Nothing is wasted. He works all things for our good!!

As I was driving today and listening to Elevations- Nothing is wasted I had this moment of realizing what this song is actually about. Usually we sing songs about God and 'know' what were singing but then sometimes it hits you how powerful and gracious God is. That is the kind of moment I had. The lyrics say 

'You are loving 

You are wise

There is nothing in my life you cannot revive

Nothing is wasted 

You work all things for good

Nothing is wasted 

Your promise remains 

Forever you reign ' 

Nothing is wasted. Do you get how crazy that is? Let me give it to you the way I saw it. The year we were separated I could look and sometimes looked at as wasted but it wasn't. Just like it says what the enemy meant for bad God turned to good. Well that was suppose to be a victory the enemy thought he had. Tearing apart something that was suppose to be. But then God worked it out and restored our marriage and that year of separation He turned to good for our benefit. It only helped us in the long run. How amazing is that. Now we have two beautiful baby boys who are going to do great things in the Kingdom of God.

The other way I saw it is with this family in our church. This boy had a severe drug addiction for what I understand as quite a few years. The enemy thought he had this guy, his brothers, his family defeated. But by the grace and mercy of God he is clean and now saved. Now he's being the witness and example, the influence on others. Including his brothers and family, there's one just checked into rehab, the same place He found Jesus. Not only his brother but his father came to The Lord last night. That, is working things for his good!! Those years of addiction and being lost are not wasted even though you would naturally think they were. Because of what he went thru and came out of God has used him to bring others to Him.

But it doesn't stop there now God can and will revive all the lost relationships and dreams that disappeared because of the addictions and being lost. Wow! right? Not just that but God will also give us back the years we think were wasted and the best is always yet to come. I don't know maybe you already grasped this concept but it was such a 'aha' moment for me. I knew all these things but I've never really thought them out like this. 

What you say you believe..

It seems to me so many young people these days are confused. They say they believe in one thing but do another. You cannot believe in Jesus and live for Him and believe in gay rights. But being a Christian means you still love the person but hate the sin. That does not mean you bully others who think they are gay etc. you pray for them and you try to witness to them. But if you never tell them about Jesus and act like their life along with other everyday sins we all do are okay then you aren't doing what God called for us to do. In return you will be judged for that in the end. You also do not want to be the reason someone didn't make it to heaven.. 

God puts people in your life for all different reasons. Some are there for you and others are there for you to speak into them. So how would you feel if when you get to heaven your friends that you loved soo much weren't there. Instead Jesus says to them ' depart from Me for I do not know you' and they go to hell. All because you wanted to be cool and not hurt any bodies feelings by not talking to them showing them about the truth when it comes to their sexualities.  I know its tough but if you care for your friends you will do your part. 

That doesn't mean you beat them with it or talk down to them. And once you've said what you needed to its no longer on your hands. They've now been told so what they choose to do at that point is up to them. Even if they never change at least you can have a clean conscious especially when you get to heaven. It's so important for us Jesus believers to stand out in the world. To be frank about it if your legit you don't even have to speak to stand out people should be able to tell by your presence and the way you carry yourself that your a Christian. If you have to try and tell me or convince me you are something odds are your not. 

I know nobody likes to talk about these things but we should. Just because we believe God created man and woman and called them Adam and Eve and made us in the image of Him which is pure and holy doesn't make us homophobic or hateful. It should make us loving and caring, kind and respectful, honorable and loyal. So take time and think about who maybe your suppose to be a witness to. Think about the people who you do not want to go to hell for eternity because its real and it's not a joke. It is torment and gnashing of teeth its burning for the rest of time. If you love your friends and family then it shouldn't be something you are afraid to bring up. Don't let there souls be In your hands. 

I hope I did this justice. It's just something that hits home because I see these middle school and high school kids even the ones who go to my church and my little step sister. There all over social media thinking they are being loving and cool because they want to put up equality for all. Then also put in the same sentence I believe in Jesus and I am a Christian. I know they mean good by being nice and 'supportive' but they don't quite get it. It's a much bigger and serious deal than they think. But you can't do that. It's actually dangerous territory your stomping in...

