Little brothers turning 21...I'm getting old!!

January 24th my little brother turns 21!! That's tomorrow! Yes I am getting old! Most of you probably didn't know I have a brother but I do, we just have different moms. He still lives in Virginia where I am from, he has finished school/college and now has his first real job/career. I'm sure he's probably had other jobs but this one is the one I'm pretty positive will be his career. Especially if he really does take after my dad, fixing cars well anything that could possibly do to a car my dad can do it so I'm sure he can to. 

I hadn't seen or talked with my brother in years, I think I went home once for his birthday years ago right after we had moved down here so at least 7-10 years. I know it sounds horrible but you gotta understand my childhood. My parents split when I was only 6 months old, so that meant every other weekend with my dad. Then Nic came along when I was 5 I guess, and that was great. But then we moved here when I was 12 so we pretty much lost touch because we were both so young not to really know any better. Now Skip to last summer...

My dad and Nic came down and stayed a few days with us and it was really great. They did come for my high school graduation and then for the baby shower but this time was different or maybe I was . I never knew what it was really like to have a sibling honestly. I grew up by myself 90% of my life, so those few days made me start thinking what I had been missing out on. I didn't know I would be so protective over someone that wasn't my child, that I would worry about his safety when were 500 miles apart. I never knew he looked up to me until he was telling me about how he would get a spoonful of peanut butter for the ride back to our moms just because I did, that he didn't even like it that much. Since I have heard that I now want to do things even more the 'right' way if ya will because he still is looking up to me. I never knew what that felt like before but it made me start thinking and realistically we don't know much of anything about each other. Who we have both become as young adults, what makes us mad or happy, what's funny and what's not. I wonder if we have the same characteristics ya know. The years we have been a part are the years that have been shaping us into who we are so yes we are different people than when we were 7 and 12 obviously. 

I wish he lived here and I know that might sound selfish but he's younger he can still move ha. I really would like to get to know who has become and also be an influence on who he will continue to become. Not to mention it's really neat to know I have this bond with someone I've never really had before, I also really really would like the boys to grow up with him around all the time. That would be great! I know he has his own life and I understand that's a lot to ask of someone but more importantly I want to make sure his soul is taken care of. He means to much to me to let him slip into hell and not have done everything in my power to show him Jesus. He's young and I think he thinks I'm a crazy person for always telling him that but it's my job. 

I know it sounds like I just found him, that's not what I'm trying to say, I just don't remember a whole lot from being so young, so now that were both older I can start now and be the best possible sister there is!! Now for my friends that pray, be praying for him especially tomorrow, I went out for my 21st and I know you don't think about it when it's you but now I know my mother must have been a wreck worrying about me. So I'm sure this is not his first night out but I still would like to ask that y'all just pray for protection. Thanks guys. 

I love you Nic and hope you have the best birthday! 

packing up...

So here we go AGAIN......

Another year another move. We have honestly moved let me count this will be our 8th time in 5 years of marriage. CAN YOU SEE WHY I WANT TO BUY A HOUSE SO BAD??????? I absolutely hate moving I just want to stay put for once and make it mine, without knowing as soon as I get comfortable I will be up and gone again. Oh lets not forget the 4 moves I made alone while we were separated!! All those moves minus this last one were before children!! Ya know I try to stay positive and not question other people and God on why 'they' whoever it may be get to buy a house, have this and that blah blah blah when I am over here struggling daily to stay afloat, trying to live everyday as an example of Jesus, trying to stay in tune with God but I still feel so 'hello!? Can you here me up there?' right now. I don't get why its so easy for others but we always keep getting knocked down.

I know I know, your not suppose to question God and His timing is perfect but its so hard. I just wish I had some answers or just a glimpse of what He has in store for us it has got to be something great for all we are going through. I just need some encouragement. Not your typical stuff I already know but something that is going to make it okay for the moment we are in. I try so so so hard to be pleasing to Him and be a light for others but what do you do when you need the light and someone to cry on? How strong do I look now? I NEED STABILITY IN MY LIFE!!!!!! FOR ONCE!!!!

Well, Babies are waking up so Ive got to run.

Operation : Virtuous Woman

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Monday night I went to my very first ladies small group or Bible study. I have to say I had been looking forward to finding something that is mine. I think this may be it for now. I needed a little time outside the house after being home all day with the boys. So once a week for the next 6 weeks I will be attending this small group.

