Oh love.

I am such a hopeless romantic. I believe in happily ever after. I believe in kissing in the rain. I believe in someone pursuing you. I believe in having your door opened and kisses on the forehead. I believe in candle light and love songs. Movies with Channing Tatum and his pursuit to make the girl know she is the One. I believe in moments you don't want to end, that you replay over and over in your head. I believe in being told often for the rest of your life how someone feels about you. What you mean to them and what you make them feel. I believe in dancing under the stars to no music. I believe in moon lit walks on the beach. I believe in love.

But is that really what love is? I'm not talking about love in a spiritual way, just in the natural. If we didn't see Hollywood's version of love would we still think that was part of the definition of love? If we didn't see the movies would we be more content in what we have and not constantly look for that kiss in the rain moment? Would we not be so disappointed when those things we think are love don't happen. When the butterflies stop would we still stick it out and make it work even though we're made to think if they leave then love has left. What if he doesn't communicate his feelings like you think he should, when he never dances with you or sweeps you off your feet like you thought you needed.

How bout on the flip side of that lets say they do all those things you want or think you need in the beginning. Two years later and you've hit that bitter sweet comfort zone, What happens now? Actually why?!!! Why does it have to stop! Why would someone be one way and then change and forget they ever did those things, I've never understood why it happens. You didn't fall for the person they weren't, you fell for the person they were, So if they stop all those things that you fell for in the beginning then what happens? It makes no sense to me, never has, never will. I know we all change, trust me if anyone gets that, its me. But you don't have to turn into someone completely new and expect the other person to just be okay and go with it. More than likely you wouldn't have fallen for that person if they acted then like they do now. I don't know where I am trying to go with this haha I just felt like bringing it up. Ladies don't act like you don't know what I am talking about.

My conclusion to all of this is, love cannot be defined. It is different for every single person. What works for one, might not work for the next. That whole first paragraph doesn't even happen in my life. I wish it did, if were being honest and he knows that hahahaha trust me ahaha. He loves me regardless and I learned that love isn't all those things, love is what is left after the butterflies are gone. I had to learn that the hard way. When I decided I didn't want to be married anymore it's because none of those things happened in that first paragraph. I thought that all those things were suppose to happen all the time for the rest of my life (And yes with some very very rare lucky people it does). It took 14 months for me to realize that what made me love him were not superficial things, but the little things that I looked over because they never seemed important or substantial. The things that never made my tummy flutter or my heart race.

Things like being a hard working man that doesn't complain about going to work everyday and on time! Taking the trash out (silly! but when you've dated someone who thought it wasn't his job to do so you realize quickly the difference between a man and a boy), being a great father (I never had any doubts), standing up for me, loving Jesus, who has such a gentle laid back approach to life. There are so many things that I overlooked because I just wanted those magical moments all the time. Yes, I'd still like to have them from time to time but if they don't ever happen I know it's not the end. I'm still going to be right here. I also know that anyone can give me those magical moments but not everyone can give me everything else he does. I learned so much during that time and I am so grateful for every second of it.

Now wait a second, I do need to say that all those heart racing moments are still important!! You have to keep things fun and interesting. You should always keep falling for each other, You should want to make your love feel those butterflies and get their heart racing! If you don't someone else will, best believe that!! Nobody wants a stagnant boring relationship. I think that is rude on the other ones end, you should always want to make them feel special and take time to do something for them even if you think its stupid. It takes two to keep it going. If your not making any deposits and only withdrawing then eventually you will be bankrupt!! That applies in every aspect of your life!! Not just a love relationship. Let me stop while I am ahead because that's actually a whole other blog!

Well, thanks to the Ed Sheeran station on Pandora for getting my writing juices flowing! Oh, so I have to point out something that bothers a lot of people I know.... I have trouble staying in whatever 'person' I start writing in. I apologize hahahaha I forget and mix it all up and then get lost. I will be the first to admit I am horrible at grammar. You should know this by now tho :)

Does God talk to you?

