Thank You.

Today will be a thankful post! 

Ten things that I am thankful for:

1. My salvation and Grace. I mess up every single day, some worst than others. I often feel unworthy like I'm never enough but He loves me in spite of all my wrongs. He gives me another chance every day that I wake up.  

2. My Mother. I've never wanted to please anyone as much as I do her. She is my very best friend. She also loves me even at my lowest times. I've always been aware of how amazing she is, even when we don't agree on things. I could not live without her. I would be at a complete loss. I laugh more with my momma than anyone else, I'd rather spend my days with her than with others. I never want to miss an opportunity to say I love you or spend my time with her. 

3. My Husband. Ya know we have nothing in common, were six years apart in age and we rarely see things the same way. I have absolutely no idea how or why we work but we do. I tried to run away and each day got harder instead of easier. So I found my way back. Everyday is similar yet different and I've learned that how I view our marriage and him is how it will be. I've learned to look for the good and not focus on the bad. I have no idea how he puts up with me but I am glad he does. He's gentle, laid back, easy going, incredibly intelligent, talented at almost anything he touches, loves Jesus with his whole heart. What you see is very much what you get with him. He's a great daddy and loves the boys indefinitely. I can't tell you what holds us together but whatever it is I'm glad. I still have my struggles but marriage is a full time job, if it were easy people wouldn't be divorced every day. 

4. My Boys. I have the sweetest, smartest, funniest, handsomest baby boys! Of course I'm bias!! They challenge me every single day, they make me crazy every single day, they make me ask God why did He think I could handle this. They also make me laugh like no other, I just sit back and watch them and at those times think why was I lucky enough to be given this gift. They've shown me my weaknesses and my strengths. I try to do the very best I can with raising them to be the Godly men they need to be. 

5. My Church. I am one of the few people left in our church who have been there over 15 years. That is my home. My safe place. I thoroughly enjoy going to church. For Jesus, friends, family. I don't consider it a burden or something that takes up all my time. I have one of the greatest Pastors and his wife, the leadership in our church is some of the absolute best. It's a blessing to have my children be raised there and know they will want to go even when they are out from under me. 

6. My friends. I've gone through some friends over the years. To be honest there is only a handful I can say have been constant. I've learned many things about trust, loyalty, love through all of these relationships. I now choose friends that are wanting the same things out of life as I am. I surround myself with positive people and have let go of the ones who are negative. I've also let go of the ones who talk about everyone and tell my business as well. I do believe everyone is for a reason and some only a season. To my current people who I speak to more than twice a week, know that you are soooooo very special to me. I truly mean it!! Thank you for loving me for me, flaws and all. For putting up with my forgetfulness and the craziness my life is having two two year olds. 

7. My Job(s). Event planning isn't exactly what I want to do or what I was created to do but it's getting me into the places I need to be to do what I want. Which ultimately I think is Event Design. To be able to walk into a space and see what it can be, not what it is. ( much like I do with people who everyone else has given up on) It's fulfilling for me to see a vision and bring it to life. Hair, I still do on the side some and it still gives me that creative outlet when nothing else is. Maybe one day I will go back into the salon for a day or two a week and have fun with it, we shall see! I have other things I would like to get my hands into as well so I'm excited to see the doors that will all be opening for me. 

8. My House. So most of you, well some of you probably read my blog last year I wrote about our house. It was and still is such a blessing and answer to my prayers. We are renting, I don't intend to buy this house, for the mean time though until that day comes I couldn't be happier. The lady who owns the house hands down greatest lady we've ever dealt with. It's a actual brick home, we have a fenced yard for Buddy, perfect neighborhood and we can stay as long as we like! NO MORE MOVING!!!! No more apartments, condos, tiny little places. We now have a stable environment for our boys to grow! 

9. Bishop TD Jakes. Yall know by now that he is my second pastor. I watch and listen to every single Sunday service multiple times during the week. He has shown me things I didn't know, explained stories and people I just couldn't ever understand. So many huge life moments his words had a part in making for the better. He is who God uses to really speak to me. I honestly don't know where I would be if I didn't start listening to him in January of 2012. He makes the Bible relate to my current circumstance. He makes me see how the person he may be talking about had a similar issue that I might be dealing with. He's amazing to me. 

10. All the things and people who didn't work out. For every person who wronged me, has spoken negative about me, created lies about me. For the guys who I thought I loved, the friends I thought were real, the family I thought I could count on. If nothing else I learned what I didn't need or want from each of them. They pushed me into the person I am now, to the place I am now, that I am thankful for. They made me wiser and stronger. It may have hurt at the time but it only made me a little bit tougher to deal with the next one. I had a Word spoken over me two years ago. The man said that God has given me a backbone made of steel and that people are going to talk, but He will uphold me. So it's no surprise when I hear something that someone thinks or has come up. You know when your doing something right/great by how many people are coming against you. I've definitely learned You can't appreciate good till you've had bad. 