Our study is going to be on the Vitreous Woman, Proverbs 31 just in case you are reading this and have no idea what I am talking about. Last night was just a introduction or a get to know you night, we did go ahead and read Proverbs 31 and kinda talk about what verses stood out to us and why. I have read it several times but that night it was in a different light. I think because I am now a woman and finding myself, I want to be that woman. However it seems near impossible. So I am excited to get to dig deeper into this and really get down in it. In hopes that after these next 6 weeks I am a better woman.

Not only did it stand out to me in that light but one of the girls translations says in the heading that the mother wrote it. That she was explaining what kind of woman to look for. It hit me so hard in that moment that I need to be teaching my boys the same thing. Obviously they are only 1 but I should be the best example I can so they can see how a woman is supposed to be. Then in return know what to look for and hopefully skip all the foolishness the world has to offer. I don't know it was interesting to me. So here's to the next six weeks!!!!

Our 'Dark Place

If you were to ask me when our dark place was or if we had ever gone through one I would have told you it was while we were separated in 2011. Obviously rekindling our love and bringing our two baby boys into the world would not be considered a dark place. However underneath it all we have been in a dark place for a few years now in different ways. This past Sundays sermon from Bishop Jake's was on transformative THINKING, renewing of your mind. Another great sermon on learning how to transform yourself this year, starting with your head, mind. The part that stood out to me the most was when he started talking about the dark place. In order to find your purpose and get to your destiny he said you must go through a dark place. It may be emotionally, financially, physically, or all the above. But your dark place isn't to keep you from something its to get you ready for whatever it is He has planned for you. He referred back to the seed in the core of an apple, just like you have to plant a seed down in the soil where it is dark for it to germinate God has to plant us, not bury us, but plant us sometimes so we can go through things that are going to get us to our destiny. I probably don't explain it very well but it makes great sense in my head.

I've been thinking about it a lot this week, I've watched the sermon everyday trying to catch something else each time. I would have naturally thought that our time apart was my/our dark place and yes it was but I also believe it has been the entire time we've been married including now. Before you go thinking we are having problems and saying things I in no way mean it in that context. However I do mean it has never been a walk in the park for us financially, emotionally, career wise, dream wise, in every aspect of it we have always struggled. More so in this very moment than ever before. I never thought I would be a stay at home mother, I LOVE working and being in the public, however when kids come along you think you can do it all but you really cant. It's pretty much one or the other. So with one income we have never struggled so much, children change it all but what we should have been doing all along was saving and thinking ahead and being young (well me, hes kinda old hahaha) but we weren't and now we are paying for that. Trying to buy a home for our family to grow in and finally be stable has been a struggle, searching for my purpose has been a struggle, searching for his as well. What I am trying to say is that I feel like all this time has been our 'dark place' and yes I am the worst worrier and I stress out ALL THE TIME. God always has our backs though, He always makes a way and I really think He must have something so great for us in store and this is our testing, process, strengthening, building season. Right now is the lowest of lows we have EVER experienced so it must be so close. Bishop always says the harder your struggle the closer to your blessing you are. Not to drown in the shallow water, meaning you've already been through the deep, the storm now that you are almost there (shallow water) don't give up. Last night our speaker first said "Never ever ever ever give up" so I am not giving up, even though some days I could sit and cry because of it all but I am holding on.

So if you are actually reading my blogs let me throw this out there. With all do respect of course. I like to be honest in my writing, I don't like to act as if I have it all figured out and we are in need of nothing. I am real. Always have been. Always will be. With that being said YOU whoever YOU are reading this have your own struggles in life and that makes you no different than myself, so I hope your never negative about anything I ever write or take things out of context. Because we all have struggles. I just choose to be honest and real about mine. For those of you who support me in all I do. I LOVE YOU guys! Continue to pray for us, were young but old enough now that its time things start really falling into place for us. Love y'all and thank you for finding me interesting. If nothing else I just hope my truths can be a help to someone else.

I have found my PURPOSE.

In 2012 the week God restored our marriage and we had the team of Prophets at our church everybody got several Words, by Words I mean some of encouragement some got glimpse of future things, others confirmation on things. I got well all of them. Including my husband back the first night of the revival. Oh and two little blue eyes boys were created that week as well. Hahaha 

Sometimes Gods timing is well quick very very quick, example Malachi and Elijah. Other times it seems as if He is never going to do anything or it's the very last possible second that it could happen. Usually that's how I feel it works for me. Although it's always the perfect time because we all know that Gods time is always on time. But to my worrying mind I'm not suppose to have but am working on, it's hard to see it that way sometimes. 