Have you ever wondered how some people can have actual conversations with God? No, is it just me? I don't discredit it or think anyone is lying when they say such things, I just want to know how can I have that happen. How come I can't talk with God like that?! Or maybe I should say how come God can't talk like that with me. 

I try to get quiet and still. I try to free my mind of everything, which I don't know about you but it's extremely hard to do. I try to just think on the Lord when hoping to hear from Him. Some people make it sound like they can just have this back and forth conversation like you and I would have, but with God. I have trouble hearing Him the initial time to ever get to the second and third time that a conversation would entail. I'm pretty positive it's me, not His fault. Who blames God for anything right?! 

How do I know the thoughts or 'response' I think I hear or comes through my thought path is Him and not just me thinking that's what He might say. I question things too much for this tedious stuff. I'm that person who ask God a question and then the next thought I think of I always just write it off as me.  I guess it would be easy to distinguish if He would speak in an audible voice but most people never hear that. Let's be honest that would freak me out at first. But how cool to get use to that?!! At least I wouldn't have to spend an hour wondering if that thought I had was Him speaking to me. 

So what makes the people who supposedly hear Him talk to them different from me? Especially people like Jesse Duplantis who I love to listen to, he always is so comical and makes God sound comical. I talk to God daily, throughout the day, usually the entire time I'm driving. So it's not like I don't take time to talk to Him. I turn the radio off and then get quiet and try to just listen incase He is trying to say something but I just never hear anything. One of my 'spiritual' goals this year is to work on this! To figure out how God speaks to me besides through Bishop Jakes and my Pastor. I want to hear from Him direct daily, to be able and ask questions and get replies. To make sure He's pleased with me, to have Him tell me if I'm doing this thing called life right! 

So if some miracle or breakthrough happens I will update you and let you know. If you have any advice feel free to give it :) As always I hope you enjoyed and could relate in some way. But the struggle is real yall!!! Hahaha 

The things I think about...

As I was driving the other day I was thinking about a lot, these are just a few random things that made the most sense to share.. I hope you get something out of it... even if it's just a little laugh because you thought I was funny. Hopefully your not annoyed at the end or feel like that was pointless! (eek)

enjoy..

I've come to realize that when someone has something ugly or negative to say about someone else it's usually just a reflection of what's going on in their own life. I say that on a personal level because I know that any time I've ever had something negative to say about someone else it's usually because I was insecure or upset about something that was or wasn't happening in my own life. I try not to let things that would hurt someone come out of my mouth these days, I don't want to be that person. Also I've noticed that if you have problems with a lot of different people it's probably not the 'other' people who are the problem, its more than likely you.

So.. 

I've always had a compassionate heart toward others. My mother always taught me to befriend everyone including the kids that others would be mean to. I've never been one who's had a stereotype, I've never 'fit' in with just one group of people. I can get along with about anyone, all these positive qualities that I have been taught to be and do, but no one taught me how to not get too invested. No one taught me that in order to love all you will probably get hurt by all. That even if I can see the potential in someone, that doesn't always mean they can. The hardest thing for me to grasp is that not everyone can stay away from the things in this life that become addictions. I've never had a problem with peer pressure so I don't understand why its so hard for others to just not do something regardless of who else is doing it. I don't know why when you have so many people who genuinely care about you and are rooting for you why you fall back into that lifestyle. I know it's not that easy for everyone, I get that, I am just saying I struggle with finding that in between area. That middle where you can care but not get attached, I am an all or nothing type of person. Always have been, always will be. 

lets talk about it..