-- This post is not just about friends who say they are not straight, it's about friends who do not live in a way that lines up with Gods Word. Any sin. Anyone who is not saved who does not have a real relationship with Jesus. We are to be a light, not a stumbling block--

Birthday Boys... almost

It's that time....

Their first birthday is right around the corner! I have got to start getting everything ready for it or else like everything else this year it will creep up on me and I won't be ready. I know everybody says the first birthday is more for the parents than the child or in my case children and I can see how that is true now! I am so excited for more than the fact my babies are now a year old but we made it the first year! Still married haha still sane, still happy and stronger than I think we may have ever been.

I am wanting to do a sock monkey themed party, when I was stuck in the hospital we would walk to the gift shop to waste time and they always had sock monkeys in there but of course they were always ridiculously overpriced so we never did buy them. But I've loved the idea of the boys having a sock monkey to carry around and play with from day one. It's this idea of this is what 'stuffed animals' were back in the day and I still think they are just as neat now. So I been pining things on Pinterest left and right trying to get ideas and figure out how I wanna go about doing this. I know I just want one main table that the decorations are on and the cake and foods. The display table I guess is what it would be. I don't want to decorate anything else just keep it really simple and the focus on the birthday boys!!!! Teal, red and brown is the color scheme, I will post a few pictures of some ideas I have been finding and would like to recreate.

I am keeping it open to everyone who wants to come or stop by because theres something about twins that attracts people more so than usual. I also don't expect gifts I just want people to come and love on the boys and have a fun little time in sharing this huge milestone with us. I really would like to do this outside but I don't know if its going to be a cold November or a nice November so I will have a back up plan for sure. M&E will be doing their cake smash photo session on a different day than their party or then again maybe not! Maybe we will make that part of the fun and do it during! My best friend will be shooting that for us and my other good friend from church will be shooting the party in general I think as well. YAY!!!

Well heres a few ideas I going to take from..

this is the onsesies and hats I am buying off Etsy.

 Cake smash photo ideas..

 Definitely like this idea of a chalk board with all the info and current likes and cuteness

 another set up I was liking..

 The tables I like. That way there is one focal point and should be some what easy and affordable to do..

 I want a cake very similar to this! although on a smaller scale I don't need to feed 100 people!

 I LOVE LOVE LOVE the pictures on the wall!! If Sara and I can work it out to do those photos ahead of time for me to get them up like this I really want to!

So that's kinda where I am headed for their first birthday! So much fun! I love it!

what goes in comes out

I am listening to their daddy through the monitor lay in their crib and reading a book he brought home the other day. It is titled The True Measure Of A Man, or at least I think that is what it was called. It's a biblical book so I am quite pleased he is reading it and it just so happens our sons are benefiting from it to, yes even at 10 months old. I am a firm FIRM did I say firm? believer in what goes in comes out. My daddy has always told me that while growing up and now that I am older and now a mother it is so very true. I do not even listen to the old radio stations I use to before babies now because even though it is pretty much all bleeped out it doesn't change the message in the song. If we are out and about and people are using language I don't use we leave as soon as it starts. For instance today we went to the park minding our own business pushing the boys in the swings and the people at the tables started fighting and throwing F bombs and GD around as soon as it came out the teenagers mouth we picked the boys up and left.

If you don't believe what goes in comes out then look around and watch different people older children are a perfect example. I would be willing to say 9 out of 10 times the children that have the filthy mouth either got it from there parents because they hear it casually and frequently at home. Or they are able to watch tv, movies, Google and YouTube, listen to music they shouldn't be while there parents are to bothered with everything else. Obviously if you don't hear it or see it at home like myself growing up then your not going to act or sound like the rest of this world.

My boys are Called by God and I know this so therefore it is my job even more so than a normal mother to have wisdom when it comes to taking care of them. I don't mean for that to sound arrogant or like my babies are better than yours its not that at all. It's just God showed me while I was pregnant that they were going to be something great in His Kingdom. He gave me their names, and confirmed it all to me before they were born. So I feel like with that being said I tend to feel at times like there is a lot of pressure on me to always know what to do or to be super mom. Its tough I won't lie. But my daily prayer is asking God to give me wisdom, rest and strength. Some say I am 'overprotective' I honestly don't care because I know what I have been given.

