the road from my past and to my future is outside my door

This post is going to be challenging for me to get across what I want to you. I have trouble seeing things and being able to get you to see it how I am. Does that even make sense? Hopefully!! So hang in there and good luck :)

So in our neighborhood there are only four streets off the main road, okay technically three because the end ones just connect and make a loop. Pointless info right? well not really I want you to kinda envision if possible my neighborhood. Okay, so we live currently on the corner of the second one of these main streets, now if I walk out my door and stand in that road and look to my right to the end of the road I can see where we use to live.

Now that might seem like I just wasted your time, maybe I did, but your also thinking, okay so you like that neighborhood. Yes, your right and that's all I ever thought too, until one day recently I looked down the road at that apartment and had this mind blowing revelation. Actually I don't know if that is what it would be called but just listen... well read I mean,

I can stand outside my house and look back at my past, and little did I know then I was standing outside looking at my future.

In that apartment so many things have happened, if only the walls could talk. We were living there when I decided I didn't want to be married anymore and decided to leave. In that apartment he fell into the things of the world. In that apartment we changed, we were no longer the people we had been prior to living there. In that apartment we cried, I broke things, others took over things, some stole things. In that apartment more bad than good happened. But in that apartment we also made things (Chi & Eli), In that apartment our marriage was restored. In that apartment we realized we were meant to be. In that apartment we realized nothing could keep us apart. In that apartment we knew God had a plan much bigger than ours, that we could be one signature away from a divorce and it all be put back together in the blink of an eye.

I know that still doesn't do it justice because it's this crazy thing to me that every day I can look at how far God has brought me, and us. To see where I was and where I am. Who I was and who I am. I can see vividly the memories in my head of everything that happened in that place. I can feel what I felt then when I think about it. All those emotions. It's so amazing to me, I don't even think Travis gets it like I do. Maybe it's Gods way of showing me He really does work everything for my good. That what the enemy meant for evil He turned around and made it work on my behalf. Every time I look at that place I feel something. I see something. Man I really wish I could make you see it like I do. How incredible I think it is, I can never lose sight or forget. All I have to do in time of doubt, in time of need, in time of desperation, in time of loneliness is just step outside and look down the road. He is such a good God. I fail Him daily yet He still loves me, I miss the mark often yet He gives me another chance. I don't know maybe it only hits me the way it does because of what I've gone through but regardless of if you can visually see your past or not we all can see where He has brought us from. So take time after reading this to reflect on it, give Him some praise for it. He didn't have to help you but He did and He does. He is a loving God, a just God. I hope you feel like you didn't waste your time on this one, I just really wanted to share what I am going through and thinking as always.

Side note: Thank you for the ones who actually read my stuff and all the positive and encouraging (#klove hahaha) things you say about it and me. It really shocks me that people who I would think are the least interested in me read what I write. My reason for writing publicly is not to voice my opinion or talk about people without saying there name, its about being able to connect with someone and hoping something I say makes a difference in their life. I like to be honest and transparent in my writing because that's just who I am. I think that's what people are looking for these days too, is someone who is real. There is enough fake people, people who make it seem like they always have it altogether when in reality they don't. You don't help or inspire people when you do that. Also I know I'm horrible at grammar (Travis lets me know all about it) so I apologize in advance for that... So THANK YOU GUYS!!!!

Get it girl!!!

Work it girl!! 

Hahaha 

So yesterday I got to spend the afternoon with some of my favorite people the Cooke's! Absolutely love them! They are the realist, funniest, kindest people I know! We decided to do a fun New Year's Eve kind of theme photoshoot after church. One for fun and two so Katie could play around with her new camera she had gotten for Christmas. So everyone who actually knows me (not the ones who think they do) know that I HATE being center of attention. Like, let me curl up and hide. But I've done fun little photoshoots like this three times now that's it, but that's a lot for me haha. Each time it's still super awkward for me, I am not even close to model material and never have claimed to be. As awkward as it is each time it's still so much fun, it pushes me out of my comfort zone and that is always needed in life if you want to grow. The funniest part for me is thinking your looking like the top contestant in Americas next top model only to see the pictures later and laugh because you so weren't even close!! Your trying to 'smize' and really it just looks like your squinting or angry hahaha. Needless to say I will stick to my full time job as mommy not model!! 

I know that we are our own worst critics, I also know that apparently what I see is not what everyone else sees! However with that being said what I see in the mirror is NOT what the camera shows.. Ahh!! Yes, as soon as you try to talk about what you don't like about yourself people act like they have to tell you the opposite. As if your not allowed to just be honest and realize what needs some work. After seeing the pictures yesterday many of them were really great but many of them were like 'ok girl, it's time to get serious'. I am only getting older and it's going to be harder every year to get things right! I have no motivation is my problem! I see other skinny girls and for that moment I have motivation like we all do but once they are gone it's gone. Trav doesn't help because he of course thinks I'm beautiful no matter what Blah blah hahaha but isn't that what he's suppose to say?! Would I really want him to be like 'look babe, I think you need to lose some weight' ? No, absolutely not haha. It's a ever losing battle for him:) yes I've had twins, yes I look great considering that, but how long is that going to get me by, really?! That's not okay anymore. It was so easy when we were separated because I was stressed out, lived off crackers and peanut butter it seemed and worked out everyday because I was thrown back into that ocean of single hot girls surrounding me....at the beach on top of it all!! 

Ugh! I just need to change my thinking, they say it all starts in your head. They say you can think your way to something. I need to seriously buckle down and get on top of my health and body. Not just for vain reasons but to make sure I'm healthy and in shape for these so very active boys. I just thought it would all fall off after having them and in all honesty it really did, I'm at my pre pregnancy weight but that is still 10lbs more than where I was when we were apart. Don't laugh! Yes I'm only talking about losing 10lbs, oh you think that should be a piece of cake?! Well actually it's that piece of cake that keeps me from it!!! It's just a personal thing, nobody else can do it for me although it was much easier to drop it when I was trying to look good for someone new, go ahead and say it 'ain't that the truth'. Yes, yes it is the truth! I want to be the hot wife, the hot mom. I want Travis to be like 'wow! Yea! She's mine' and never ever feel like I've just let myself go because I am married and a mother.  So not because it's a new year but because umm summer is right around the corner and this year I refuse to not be in a bathing suit, I really truly want to work on myself. I just need to find the way that works for me. A lot of prayer and begging God to change my appetite and give me energy and the motivation to do this is what's on my agenda every day for now on! And if your reading this hold me accountable!!!!! Everyone needs to do something to better themselves but if all we ever do is say your fine just like you are then we never change. So umm here's to changing how I think about myself! To getting healthy! Not just for me but for others around me! Thanks for your encouragement in advance :)