Valentines Day is around the corner already. I use to be that person obsessed with it but after never having that magical night I've officially given up!!!! I'm not going to lie it still upsets me every year that I can't have that romantic scene out of a movie but I try to tell myself that stuff isn't real and doesn't exists. I actually think it is better to be single on that day, you have no expectations and can't be disappointed!!!!! No, I'm not bashing Trav, I am just being a girl. A girl who wants a night she wont ever forget. A girl who wants rose petals on the beach with a blanket that has chocolates and those flameless candles because we all know candles wont stay lit on the beach. I want a full moon and hot chocolate (with milk hahaha not water!) A little romance, some Ed Sheeran on the playlist followed by some old school Barry White. Some conversation and counting stars, making wishes. THATS ALMOST ALL FREE!!!! It doesn't get much easier than that! No reservations, no dressing up, no waiting, no crowds. Okay so I think I am done rambling now.. 

Actually now I am going to go watch the movie Valentines Day if it's on Netflix! I am such a sucker for romance. If only, if only.......

Ohh!! Guys if you need some help I CAN CREATE A NIGHT WORTH REMEMBERING FOR A PRICE!! I got you! Call me! 

Oh my goodness I just read over that and that is NOT what I meant, I mean for your girl...... remember I am an EVENT PLANNER.. I'm obviously not what that sounded like. How embarrassing. I'm gunna go on that note! 

the road from my past and to my future is outside my door

This post is going to be challenging for me to get across what I want to you. I have trouble seeing things and being able to get you to see it how I am. Does that even make sense? Hopefully!! So hang in there and good luck :)

So in our neighborhood there are only four streets off the main road, okay technically three because the end ones just connect and make a loop. Pointless info right? well not really I want you to kinda envision if possible my neighborhood. Okay, so we live currently on the corner of the second one of these main streets, now if I walk out my door and stand in that road and look to my right to the end of the road I can see where we use to live.

Now that might seem like I just wasted your time, maybe I did, but your also thinking, okay so you like that neighborhood. Yes, your right and that's all I ever thought too, until one day recently I looked down the road at that apartment and had this mind blowing revelation. Actually I don't know if that is what it would be called but just listen... well read I mean,

I can stand outside my house and look back at my past, and little did I know then I was standing outside looking at my future.

In that apartment so many things have happened, if only the walls could talk. We were living there when I decided I didn't want to be married anymore and decided to leave. In that apartment he fell into the things of the world. In that apartment we changed, we were no longer the people we had been prior to living there. In that apartment we cried, I broke things, others took over things, some stole things. In that apartment more bad than good happened. But in that apartment we also made things (Chi & Eli), In that apartment our marriage was restored. In that apartment we realized we were meant to be. In that apartment we realized nothing could keep us apart. In that apartment we knew God had a plan much bigger than ours, that we could be one signature away from a divorce and it all be put back together in the blink of an eye.

I know that still doesn't do it justice because it's this crazy thing to me that every day I can look at how far God has brought me, and us. To see where I was and where I am. Who I was and who I am. I can see vividly the memories in my head of everything that happened in that place. I can feel what I felt then when I think about it. All those emotions. It's so amazing to me, I don't even think Travis gets it like I do. Maybe it's Gods way of showing me He really does work everything for my good. That what the enemy meant for evil He turned around and made it work on my behalf. Every time I look at that place I feel something. I see something. Man I really wish I could make you see it like I do. How incredible I think it is, I can never lose sight or forget. All I have to do in time of doubt, in time of need, in time of desperation, in time of loneliness is just step outside and look down the road. He is such a good God. I fail Him daily yet He still loves me, I miss the mark often yet He gives me another chance. I don't know maybe it only hits me the way it does because of what I've gone through but regardless of if you can visually see your past or not we all can see where He has brought us from. So take time after reading this to reflect on it, give Him some praise for it. He didn't have to help you but He did and He does. He is a loving God, a just God. I hope you feel like you didn't waste your time on this one, I just really wanted to share what I am going through and thinking as always.