These are just the major things, I'm that person that literally thanks God for my toothbrush and toothpaste. For the bobby pins to hold my hair up and my weave when I want it longer. Every single thing big or small I am thankful for. Oh and He knows how thankful I am for makeup, the color on my lips, the shadow on my eyes, the polish on my nails. He is a good God whether I have anything or not. I will still praise Him. 

What are you thankful for today? 

Limited Compassion??

I've asked God today why He gave me the heart He did. I'm still waiting for an answer, Because there seems to be at times throughout my life when it has not made sense to others. I feel as though I'm pretty compassionate towards others. I really always have been. Including with Travis, he's had quite a few times of needing saving and not just Jesus. I've been there, I've been that person for him. He will tell you the same if you can get him to be serious and open up. He's even had Words spoken over him that if it wasn't for me at those moments in his life he could have easily died. That's what the Devil is always trying to do to us, take us out. 

Yes ultimately Travis ended up being my husband but before that he was just my friend, a friend who I wanted to see for himself what I saw in him. I've always been the girl who had more guy friends than girls. No it's not because they thought I was pretty. I havent always looked like I do now. But because I was real, honest, wasn't trying to always be something I wasn't. I was no drama. I also have more male cousins than females so I've always been surrounded by the opposite sex. Many of whom have had or are currently addicted to something. 

I don't know addiction personally, but I know how it affects my family. The ones closes to you hurt the worse. I also know how easy it is to want to just give up hope for the one addicted. I've struggled with that my whole life. I have always been the one who hasn't tried anything, no cigarettes, nothing. Alcohol a few times but I just don't like the taste at all so it's not for me. It's really hard for me to try and understand why people do it, why does it not scare them, why when you know the pain it causes to the ones you love. No one can ever answer that for me. What makes you try it the first time? Because everyone else is doing it? That's stupid. Peer pressure has never been a problem for me. So that's a horrible excuse to tell me. If you just wanted to because you like the way it makes you feel then just say that. Until your honest and take responsibility there's no hope for getting away from it. 

My whole teenage and older life has been filled with getting invested in people who I cared about and being let down when it came to this struggle. So naturally I had gotten to the point where I had hardened my heart towards people who abused drugs. I had no sympathy or concern for them, because it's never shown to make a difference when I would. If anything I was the one left getting hurt by friends. So I literally would be the first to just walk away and say oh well, you got yourself in this mess, now get yourself out. Knowing it would never happen. I didn't want to hear any excuses, I never believed them when they would say I want to change, I'm going to change. To me until I saw the change and it last longer than a year it was a waste of mine and your time. But then Brunswick Christian Recovery Center started coming to our church. 

They would give their testimonies and some you could tell we're just going through the motions to escape whatever it was they could by coming there, but others were real, raw and honest. You could sense it, the pain, the struggle, the hurt that ultimately pushed them into the wrong direction. That's when I noticed I started to feel different toward them. When I realized that by the grace of God I wasn't dealt the hand they were, having to figure out how to cope when your mother has died at a young age. When your parents are strung out your whole childhood, when you've been abused in all ways. I started to feel that compassion come back. I started seeing BCRC and others in a different light. Knowing that anyone could fall into their shoes and not seeing myself better than them. Now I just want to be that positive voice in their ear not another condemning one or negative one. They've got plenty of those. Because I am on the outside I can be honest and not sugar coat things. Because I am married it's not like I'm just saying these things to be cute. I'm off limits in that sense so I hope it comes thru that I genuinely care and just wish they could see what we all see.

But then you have this problem where your told to be compassionate but don't be too compassionate. How is that even possible, either you are or you aren't. You can't set limits on it. So my question to God today was why? If everyone has a negative thing to say about my heart towards others because they happen to be the opposite sex then why God did you make me this way. Apparently in everyone else's mind I shouldn't care. If it's not Travis I shouldn't care. Travis can care but I can't. So I've been pretty discouraged lately with this. Travis and I have had this conversation multiple times now and he is with me on this. Because he knows the times he needed me, he's knows I was that tough love. I'm just trying to help people, make them feel like they are still someone worth being around when others have given up. Obviously I've been given this heart for a reason so I am sorry if you have an opinion about It or my actions. God knows the heart he gave me and my intentions in life. So now if you don't mind, I'm going to continue being me.