looking back at 2011...

Haha, just ran across my other blog I use to have while we were separated and found this lovely post! I say that jokingly! Wow. to look back and see where I use to be... before children and separated. makes me laugh but also makes me see how much I've grown and how God has moved in my life. 


It's a new year, you know what that means new resolutions for the next 365 days. I've never really made resolutions before so I think now at 24 is the time to start :) Some may be silly, some may be extreme and the rest normal so here's to keeping them.. Cheers!!

- to have whiter teeth (still a resolution 3 yrs later)

-to clean my car inside & out once a week (this too! esp with Kids)

-to learn from the past & sincerely move on (little did I know..)

-to get together with friends at least once a week (HA!)

-to Pray more (check)

-to increase my income (or have kids and no income)

-to pay my car off (that I did only to find out I would need a new one!)

-to be 115lbs. period. (how I wish! thanks BOYS!)

-to exercise at least 3 times a week (still need to do this to get that up there)

-to try new things often (oh Ive tried lots of new things.. becoming a mother)

-simply to be happy again (more than ever! <3)

-call my Mama more often (wish I could, She passed away in 2012, what I'd do to hear her voice tho) 

-be a better person in general (check! ever evolving)

-to meet new people ( yes! so glad I have)

-to dance A LOT (yes with two little red heads)

-to be in love (more than I've ever been)

-to try and hear when God speaks (still working on this)

-to figure out my talents and purpose I was created for (I have!! Praise the Lord! haha I'm sure there are more tho)

Goodbye 2011.... 

Goodbye 2014! Hello 2015!

So I've been trying to write this New Years blog post for the past three days and start it then delete it. So instead of really talking about the new year to come let me just talk about the one that has now passed. 

Just like everyone else there's been good and bad, but I want to be as honest as possible with still being positive. With that all said lets start in February when we finally found a house to rent and got out of the apartments and condos! That was amazing to see how God worked it out, the timing was the absolute last minute but right on time. I am so thankful for this house and our landlord, she has been such a blessing. March is when I stepped into what was going to be a prophecy fulfilled by taking the event planning class and getting one step closer to finding my gift and talent. April I started working for the teacher who would turn into my 'boss'. May-July would be filled with family, the beach, summer memories, fireworks with family and watching the boys take it all in for the second time. 

August! Happy birthday me! Except I didn't get a chance to celebrate my birthday, it was such a busy month. I had weddings to help with every Saturday and then the day of my birthday we celebrated my pastor being at our church for 10 years so I gave my time to honor him. We also started prepping for Bethlehem Live and planning for the big celebration in October for my pastor. 

September -December were all super busy as well!! September my momma and I planned and planned to do the #50yearchase event. Making sure it could and would be as perfect as it possibly could be, because we believe our pastor and his wife are worth every thought. It was so much fun for me to do what I love. October I had weddings to help with every weekend then the event we'd been planning for on the 18th! It was amazing! I had lots of goals I wanted to do with our family in the fall that just never got done. But that's okay this year apparently wasn't about our family but serving others. Which is what we're suppose to do as Christians. November was suppose to have a big second birthday party in it but because of everything else going on it didn't happen either, we did take them to Ripleys Aquarium with JoJo and Poppa and they loved it so that's all that really matters. I was upset over it because I felt like I wasn't giving them what they deserved but I know at this age they didn't expect anything..
 I was asked to decorate the church platform for Christmas and came up with some great ideas thanks to the help of Pinterest. I had help from a few people one who helped day and night, that I'm thankful for. Let's not leave out my most important helper Travis I always have something for him to hang!! It turned out great, looked like a winter wonderland with what I had to work with!!!  Thanksgiving came and we thought it was one of the easiest ones we've ever had. We got to spend the day with both sides of family eating together as one big family and played games. I wasn't stressed out, it was fun. We weren't running all over the place with cranky children. What a difference it made! We didnt get to  celebrate our 6 year anniversary this year either because we were in BL. So next year we have made a choice that we will celebrate every important date to us, I think it's vital to do that, we deserve to take time for ourselves and say no next year and put us first as a family. So be ready for invites :) 

Bethlehem Live deserves its own paragraph haha it was great! We had the best weather we've ever had doing it, we were booked up every night and we definitely made an impact on our county I believe. I really enjoyed getting to spend time with people who you usually wouldn't and getting to know them. Every night was so much fun for me, BCRC are the funniest people I think I've ever met, every night they had me laughing. Memories that will last, watching my husband play Jesus and take it so seriously was inspiring. Seriously he was praying during every show, always doing his absolute best, trying to be as real as possible and I think he did amazing. As did everyone else! Watching him grow this past year has been great because he's now the godly man I knew he would be. I just loved every single bit of Bethlehem Live. 