Side note: Thank you for the ones who actually read my stuff and all the positive and encouraging (#klove hahaha) things you say about it and me. It really shocks me that people who I would think are the least interested in me read what I write. My reason for writing publicly is not to voice my opinion or talk about people without saying there name, its about being able to connect with someone and hoping something I say makes a difference in their life. I like to be honest and transparent in my writing because that's just who I am. I think that's what people are looking for these days too, is someone who is real. There is enough fake people, people who make it seem like they always have it altogether when in reality they don't. You don't help or inspire people when you do that. Also I know I'm horrible at grammar (Travis lets me know all about it) so I apologize in advance for that... So THANK YOU GUYS!!!!

Get it girl!!!

Work it girl!! 

Hahaha 

So yesterday I got to spend the afternoon with some of my favorite people the Cooke's! Absolutely love them! They are the realist, funniest, kindest people I know! We decided to do a fun New Year's Eve kind of theme photoshoot after church. One for fun and two so Katie could play around with her new camera she had gotten for Christmas. So everyone who actually knows me (not the ones who think they do) know that I HATE being center of attention. Like, let me curl up and hide. But I've done fun little photoshoots like this three times now that's it, but that's a lot for me haha. Each time it's still super awkward for me, I am not even close to model material and never have claimed to be. As awkward as it is each time it's still so much fun, it pushes me out of my comfort zone and that is always needed in life if you want to grow. The funniest part for me is thinking your looking like the top contestant in Americas next top model only to see the pictures later and laugh because you so weren't even close!! Your trying to 'smize' and really it just looks like your squinting or angry hahaha. Needless to say I will stick to my full time job as mommy not model!! 

I know that we are our own worst critics, I also know that apparently what I see is not what everyone else sees! However with that being said what I see in the mirror is NOT what the camera shows.. Ahh!! Yes, as soon as you try to talk about what you don't like about yourself people act like they have to tell you the opposite. As if your not allowed to just be honest and realize what needs some work. After seeing the pictures yesterday many of them were really great but many of them were like 'ok girl, it's time to get serious'. I am only getting older and it's going to be harder every year to get things right! I have no motivation is my problem! I see other skinny girls and for that moment I have motivation like we all do but once they are gone it's gone. Trav doesn't help because he of course thinks I'm beautiful no matter what Blah blah hahaha but isn't that what he's suppose to say?! Would I really want him to be like 'look babe, I think you need to lose some weight' ? No, absolutely not haha. It's a ever losing battle for him:) yes I've had twins, yes I look great considering that, but how long is that going to get me by, really?! That's not okay anymore. It was so easy when we were separated because I was stressed out, lived off crackers and peanut butter it seemed and worked out everyday because I was thrown back into that ocean of single hot girls surrounding me....at the beach on top of it all!! 

Ugh! I just need to change my thinking, they say it all starts in your head. They say you can think your way to something. I need to seriously buckle down and get on top of my health and body. Not just for vain reasons but to make sure I'm healthy and in shape for these so very active boys. I just thought it would all fall off after having them and in all honesty it really did, I'm at my pre pregnancy weight but that is still 10lbs more than where I was when we were apart. Don't laugh! Yes I'm only talking about losing 10lbs, oh you think that should be a piece of cake?! Well actually it's that piece of cake that keeps me from it!!! It's just a personal thing, nobody else can do it for me although it was much easier to drop it when I was trying to look good for someone new, go ahead and say it 'ain't that the truth'. Yes, yes it is the truth! I want to be the hot wife, the hot mom. I want Travis to be like 'wow! Yea! She's mine' and never ever feel like I've just let myself go because I am married and a mother.  So not because it's a new year but because umm summer is right around the corner and this year I refuse to not be in a bathing suit, I really truly want to work on myself. I just need to find the way that works for me. A lot of prayer and begging God to change my appetite and give me energy and the motivation to do this is what's on my agenda every day for now on! And if your reading this hold me accountable!!!!! Everyone needs to do something to better themselves but if all we ever do is say your fine just like you are then we never change. So umm here's to changing how I think about myself! To getting healthy! Not just for me but for others around me! Thanks for your encouragement in advance :)