...that may have been a little all over the place BUT haaa I got a few minutes to vent/express myself/let out some things and now in that short amount of time the boys are over the book and fussing. Time to go make bottles and give kisses so they can catch some zzz's. If only it were for a full 12 hours would be amazing.

One day...

Just a little rant.

Well the house I had mention is no longer in the running. So I will take that as obviously not being the ONE. Trying to keep telling myself in Gods timing...

Something completely off subject to that I realized today about myself. I left the boys with their daddy and went shopping for a friends baby shower tomorrow. While in Carter's and seeing all these babies and mothers everywhere and grandparents oohing and ahhing over how cute all the clothes were I noticed I was completely missing the boys. But not just because I'm so use to having them with me every minute but I found myself getting this cocky attitude (more in my head than actually towards anyone). I found myself thinking I have twins that's a bigger deal than your one. Also thinking my boys would look so much better in everything in that store and they were so much cuter than the other babies in general. I couldn't believe I was acting/thinking like that. I am actually a bit embarrassed to admit it but maybe its a twin mother thing that happens sometimes. I mean we did push out well some of us two human beings. Let alone the fact we made two human beings in general is pretty impressive even more so if naturally. I know it's not nice and I didn't like that it happened but I think its because I didn't have them and felt left out. Like I was just an aunt buying for my nephew or something. Silly right? So probably not many baby shopping trips without my little pumpkins :) 

Well M&E are fast asleep as I write and hopefully they stay that way at least till say 4am. However they both have double ear infections again right now so they have been a little crankier at night and squirmy. But I can still pray and ask!! 

Goodnight:) 

it's about to get real..

I think we have found the ONE. Whats the one? A place to call home that we will own! The house itself really is everything I want with the exception of a big backyard. But the boys wont really be able to play in the 'back yard' for another couple of years anyways so maybe we'll be ready to upgrade by then. There is enough of a yard for Buddy to hangout which is the main reason for it being on the checklist. 

Now all the confusing stuff is about to happen the paper work and numbers flying all over the place. It's kinda exciting though as long as I don't think about it to much. But here's our HUGE dilemma we are still in a lease for another 4 months so I am scared of closing quickly then still being tied up here.. Ahh! These people won't let you out for ANY reason. Rude right? Someone trying to better themselves and they wanna be haters. That's life. hehee :) 

So things are about to get REAL... 

Oh just one of those days.

It may have sounded like I had it together in my last post and was encouraging everybody else. That is not the case well not completely. I am trying to encourage others and be honest with my life. But let me say I am not in any way together. I am stressed out, emotional, I still like to blame it on hormones easily irritated and just beat down sometimes. It seems just when it looks or seems like things should work out finally and are going good you then realize 'oh wait, but now this...'. I know God likes to do things when all else fails so that way man cannot get credit or things and you know you have to thank Him. That is actually how I've asked for my life to be with every situation big or small. Usually the big things that way I know its the right thing and I am on track, the right track, His track not mine.

I am trying to keep my head up during the things we are going thru and dealing with I didn't lie about that in the last post but some days its really really hard. I never want to just give up, that's not the case at all it's just some days I wish I had a very bright very obvious sign that I am right where I need to be doing what I am suppose to be doing. Even when it looks the other way.

That day is oh every day lately..

God please show my some favor. Some direction. Give me some comfort and peace about life right now.

I'm in the mix.

I was reading through my journal I guess you call it (not my diary haa) the other night while laying in bed, attempting to ya know 'write'. I started to notice every time I would start feeling complacent or irritated with whatever my situation was whether it be work, relationships, etc.. I realized a few pages later I was then writing about how God did something great. Turned the situation around maybe not instantly but as you all know as far as my marriage went in the course of a year. When I was upset and complacent with where I was working He gave me another job opportunity. When I was just feeling like I was lost He sent someone to tell me I was right where I needed to be. When I got in a rut with my marriage He allowed me to take time apart and worked a miracle that I can only say was all Him. Then when one of my hearts desires were to have children by 25 without planning it He then gave me that also. God is always, always present.

Everybody knows my favorite person in the whole world is Bishop TD Jakes, well he preaches a lot on when God is silent is when it really shows the person you are. How He sometimes 'goes silent' to see how strong our faith is, if we can still handle things without hearing Him say do this or that. I've been able to see that all the times in the past I've gotten complacent with life or a certain area of it and start to stress out and get upset He's always in the midst of doing something new. Your IN THE MIX as Bishop Jakes just preached the other week. And that as confusing and frustrating it can be not knowing whats happening next is actually a pretty good place to be.