And just like that we are at the last month! December has gone so so so quick! We put our tree up back in November because like others we wouldn't have time in December. We have had the nicest weather this month as well and I'm glad because I'm over the cold. Christmas was so relaxing, we opened gifts at our place with the grandparents,we took a long nap In the middle of the day, that way we had happy babies all night! We went and had yummy food at my mommas and opened more gifts before heading over to sing Christmas carols on the Cookes front porch and then our pastors front porch! It was so fun, one of the best. The next night we all got in moms flex and went to Wilmington to look at Christmas lights and had a late night Krispy Kreme stop! Which now will be what we do every year!  The boys loved it and so did we. Tonight the 31st we will be at church and then hopefully watching Bishop Jake's and hearing the Word he has for us all as we ring in the new year! 

This year has had lots and lots of ups! Lots of memories. This year also brought a few scary times with both boys having had a seizure, CT scans from a fall, X-rays with those seizures. They have had more trips to the ER than I think I have and they are only two. BUT thank God, He watched over them every time as always. He also is healing their skin day by day we are still believing. As I have been talking about, this year has been a season of humbling ourselves. That is so very clear, not because we were arrogant before but in order for God to exalt you, you first have to humble yourself before Him, He is our only hope in this life. We cannot make it a day without Him, We know that more than ever now. I am so grateful for everything that has happened this year good and bad. It all plays a role in who you are, what you can do and who you will help. Bishop Jake's sermon from this past Sunday is on point as if he preached it just for me, I know our breakthrough is coming. I also know that we will be better people, individually and as a couple for this years trials. I also can say this year is the best year we've had as far as our marriage goes. We've never been closer. We will always have one anther's back no matter who comes against us. He is mine and I am his. I realized the other night that at 21 this is what I was wanting but I just didn't know then that it takes time and life issues to get to where we are now. I am so very excited to see where God takes us and what He opens for us in 2015! I am excited for the people I will meet in this next year, the ones I have met in 2014. I hope I can make a difference in someones life this coming year and hopefully I have this past one. I am also okay with the people who are no longer in my life, the ones who are at distance, the relationships that are growing and the ones that are dwindling away. It's all for a reason, it's all on time. I will not let peoples opinion of me change me. I will be thoughtful, respectful, and loving. I will pray more and talk less. I will distance myself from ones who talk about others. I will not play a part in that. I will encourage others not bring them down. I will no longer have time for the ones who do otherwise, life is too short and too important for nonsense. I want to be the best version of me I can be. What He intended for me to be. As should you!

Happy New Year!! 

Thoughts today..

It's amazing the connection that being a mother gives you to other women who also are mothers. It's almost like being a mother is an empowerment, I look at other females differently now. Instead of looking at them and fighting my insecurities I now look at them as strong individuals, some more than others. It takes a lot to be a good mother. We won't talk about the worthless ones. But the ones who sacrifice, the ones who have their priorities in order. There are so many different types of us that you can never put us into just one category. 

It's nice how now that I am a mother I can have a conversation with strangers all the time because I see them in the same place in life that I am. Well the ones who have toddlers, but even older women or younger who have older children than mine I feel I get looked at with instant respect now when people see me out and about with two two year old little red headed boys. It's crazy. At the grocery store, shopping, beach anywhere I go I can connect with other women on a level I've never been able to before. It's no longer a competition. It's a 'hey I see you over there struggling with that little one but you can do this, you'll make it' it's incredibly amazing to me. 