After my post about this dinner I am responsible for all the pieces have been falling into place. It's pretty much like a bunch of 'aha' moments for me. They have happened even while peeing! I know to much information but it amazes me that even in the most unsensable moments God can still talk to or show you things. I was thinking it would be fun and a good idea to take a class on event planning for fun when all of a sudden i remembered one of the prophesies spoken over me from that night in 2012. The lady had told me she saw me with books, that I would go back to school of some sort and It was going to be okay though because God was going to show me favor with it. LIGHTBULB!! Hello! In that moment it all clicked it all started to make sense. The reason I have certain people around me, the reason He has done away with a lot of people who were around me. Everything in that moment made sense last night. One of the other ladies that week stopped me to tell me she didn't know what I would be doing but she saw me using my hands and that it was something very creative and different. Another guy told me I was going to be the ONE doing 'it' not just a part of 'it'. I would be the fore runner. I began to think about all the things I've always been interested in all my life, how each one of them all fall under this one title. There's a reason I've become so interested in photography, food presentations, decorating cupcakes and baking. Doing hair and makeup, painting, writing, being around people. Always saw this reception I would one day have that we couldn't do the way I wanted back then. It all is a part of my purpose.

NOW!!! It's time for me to do my part, stay focused don't let the enemy send people to try and manipulate me and discourage me or take advantage of me. You can't stop a determined woman especially a woman of God. So here's to the next step after the dinner. And here come the tears! After searching and struggling with who I am and why I am here I can finally answer that. If you've never struggled with it then you won't understand how big of a deal this is to me. This is one of those moments that will forever change my life. The direction of my life. I am so happy and fulfilled in this very moment. What I have searched and cried and begged for has now been found. Thank you God for not letting me give up, not letting me drown in the shallow water, You brought me through my dark place to germinate in me the seed which you have placed down in me. Getting to my core so now I can be effective for You. So I as a individual can feel like I am needed in this life. Now show me my steps you have ordered for me and let me walk through the doors You have and are opening. Let me rise to all that You have created me to be. I will forever give You the praise and glory, no one but You. I thank You, I thank You for TD Jakes and his purpose because it has lead me to be able to find mine. Nobody will understand why he means what he does to me. But God You put him where he is if for no other reason than for me. Thank You for my friends and family who have encouraged me along the way, for Pastor giving me the chance to do this which has led to this revelation in my life! Let me soar with excellence in all I ever do for You in Jesus name. Amen. 

Just in the movies.

Is romance something that is just in the movies and tv shows or is it really something that certain people produce? Do men really take the time to think about what would make her happy? Or plan a romantic dinner for two somewhere, or surprise her with a gift that shows they actually know what means the most to her? Do they actually write songs about her and play them in front of a crowd to make her feel like one in a million? Do they really say the heartfelt things and tell the secrets of their hearts? Do they really kiss her in the rain just because or kiss her when she won't stop rambling on about something? Do they really want to take walks on the beach at night and hold your hand or sit and talk about what matters while under the glow of the moon? 

Why do we watch all these scinarios and build this idea of being in love up in our heads. Expecting for this to be what it's like when your the one in love now. What happens when it's not like that but that's what you thought love was suppose to be ? When that's the kind of love you want to have even if it doesn't really exists. 

That use to be how I felt daily. I still feel that way at times, sometimes often. Every girl wants to feel wanted. Every girl wants to have someone shout it out for all to hear and know. It's what we've known all our lives as to what love is suppose to be. From our first Disney movie to now at 26 years old. I learned while being separated for those 14 months that love is so much more than that. Because even though I never had any of that before, my heart still longed for his. I cried daily for something I had tried to convince myself didn't exists because there never were dinners for two, or songs sung about me, or gifts just because or kisses in the rain. 

I realized that our love was just that ours. Meaning it's not like anybody else's definition of love. Some would say we or I argue to much, or he is to laid back. That I have to high of standards and expectations of him or he doesn't stand up to me. But whatever this is that we have it works. It's real. It's not sugar coated in money or 'moments' that would make others jealous. I do struggle with wanting all those romantic moments but at the end of the day with or without them I am with whom my God has created for me. So I will take any day of our what some would said boring non romantic life but a real foundation than no foundation and nights of hollywoods ideas of love. 