Lately, okay well the past six months or so I have been IN THE MIX. To be completely honest I am hardly ever content. That has always made me feel like i'm out of place or something is wrong with me. Don't get me wrong I am so thankful and happy with having my marriage back and now two beautiful baby boys but something on the inside of me is still searching for my purpose in this life. Searching for what God created me for, to do. I recently decided it wasn't paying for me to continue to work so I am now a full time stay at home mom. That to some women is what they have always waited for I on the other hand love working and being around people. But once my babies came into this ever changing world I knew that nobody was going to be their influence except for myself. So the job went out the window. Now we are dependent on one income which is the hardest thing we have ever had to do. I've never not been able to just buy something that I wanted until this year. Some days it seems as if we have pennies in the bank and don't know how to make it through the next day but God always provides. I try to remind myself whenever it gets like that, that He wouldn't have given us two babies to let us fall and let them go without. He will provide in some way.

I often try to rationalize it all in my head by telling myself 'its not like we keep having children when we know we cant afford to'  we thought we were having one baby like normal people and that we could have afforded. Then we ended up with two little babies and one income. Until the other night when I read my journal I just didn't understand why and how. But now I know we're just on the edge of another blessing. Its just been a testing of our faith. So I am actually quite excited to see what He is doing for us.

So even when it seems God has went silent and your fighting whatever it is all by yourself, your not just remember your in the mix. Don't give up. Build your faith.

September update....

I hate that I wanna write so bad but by the time I have a chance to do so is after the boys have gone to bed and then I'm exhausted and ready to just get in bed and do nothing. So that leaves no time for my blog or anything else I'd like to do. An update is wayyy overdue at this point, lets see if I can keep it short but get everything exciting but also honest in!

The boys are now 9 and a half months old!! Since 4 months hit it has just flown by, a little to fast for my liking. They are crawling all over the place, walking around all the furniture, they love pulling up and looking into the oven. Bath time is their favorite time or any sound of water and they practically jump out of your arms trying to get to it! Malachi is standing on his own more and more without holding on, no steps yet but it wont be long and I will be chasing two little blue eyed boys running from me. They eat sooooo much I don't know how we are going to be able to afford to feed these kids when they are teenagers! They just really started sitting in highchairs when we are out and they know its time to eat as soon as you put them in one. We actually ordered them their own meal for the first time last time we went out- a grilled cheese and they split it and ate the whole thing! Crazy. :)

We decided the whole no sleeping situation needed to be revised so we started a bedtime routine in July and it has actually made a difference. They still are waking up but not nearly as much (with the exception of some nights for teething, being out too late, sick etc..) usually one of them has been sleeping the whole night thru. I also have found even though the 7pm bedtime makes things a little chaotic the earlier they go to bed which is closer to 7:45-8 the better they sleep. So yay! to better sleep habits.

I've had my first official breakdown. I'm proud to say it took 9 months for it to happen. I guess some days it just gets more overwhelming than usual. Trying to put the car seat back together is what set it off but still all three of us ended up in our beds crying. Then T and my momma came to our rescues. It's hard for me to ask for help or to say its just too much because it's my job to be their mother and not complain or think its about myself anymore. But I've not had time to myself to just go do something since they've popped out. I don't make time fore myself at all. I know I need to for them, T and my sanity but its hard.

The time has finally arrived that I'm feeling like myself again, when I look in the mirror now I'm not always thinking 'ugh'. I am all but 3lbs from pre-pregnancy weight however I still have a good 9lbs to go once I ever get these 3 off to be back in my clothes from the two months before I got pregnant and my thyroid acted up. But I feel good, I bought some hair extensions to vamp up my self esteem. I also had said back in the spring I would get into the new trend of high waisted bottoms and crop tops and I officially have!! ha!! I've also been buying new makeup and good quality brands that I've never bought before and I love them!!

Almost done...