I also now can sympathize when a mother is in pain. Just like the mother down the road who lost her little boy, it literally brings tears to my eyes and I can't stop thinking about it. I don't even know her but I want to hug her, I want to stand with her and support her. I pray I will never know what she's truly feeling but I feel enough with just the thought of it that it hurts. Not only for her but for her other little boy, his twin. I sat and watched my boys play this morning tackling each other and laughing and tried to understand how is it going to be for him. That bond that nobody knows except for twins, to know everyday of his life has been spent with his brother, every moment probably shared, bath time, dinner time, bedtime, now he will have to do them all alone. Even if there are other children it's not the same. It breaks my heart. I have prayed and prayed for this family. I feel like it's our duty as mothers to stand together and be there even if we are strangers, I feel like we should all be at that funeral to show our support and love and let her know she's not alone. No, nobody wants to go to a child's funeral but if it means letting her know that somehow someway she will make it through this then shouldn't we? I beg and plead I never have to go through this awful tragedy because I don't think I could come out of it. But God knows whose strong enough and who isn't and He only gives us what we can handle, so if you ask me that's one strong woman down the road. To know every Christmas Eve she will replay what happened and then the day after Christmas yet again getting the news, I just pray somehow it gets easier to deal. That she can find a way to look up, that she can find a way to comfort the other little boy and be so sensitive to his loss as well. So if you have read this then stop and pray for this family, they would appreciate it I'm sure. 

To you mothers I am proud of you, your stronger than you know, smarter than you know and more beautiful than you even know! 

Merry Christmas!!

So this is Christmas.. 

I think the older I get the less christmas feels like Christmas! Maybe it's because life is so busy, maybe it's because it's not just me, my mommy and dad anymore, maybe it's because there's no more traditions. One it's different when you've moved and all your family lives 8 hours away. There's no going to mama & papa house (grandparents) cousins are all grown and doing there own things, not to mention were that family like most who can't really all be together for too long without someone fighting with the other. I don't know but it's just different when you start getting older. It's no longer about the gifts, the songs, the movies, the snow or lack of here, nor the lights. Yes ultimately it's about Jesus but now it's more about spending time with the people who matter most. 

I've noticed that realizing this has really been a big deal this year with this 'season' I talked about that we're going through. It has made it to where gifts weren't an option this year if I am going to be pure and honest. My mother insisted the boys needed something from us so she made it possible but this year God has really let me see what it means to be humble. To see what it's like not having all the things I'm use to having. To have to 'make do' with things. I'm not okay with it in the sense I want to stay here but I'm okay with the lessons learned like I've talked about in the last one. I'm so so thankful this year for so incredibly much even though it's the least I've ever had. That to me is the greatest thing to be able to say that and mean it with every ounce of my being. I've now learned and just gotten to the point when I start to get stressed about what I don't have I automatically like clockwork start thanking God for the things I still do have. I may not have clothes in my closet that are new or even really fit the proper way but Jesus thank you that I have something to put on everyday. I may not have the means to go buy the things I'd like to have in this house but thank you Lord that we have a HOUSE now. I may need more room in our vehicle but God I want to thank you that you made a way to give us the car we have and it had more than what we were even looking for in it. Jesus I may not be able to go to work everyday and we may sacrifice 80% of things were use to but thank you that I get to watch my boys grow up right before my eyes every single day and see what you have placed in them come to life. My family is healthy even though I complain about my body, I am thankful that it works and is whole. I am so thankful for every tiny thing these days, that I know this Christmas I have more than even the people I see with a hundred gifts under their trees have. By no means do having gifts mean anything bad obviously if we could we would have more under ours as well but I don't think you will ever truly appreciate something until you dont have it or can't do it. 

Now this is personal preference don't go getting all upset if you don't agree and by no means am I trying to talk about someone specific 'behind the lines' or whatever that saying is. Just us personally it is so important to me really that our boys are grateful for everything they are ever given in life. I do not want them growing up in this world thinking someone owes them something. You work for what you have. Life doesn't just hand you things, with that being said I don't want the boys expecting hundreds of dollars worth of gifts or a certain number for their birthdays and Christmas. I want them to be thankful for one the same way they would be with ten. I'm all about spoiling them hello I am an only child, but I also was and have always been grateful. I want to make sure they turn out the same way. I want to teach them to give their old toys away to kids who can't get new ones or even take those same kids some new ones, I want them to want to help the needy, to see that no matter where you've been it can all be taken from you and then what are you truly left with? 