The BIG dinner.

So this church dinner I am in charge of decorating excites me! I love to be in charge of things and see them through, that is when it's something that makes me happy. I love the idea of having parties and making people feel welcomed and included in my life, the church body, whatever the occasion. I have never had the space to ever have any of these at my own house but one day when God gives us the house we are waiting for I finally can. I feel like when people come or are invited to something it shows 1: that you care about them and 2: they obviously care about you when they show up. We need more of that these days, making people feel included and needed, because really you will always need someone for something. That's okay I believe that's how its suppose to be. I think the people who are so INDEPENDENT and act as if they need nobody are the ones who are the loneliest and miserable. Our job as human beings not just Christians is to love.

I have been throwing ideas around in my head for over two months now for this dinner on valentines night. It has kept me up some nights because I cant turn off my thinker (hehe). If we had an unlimited budget this dinner would most definitely be the talk of the town not just the church world. It sparks excitement when I get to be creative and run with it with no limits. To make people walk in and be excited themselves to be there. I know what I want and when it doesn't work out that way it gets frustrating but I guess that is part of event planning you have to make room for error. I already have come across some things that are limiting me. However I really really don't want to settle for this, that and the other. I want to do it all to the best of my ability. My pastor from the day the got to our church has always said he wants to do everything in our church with excellence. No matter how big or small when you are doing something unto the Lord you should always strive for excellence. So I feel like if I have to settle for plastic table cloths instead of linen ones then I am settling but what am I to do? I am already settling for Christmas lights instead of patio lights!!!!! I just want this to be what I have been envisioning and when it doesn't come out like my vision its a little frustrating!! So I have a good month now to tweak my vision to meet my limits that I am running into!

Ya know I have sat and thought maybe this is part of my purpose, because it does excite me, gets my creative juices flowing and makes me motivated but then I start doubting because you have to have money to start visions and dreams, and you usually need connections. However as I write this I keep hearing in my head that God would provide all of that if I just took the step of faith and try it, if  this is what He has created me for. So maybe this is my open door.... Valentines day may be my stepping through it.

Getting down to my CORE.

Bishop Jakes is preaching on TRANSFORMATION for the next 4 weeks, how to transform every aspect of yourself to be the best you that God has created you to be. His first sermon this past Sunday was the first and probably most important part of transforming yourself, getting to your CORE.

He gave some excellent illustrations I think is what they are called where he took a peeler and talked about its shape, and how it suggest what it was created to do. He then went to peeling the apple, peeling back the layers of stuff we throw on ourselves over the years, then he cut down the 'fleshly/fruit' part and last got to the core of the apple. He went on to talk about how the core is where your SEED is, how the seed is what grows. For instance you can throw down the peelings, the fruit/fleshly parts but until you throw down the seed it wont produce a apple tree. He said you can either cut down to the core or ROT down to the core, but one way or the other you have to get there.

Ya know how even as I write this I am always so confused on what my purpose is well he said that you have to get down to the core of who you are and there you will find out what you were created for. Until you do that he said you will always be frustrated and confused, that is so me. So he gave some clues on how to get down to it, here they are, word for word what he said in the sermon;

"Your core is in what you care about. What do you care the most about?"

"What in your life when you do it, get around it or are exposed to it produces passion?"

"What are you motivated to do, that you would do for free, its just your inclination to do it?"

"What are you concerned about? What gets on your nerves, what irritates you, what upsets you?"

"What can you not stand to see out of place or order?"

He says that "You are the most passionate to change the things you are the most concerned about?"

"You cannot change what your unconcerned about."

and lastly he says "In the core is where the seed is that made it work in the first place."