The most exciting part is the boys birthday is coming up in just 3 short months!! AGHHH! I have decided on a sock monkey theme and I can't wait to start buying stuff! I understand some people usually people with one baby don't really do a big deal for their childs first birthday BUT I want to celebrate big not just because I have TWO but because we're not having anymore so once its over its over! I will hopefully post some updates on how its all coming along and some details once I figure it all out!

Well I don't think that was too awful long :) Heres a few photos so you can see how BIG they are getting!!

and apparently some of them are not in order...

Sleep... I forgot what that was

I have this issue where I feel like I need to take in every single moment with the boys. So I don't miss anything that I can control. If I miss something while at work that's a different story. I guess I just never want to say 'I wish I would have paid more Attention or played with them instead of napping or cleaning house or being too tired.' I am so incredibly tired its not even explainable but that's just part of being a twin mommy. I mean their sleep is horrible at night these days and during the day I need to workout while they nap what little they do. Some say well have your husband watch them while you take a nap. That is a joke, I can't sleep if I know they are around, it feels wrong. If I hear them fuss or cry I feel like I have to be the one to get whatever it is taken care of. Not that he couldn't handle it but its just not the way I would or as quickly as I could have done. So there is no time for sleep. 

Although my body I think is starting to show signs of exhaustion. I have no appetite some days and then some days I feel as if I'm starving. My stomach gives me pains and cramps some days, I get headaches, and I try to catch myself and not be mean or moody. I know its not anyone's fault it's just this phase of 'twinhood' as I call it. I've never begged God for something so much before as I do rest. I don't ask for sleep anymore just rest. I know I'm capable of doing this and stronger than I know or else He wouldn't have given me these two bundles of goodness. I just never knew how much one takes sleep for granited till now... 

Some sunshine finally!

7 and a half months and I'm finally starting to feel good about myself again. I've been working out for the past 4 weeks and even tho I may not be down pounds every week I still feel better. My arms have more muscle than they've ever had before, I can actually do a good 10 push ups without shaking. That might not sound like much to some but to me its a big deal. I am now hoping to have a little muscle not just be thinner. I like the idea of looking a little strong. 

This may be a bit of information that's too much but its my blog so oh well but for the first time I have looked at my butt and not been upset about how 'not gorgeous' it is. That also is a huge deal to me. I'm pretty sure I can stick to this now it took some bridges to cross but I think I'm mentally there to stay now. It's so important to me to be as healthy as I can for my boys. I've got to be able to do without feeling down about myself, I don't want them to ever pick up on that. So I'm just really praying and trying to be the best wife and mother inside and out I can be!! 

My goal weight is 120. I am currently at 134 so I have a good bit to go but I think now with muscle I may not worry so much about the numbers and more on how I feel and look but I keep saying the numbers to keep me going. I'm aware that 120 pre pregnancy and 120 post are two totally different things so we shall see as I creep closer... :) 

Ps. I stopped taking the phen after 5 days I just didn't like what it was doing to me. I had lost two pounds on it and have kept it off so I am thankful just to have gotten past that 135 mark! But now its time to do it the healthy smart way.! 

Beautiful Postpartum Body..hopefully!!!

So today makes day three of my 30 day supply of phen, to help lose this baby weight. I'm such a scaredy cat that I won't take pills or anything gimmicky. I'm to terrified ill be the one who dies at home and no one know. But I started working out (again) and walking last week, and did good. I was incredibly sore so I must have done something my body wasn't use to. I'll even tell you what exactly I do so you'll believe me! 

I use the unopened gallon of water for the boys formula as a weight for my arms and do two different 'curls' I guess you call them, then I grab the bag of sugar because the gallon of water is a little tricky and you can't hold it right to do the other arm exercises. With the sugar I do three other arm curls! I don't know if anyone else feels this way BUT when doing squats I always feel as if my back is not right or I'm leaning forward to much or not actually squatting at all. So I do hold on to the counter for some so I can still be flat footed and back straight as I squat straight down. However yes it still hurts but I also feel like it puts some resistance in your arms so your working both. I then saw on Pinterest where you stand like your going to do a squat then bend over place your hands on the floor and squat while keeping your hands on the ground it seems awkward at first but I actually like those and yes you still feel them!! Next crunches regular ones and the ones where you rest your ankle on your knee and then bring the opposite elbow to the knee. (Both sides of course). If you are still laying flat and your knees up feet flat and put your knees together I think they call it knock kneed?? And ankles out touching your butt or as close as possible, you then come up like a crunch abs tight, head and neck facing up not forward you'll hurt yourself and shoulders off the ground you grab both ankles and go left to right reaching as far as you can to or past your ankle. This is something they do on my yoga DVD I use to do. I believe if done enough and correctly its a good choice for love handles which I have. Somewhere in between all that I do jumping jacks as my ' cardio' and for something every kid does easily or I remember it as being easy, it bout kills me now after 20. Embarrassing but honest. 