Everyone has ways seen me as materialistic and I hate that people judge me and put me into a category altogether. There's so much more to me than what I have, but because I like to make myself look a certain way or I strive to have the best that I can have they only see what they want to see. They don't see that I believe in acting like what your expecting God for, or looking the part of what your waiting on. That I want to be around people who are where I'm trying to go not where I am or have been. I carry myself a certain way because of where my focus lies. I expect God for greater things, I expect to be the one lending to others and never borrowing again. I expect to be debt free. I expect to have the windows of heaven  pour down a blessing I can't contain. Not because I'm greedy, not because money is everything but because he says I am the head and not the tail, that he is my Shepard and I shall not want anything, that he supply's all my needs, that he is my provider and protector. That He is my father and my friend, that my steps are ordered, that he has a plan for me to prosper, that my house should be filled with wealth and riches. I also know just like in this season of lack that even now I will praise Him and worship Him because of who He is not what I have. My heart is pure. My intentions are pure and my desire is to do His will, so this Christmas I thank God I have a sound mind, that I have a job, that I know my gifts and talents, that I know who I am, that no one can change me or shake me, that I am a wonderful mother, a loving daughter and a ever improving wife and a friend who will be loyal and honest. I thank Him that in a few hours when my boys wake up I will say Merry Christmas and look at the two greatest gifts I could have ever been given and that is more than enough for me. I hope each and everyone of you who read this have a warm, memory filled day, that you take in every moment and not let it pass you by, that you see the goodness in everything you do or say. I am excited to capture more moments tomorrow that will only happen once and if your too busy complaining about what you don't have you will miss them. So be present. 

Merry Christmas :) 

Ready for a new season and I don't mean naturally!!

There's a season that we are in and I am going to be very honest and say I do not like it at all. I'm trying to find purpose and meaning in, I'm trying to figure out what it is that I need to learn from this season. This season has been going on since we got back together and the boys arrived. This season has almost reached it's all time low. I say that carefully! 

I feel like I know the lessons I've learned from this season and they are major ones but why is it still going on? Why does it seem to be getting worse? Surely it has to be time for a new one soon right? I mean two years seems like forever, yes I know they went through much much much worse in the bible,  yes I know God always took care of them and He will us. Yes I know I will praise and worship Him regardless of my circumstance around me. I know that I know these things. 

So anytime now it can switch on into a new one. One that seems much like spring not the absolute dead of winter. I've worried, then I've given it to God to handle because there is no possible way or thing I can do to change this season. I've tried! And we'll I've tried again! I've cried, I've begged, I've pleaded, I've just wanted to sleep until it all changes and things are better, I can't see what God is doing and what He has on the other end of this. If I could, if I could just see a glimpse then maybe I could find some type of meaning in this, I just can't understand why He would give me something and then make me struggle for two years to even take care of it.

 Don't start on me about sacrifices because you will lose whatever relationship we may have, I know all about sacrifices, I'm not the spoiled, diva everyone seems to run off at the mouth about all my life. I'm pretty sure I've sacrificed the same if not more than a lot of others young and old. So it's best if you keep those remarks to yourself. I just need some glimpse of hope, that there is a way out and it's coming. I've been believing, expecting, speaking, hearing time and time again about this breakthrough that's coming and I know it has to be out there somewhere I just wish it would happen NOW!! It's so hard to be patient when your timeline isn't the same as Gods. His obviously is the right on time one and mine isn't even though I wish it was. I'm just tired of talking about the struggle I'm ready to brag about how He has turned it all completely around and we can't contain it. 