So those questions/clues seem pretty easy to be able to answer right? WRONG!! Not for me, I have now pondered on this for 3 days and still cant figure it out for myself. I know I have said it a million times but I don't understand how it can be so easy for some people to know their passion in life, its like they know without any doubt that "this" is what they want to do, be. It seems to me though that those people are only good at ONE thing, so duhh I guess it's a given. Then here I am. I am good at multiple things, painting, writing, hair, decorating, encouraging people etc. I am trying so incredibly hard for two years now to find my purpose so I can not be wasting my days as life flashes by. Trying to feel fulfilled as a person who loves the Lord and wants nothing else but to please Him and walk in the purpose that He created me for. Bishop says to "do you the best you know how" that there will never be another person just like you, that you are created for a distinct role to play in His plan and when you get the understanding of what that role is and get down to your core you can be 100% effective in all you do. Because you will be doing what you were put on this earth to do. I JUST WANT TO BE EFFECTIVE!! I am sooo incredibly exhausted from trying to figure out me, who I am, what I am suppose to be doing, my purpose.


....I get I am a wife, I get I am a mother. But I can assure you I am sooooo much more than that and thats not where I want my life to end or settle at. I am a person too, I deserve to find the one thing that is mine, that makes me happy as an individual. More power to all you who know that's all you want and desire in life but its not mine. I know God has created me for much more. If that was all I was meant to do then I wouldn't always feel like the need to search for things to make me whole.

Vision for 2014!

And then God answered: “Write this.

    Write what you see.

Write it out in big block letters

    so that it can be read on the run.

This vision-message is a witness

    pointing to what’s coming.

It aches for the coming—it can hardly wait!

    And it doesn’t lie.

If it seems slow in coming, wait.

    It’s on its way. It will come right on time.

I am a stronger believer in asking God for what you want and what you need, your desires. I first must say if you are born again than your desires should be whatever He would have for you, that being said you are not asking out of selfishness or fleshly desires. Your wants and desires should line up with what He has said. 

Delight yourself also in the Lord, and He will give you the desires and secret petitions of your heart. Psalms 37:4

I also believe in asking for things that are not just simple and in your reach. He says to ask anything in His name and He will do it. But obviously this also has to be in line with what scriptures say and trying to live like Jesus. I believe you should ask for things that are not possible with yourself or man. Things that are only possible with Him, that way when it happens and He brings it forth you and other men cannot get the credit for it, only Jesus can get the credit. In those moments He gets glorified by not just yourself but others who see what crazy things just happened. Whether its healing, physical, emotional, spiritual, financial, relationships, provisions, anything you need, ask. 

  Very truly I tell you, whoever believes in me will do the works I have been doing, and they will do even greater things than these, because I am going to the Father. And I will do whatever you ask in my name, so that the Father may be glorified in the Son. You may ask me for anything in my name, and I will do it. John 14:12-14

So here is my vision for 2014. I will no longer call them resolutions. Resolutions are a worldly way of screaming failures for the coming year. Without a change in your mind you will not change at the stroke of midnight. So God change my mind this year. Solely focused on You for my life, for my family's future. 

As a family we are expecting a place to call HOME permanently and without compromising. We are expecting to pay down on the debt we have. We will be a more organized family in a whole. We will make time for prayer, devotionals, worship outside of our church services. As a married couple we will start praying together, start seeking things together, being on the same page. Encouraging each other in every aspect of our lives. We are expecting great health, that we are covered by His blood daily and have His hedge of protection around us at all times. For promotions or a new career opportunity in our household.

 As parents to daily seek wisdom on how to be the best we can be both naturally and spiritually for our boys. That we raise them how God would have us and not by the worlds standards. To give, continuously giving, you can't give what you don't have. So if we start sowing into others and good ground then we will reap what we have sown which in return will allow us to keep giving. He will open up the windows of Heaven and pour us out a blessing we cannot contain. Having a pure heart while doing so is the key though. So as we ask God for prosperity He has already told us how to become prosperous, it is part of our vision this year to get into the Word and start claiming things and watch Him do what He said He would. We want to get more involved in a area of ministry if not figuring out our own this year. 

As for myself this year I want God to show me at least a part of my purpose. To show me my gifts and talents, to create a brand of some sort that reflects who I am. To get healthy, for myself, my boys and my husband. To be more on top of things as far as creating memories and capturing them. To stop having a poverty mentality and thinking I don't need anything. To start rewarding myself for doing all the things I do on a daily basis and not putting myself on the 'list'. To continue to try and be a better mother and wife than the day before. 

I hope that is everything. Of course I can always come back and add something as this month moves along. I just want to start living in our full potential that God has created us for. Stop wasting life trying to do things our way or someone else's way. I hope that is your desire for 2014 as well. So here's to transforming ourselves into what He has called us to be!!!!