I try to do 100 of each thing, obviously not at one time I break it up into 10 or 20 per rep. And only leaving roughly 30-60seconds between reps. Oh I forgot I'm trying for real to go for a walk everyday with the babies (pushing roughly 70lbs extra) at least 30 minutes and I always feel like I'm turtle slow but can't possibly move my short legs any faster. But at least I'm out there. 

After getting into the right frame of mind again to stick with it and being tired of being extremely extremely insecure about myself (which is soo not me) I decided to call my Dr. He had told me at my PP appointment that in a few months if I was having trouble losing the weight he could give me something to help. So I called. 

Friday was my first pill and I was expecting my heart to race and feeling all hyper and shaky. Honestly my heart hasn't raced yet unless I'm working out or doing it myself, I don't feel jittery just like I have energy instead of wanting to go sleep every chance I get. They do suppress your appetite obviously but I know I have to eat to be healthy so I still do but I'm conscious of what I've been eating. Why still have the same eating habits and make your body all freaked out. Also I don't intend on gaining this weight back after I stop taking them. So it's my choice now to watch what I'm eating and drinking (water as much as possible). So I am super excited to finally and hopefully get back into my clothes and just feel good about myself. Once that happens it will be better for anyone and everyone around me :) 

Ps. I don't have a babysitter so the boys are either looking at me funny and laughing or they are napping. So it is possible, but the phen is going to be the main key because I don't have time or a way to go workout hard core for two hours at a gym or any of that. I don't drop my boys off with people to do those kinds of things. So here's to this continuing journey of life after babies. 

finally a NEW post!!

So it's been quite a while since I last blogged. I honestly have just been preoccupied the last couple months. We moved, the boys have been keeping me busy and then work. So I will sum things up in just a small post tonight. Malachi and Elijah are now 6 months old! They are rolling and scooting their way all over the place. Crawling has yet to happen as well as teeth to appear. Things are much easier now once we hit the 3 month mark. All of a sudden I looked down and they were now real infants. Full of smiles and giggles, learning to roll over and starting to sleep thru the nights. Our days were very much predictable, eat at this time, sleep at that time. Every other moment we were playing, dancing around and making new sounds. They gave up their pacifiers on their own one day, now they just suck their hands. I can live with that for now. We started solid foods, cereal was gross it only lasted maybe three or four try's. It seems pears are their favorites right now and sweet potatoes are a big hit!

Easter was a bright fun day, the boys wore onsies that said 'chicks dig me'. They were so handsome. II have also experienced my very first Mothers Day it couldn't have been any better. My love and the boys did a great job!! They painted a canvas with a very sweet poem complete with hand prints!

I have to say nothing could be better than being a mother. It's something you'll never understand till you've experienced it. It's such a crazy thing to know these two lives are depending on you for everything and its up to you to make sure they are taken care of the right way. I ask God often please make me the mother He would have me be for my boys. I want to be nothing less than the best for them. So here is a few pictures to show how time has flown..

three months( happy valentines day)

four months

five months

Home sweet Home

We finally found a place to call home for the next 12 months!! It's a two bedroom condo and I love it. I am so thankful and blessed. God always knows what we need and His timing is always right. I will be writing a post as soon as we get everything settled in place and cleaned up on all of our Pinterest projects my love and I did. It's been such a fun project and another thing that let us spend time together doing something besides just raising our little ones. So I will update soon!

Two Months!!