If you believe that we should always struggle and be without and that in order to be a Christian you have to be poor and burdened your entire life than I'm sorry. I don't, I believe where there is a struggle there is a blessing to follow. I believe the greater the struggle the greater the blessing. I believe God wants us to be able to take care of our children and their needs. I believe that we should be able to lend to others and borrow from none, I believe I am the head and not the tail, I believe that He is my Shepherd and I shall not want. I believe I am a Kings daughter and an heir to Him. I believe these things, I have to, if I don't I would be in some type of mess because the way things are right now would send me into a depression and my family would suffer from that. Travis wouldn't be able to stand me and my children would see the worst in me. Not being able to give your child what they need is the absolute worst feeling in the whole entire world! I don't believe in bringing children into this world if you have to live off the government and can't give them what they need. But I also didn't have a say in being a human producing beast that makes two at a time either so I have to Solely rely on God to do it, to provide, take care of them. There is a greater purpose behind them, I just want to be the absolute best mother and wife I can and when your constantly worried about bills and stressed out it robs that greatness from you. So I hope very very very soon I can write about how a tremendous miracle happened and have some peace of mind. This weight to be lifted from above us that's pounding us down. Another miraculous testimony of His goodness and plan for our lives. To the ones who believe like I do I thank you in advance for your prayers.   

My name is Jessica, nothing else.

Hello, my name is Jessica. 

I enjoy painting. writing. primping. 90's and also R&B music, not 90's R&B hahaha  dancing. laughing. the beach under the moon light. I am very creative.  I like to make visions in my head come to life in front me. I am a hair stylists and an event planner. I love Jesus with every ounce of my heart. I prefer a light, giggly atmosphere with people who enjoy the same. Yes I said giggly. I have a million plans and goals in my head that one day I would like to complete. I love to see the good in others because they already know the bad no need to remind them. I am nice to everyone. I expect the same in return. If you make me laugh I will remember you forever. Laughter is the greatest emotion in life!! Well maybe love is but usually laughter leads to love in my opinion. 

My absolute hands down favorite things are: 

Baskin Robins peanut butter chocolate ice cream

Urban decays electric pallette 

American eagle jeans 

Jessica Simpson heels & handbags, okay anything that has her name on it!! 

Bellami hair extensions 

Skater skirts & crop tops ( however that's not practical these days) 

However people for some reason usually only know me as 'the Twins mother' or 'travis' wife'. But let me take a moment to tell you more about Jessica, not the twins mother or Travis' wife but just me! 

99% of the time the above doesn't bother me, I obviously love being those two things but that 1% has been making an appearance lately. Yes of course I will always be those two things and chose to be. But I am an individual too, I was someone before I was a wife and mother. I had a name that people had to remember because they couldn't just call me something else. 

Very rarely when I do get the chance to go somewhere or just be ALONE it's so refreshing. I can just go back to being me, just me, with relatively no responsibilities for the moment. And yes it feels wonderful. Last night was one of those nights. I had to go to a company mixer in wilmington which required me to be dolled up and just be Jessica all night. In moments like that I feel empowered and like I own where I am. I feel confident in myself, making people remember my name, not how many children I have or someone's wife. 

To be honest for that 45 minute drive I'm easily taken back to the days of my scion and the rooftop open with my speakers pounding out bass. Carefree and fun, self esteem overflowing, heels and perfect hair. The things that I enjoyed and yes thats what defined me. A body before children, hair before children yes it was soooo much better!! Those little red headed boys have done a number to my physical appearance I tell ya! I could wear what I wanted and didn't have to worry about it being 'too short' or my heels 'too high' because I wasn't bending over with two little ones tugging at me. I actually had a wardrobe now it's slightly depressing to go shopping and be able to just buy what I want without thinking is it practical!! 

I guess what I am rambling about is I need to take time for me to be me. For everyone's benefit!! Because just being out for a few hours last night was refreshing! Now I feel ready to tackle today with my snotty nose handsome little boys. I am a better wife and mother when I get a moment to just go be me! It really is so very important. It's a given that being a mother and wife and all three of my boys are in my 'favorites' list, I just didn't think I had to mention it. Of course I don't wish to have that life back before children they obviously are my world but I just like to be honest when I write because what good will it do to hide how I really feel? Who will I ever help hiding feelings and acting like I am the perfect wife and mother and human being. No one. So maybe I will try to have a glam night out at least once a month if not twice:)