I'm in the mix.

I was reading through my journal I guess you call it (not my diary haa) the other night while laying in bed, attempting to ya know 'write'. I started to notice every time I would start feeling complacent or irritated with whatever my situation was whether it be work, relationships, etc.. I realized a few pages later I was then writing about how God did something great. Turned the situation around maybe not instantly but as you all know as far as my marriage went in the course of a year. When I was upset and complacent with where I was working He gave me another job opportunity. When I was just feeling like I was lost He sent someone to tell me I was right where I needed to be. When I got in a rut with my marriage He allowed me to take time apart and worked a miracle that I can only say was all Him. Then when one of my hearts desires were to have children by 25 without planning it He then gave me that also. God is always, always present.

Everybody knows my favorite person in the whole world is Bishop TD Jakes, well he preaches a lot on when God is silent is when it really shows the person you are. How He sometimes 'goes silent' to see how strong our faith is, if we can still handle things without hearing Him say do this or that. I've been able to see that all the times in the past I've gotten complacent with life or a certain area of it and start to stress out and get upset He's always in the midst of doing something new. Your IN THE MIX as Bishop Jakes just preached the other week. And that as confusing and frustrating it can be not knowing whats happening next is actually a pretty good place to be.

Lately, okay well the past six months or so I have been IN THE MIX. To be completely honest I am hardly ever content. That has always made me feel like i'm out of place or something is wrong with me. Don't get me wrong I am so thankful and happy with having my marriage back and now two beautiful baby boys but something on the inside of me is still searching for my purpose in this life. Searching for what God created me for, to do. I recently decided it wasn't paying for me to continue to work so I am now a full time stay at home mom. That to some women is what they have always waited for I on the other hand love working and being around people. But once my babies came into this ever changing world I knew that nobody was going to be their influence except for myself. So the job went out the window. Now we are dependent on one income which is the hardest thing we have ever had to do. I've never not been able to just buy something that I wanted until this year. Some days it seems as if we have pennies in the bank and don't know how to make it through the next day but God always provides. I try to remind myself whenever it gets like that, that He wouldn't have given us two babies to let us fall and let them go without. He will provide in some way.

I often try to rationalize it all in my head by telling myself 'its not like we keep having children when we know we cant afford to'  we thought we were having one baby like normal people and that we could have afforded. Then we ended up with two little babies and one income. Until the other night when I read my journal I just didn't understand why and how. But now I know we're just on the edge of another blessing. Its just been a testing of our faith. So I am actually quite excited to see what He is doing for us.

So even when it seems God has went silent and your fighting whatever it is all by yourself, your not just remember your in the mix. Don't give up. Build your faith.