Malachi & Elijah are now two and a half months old! Time is definitely flying by. They are cooing and smiling so much now. They are sleeping so good now!! Which makes me very happy. For the most part they get up once a night, and that I think is only because they are going to sleep anywhere from 8-9:30pm and then are hungry around 3-4am. So starting three months we are going to start a nighttime routine, try and establish some consistency for them and us. I am also thinking about instead of starting the routine around 7 and putting them down at 8, to start at 8 bathe, feed, read, pray and then lay them down closer to ten. That way I'm hoping they sleep till 7am instead. That's what I would like anyways :)

Malachi started rocking on his stomach and rolling over from stomach to back last week!! Which was super exciting for us. Elijah isn't far behind, he just doesn't like tummy time as much as Malachi. He seems to fuss when put on his tummy. It seems they have issues with cradle cap, its on their faces as well as their heads. And of course it never looks as bad until we are out in public!!

They had their two month vaccines two weeks ago :( that was sad for me. I hated seeing them cry like that!! Makes you sick to your stomach. They were fine though after two minutes, until about four hours later they were both asleep when Malachi woke up and was screaming uncontrollably. Nothing could calm him down, and it seemed as if you even barely touched him he screamed out of pain. So after a frantic call to the pediatrician we gave them both Tylenol and they both went back to sleep and woke up like happy babies a few hours later. Oh my it was scary for me not knowing what to expect. I now know that can be very common, doesn't make you feel any better about it though.

Now on to the greatest thing in this post! God gave us a place to call home for at least the next year. We will be moving back into a condo/apartment this weekend yay!!! I can't wait to give the boys their own bright nursery. I can't wait to use my new dishes!! To set all my stuff up and have everything out accessible!! I have honestly lived out of clothes baskets for one month short of a year! Now tell me I'm high maintenance and spoiled! I dare you. I'm just ready to grow and become our own little family with our own things that we do as a family. Ya know?! So I am so so so very thankful and blessed. I have been 90% of the time patiently waiting on God to show us where we were suppose to go and He has so I know this is exactly where we are suppose to be!! Knowing that you know is such a good feeling. And God is soo good!! I am forever grateful for my momma and todd as well, for always taking us in and helping and being a blessing. For being a blessing to others and to us God will always bless you 10 fold. So I know he will bless them with their hearts desires And be good to them.

So to our new season we will continue to wait on God and thank Him for all He has done and is going to do. I also feel like He is going to provide a new vehicle for us soon. Because he knows its not a selfish want, not selfish desire but a need for these babies and for us. He gave us two babies He will provide and He'll give us what we need to take care of these two babies. The difference between wanting a new car out of selfishness and not depending on God is simple. My attitude is not I want this this and this and it has to be brand new. It's okay God I know you know what we need and I know your going to provide the perfect car for us. And when it happens it will be what I wanted because my hearts desires are lined up with what Gods desires for my life are. He will give us safe, affordable and nice. He wants his children to have nice things. So I am praying for that next step in getting settled as a family :)

9 weeks POSTPARTUM update

I'm still alive I promise.... its just that ugh twin motherhood takes quite a bit of your time up ;) But I'm back for the moment, the boys are laying beside me here on the bed sleeping!! Well Malachi is out and yes his tongue is stuck out between his lips ha. Elijah on the otherhand is semi unconscious well you know what I mean, look at him one second he's hardcore out, turn back around and look again he's throwing hands in the air groaning and sucking his paci as if he hasn't ate in days....then it gradually falls out as he slips back into his DEEP SLEEP!!!!! the one I beg for at least three hours everyday!!

So lets discuss ME! yes ME! why ME? umm.... because I want to! :)

I'm going to be very honest and open, 1. I feel thats the best way to be some times and 2. I don't want to sugar coat motherhood or any part of pregnancy-motherhood.

First up is my postpartum status update! Its now been exactly 9 weeks and two days since I pushed out two small beings. Mind and emotional wise I am doing lovely!! Prayer and lots of prayer helps and understanding what the 'baby blues' are is key. I rarely rarely have anxiety issues anymore thank God, I am no longer a crying mess. HALLELUJAH!!

lets just get to it.... the dreaded PHYSICAL part of this adventure... Dun Dunn Dunn... AGHHH!!

haha just kidding, well not really! lets talk weight -ugh- I am currently still 10lbs over my pre-pregnancy weight :( BOO! but  I am not going to lie I have not tried to lose it yet so it's not like I cant get it off. I complain about it as if it just wont come off. I know your probably thinking I'm being lazy well maybe your not thinking that because if you were YOU ARE DUMB! I have TWINS I CANT BE LAZY EVEN IF I WANTED TO!! to be honest because my delivery was so traumatic from pushing two babies out with the help of vacuum AND forceps and ripping to a 3rd degree like I've mentioned in prior post, it came with its on complications!
I never had an episiotomy which you think would have been a no brainer in my situation but I guess the STUDENTS working on me didn't know how or think to do it. Resulting in a STUDENT being told how to sew me back together as I lay there in agony feeling every suture, that left me looking like a two year old zigzagged me back together. Not only was I now zigzagged which meant I had gaps in between she didn't sew up far enough. I could see things you shouldn't see. As everybody told me to wait it heals up and it's not going to look like it did prior to birth I knew something was wrong. Well my OBGYN that I wished I got to deliver with confirmed my feelings at my PP checkup. His exact words trying to be nice were ''yeah, they could have done a much better job. There are gaps and this should be sewn together here". So we scheduled for a perineum revision surgery! That my friends happened 7 hours ago! I was terrified all I could think of was bleeding like I did the first time, I couldn't grasp that that came from my uterus not the stitches and all the pain, yet again came from the pushing of babies. I have had one Vicodin and don't feel loopy just content. I'm not in pain, I'm not bleeding like a wounded animal. It doesn't feel good obviously but I can handle this. So my lovely Dr. said I would love the way it looked now and I feel a little more pretty now. So in another 2-4 weeks I should relatively be healed up and back to normal.

THAT BRINGS US TO subject #2...
MY WEIGHT!!

I can then start to diet (Weight Watchers) and workout as well. That is why I haven't dieted yet. My stomach actually looks pretty good but of course I have a flabby belly still but its not bad in comparison to OTHERS. Now I can say that on here but in my head ITS GROSS!! anyways I said that to get to this,, I was scared to lose weight without being able to tone at the same time in fear of it getting flabbier!! So now my deadline has been pushed back to May versus April for getting back into a bikini! YES I WANT TO WEAR A BIKINI THIS SUMMER! yes I got stretch marks, and yes they are still fading, yes some people thinks its nasty to show them I say ____________________________ fill in the blank with anything mean haha. They will not define me, there not bad and they are a result of  TWO beautiful little boys that I gave life to so I will wear them proudly(AS LONG AS IM SKINNY THOUGH- otherwise EW!)
So yay ME~ I'm almost completely back to myself!!! I am happy, I am blessed beyond measure, I am loved, I love, I am so so thankful and grateful. I am well..... ME!

Another child born into this world out of selfish desire.

Is it wrong of me that Kim Kardashian announcing she's pregnant makes me so furious?! Being a new mom myself now and knowing what it takes to do so makes me mad that she's using this as another opportunity to make money. Being a mom is hard work and a full time job, not something you just do because it sounds good. Okay so you will get your millions and having another reality show for 9months then some magazine will pay you more millions to take photos of the baby... Then what? You have a full time nanny to raise your child unless there's more opportunities to show off at a event that your some great mother And know your child when you spend maybe 4-6 hours a day with them. This makes me so angry!!!

Let's milk it for all its worth. Lets tell all the magazines how hard it is being pregnant and how your this and that. Save it Kim, hopefully all the moms out there will boycott her finally and say we've had enough. Maybe then she will disappear back into society as a normal average person. Which is what she is to start with. I mean who can be happy about there celebrity status when it's only because you slept around And sold it that your even famous.

Ughhh!! Not to mention I wonder how Khloe feels? She did it right got married, Appears to have a great marriage and can't get pregnant for wherever the reasons may be. Knowing she would be a great mom I think and Lamar a great dAd.

I don't know maybe I'm being silly. I just know that being a mother is a commitment a big one. I got two to raise at the same time so one should be a breeze but its still hard work. It's not a rash decision to be made. It changes your body in ways you never thought possible, your thinking and emotions will never be the same either. It's not about YOU anymore it's about this bundle of joy or in my case two bundles that are helpless and need you to tend to there every need. It never stops. There's so much that nobody warns you about so for her to selfishly do this knowing they probably won't even be together much longer after that baby is born makes me ill. So here's to that poor baby, yes you will be handed everything that money can buy but the important life altering things that it can't buy you will probably never know.