what goes in comes out

I am listening to their daddy through the monitor lay in their crib and reading a book he brought home the other day. It is titled The True Measure Of A Man, or at least I think that is what it was called. It's a biblical book so I am quite pleased he is reading it and it just so happens our sons are benefiting from it to, yes even at 10 months old. I am a firm FIRM did I say firm? believer in what goes in comes out. My daddy has always told me that while growing up and now that I am older and now a mother it is so very true. I do not even listen to the old radio stations I use to before babies now because even though it is pretty much all bleeped out it doesn't change the message in the song. If we are out and about and people are using language I don't use we leave as soon as it starts. For instance today we went to the park minding our own business pushing the boys in the swings and the people at the tables started fighting and throwing F bombs and GD around as soon as it came out the teenagers mouth we picked the boys up and left.

If you don't believe what goes in comes out then look around and watch different people older children are a perfect example. I would be willing to say 9 out of 10 times the children that have the filthy mouth either got it from there parents because they hear it casually and frequently at home. Or they are able to watch tv, movies, Google and YouTube, listen to music they shouldn't be while there parents are to bothered with everything else. Obviously if you don't hear it or see it at home like myself growing up then your not going to act or sound like the rest of this world.

My boys are Called by God and I know this so therefore it is my job even more so than a normal mother to have wisdom when it comes to taking care of them. I don't mean for that to sound arrogant or like my babies are better than yours its not that at all. It's just God showed me while I was pregnant that they were going to be something great in His Kingdom. He gave me their names, and confirmed it all to me before they were born. So I feel like with that being said I tend to feel at times like there is a lot of pressure on me to always know what to do or to be super mom. Its tough I won't lie. But my daily prayer is asking God to give me wisdom, rest and strength. Some say I am 'overprotective' I honestly don't care because I know what I have been given.

...that may have been a little all over the place BUT haaa I got a few minutes to vent/express myself/let out some things and now in that short amount of time the boys are over the book and fussing. Time to go make bottles and give kisses so they can catch some zzz's. If only it were for a full 12 hours would be amazing.

One day...

Just a little rant.

Well the house I had mention is no longer in the running. So I will take that as obviously not being the ONE. Trying to keep telling myself in Gods timing...

Something completely off subject to that I realized today about myself. I left the boys with their daddy and went shopping for a friends baby shower tomorrow. While in Carter's and seeing all these babies and mothers everywhere and grandparents oohing and ahhing over how cute all the clothes were I noticed I was completely missing the boys. But not just because I'm so use to having them with me every minute but I found myself getting this cocky attitude (more in my head than actually towards anyone). I found myself thinking I have twins that's a bigger deal than your one. Also thinking my boys would look so much better in everything in that store and they were so much cuter than the other babies in general. I couldn't believe I was acting/thinking like that. I am actually a bit embarrassed to admit it but maybe its a twin mother thing that happens sometimes. I mean we did push out well some of us two human beings. Let alone the fact we made two human beings in general is pretty impressive even more so if naturally. I know it's not nice and I didn't like that it happened but I think its because I didn't have them and felt left out. Like I was just an aunt buying for my nephew or something. Silly right? So probably not many baby shopping trips without my little pumpkins :) 

Well M&E are fast asleep as I write and hopefully they stay that way at least till say 4am. However they both have double ear infections again right now so they have been a little crankier at night and squirmy. But I can still pray and ask!! 

Goodnight:) 

it's about to get real..

I think we have found the ONE. Whats the one? A place to call home that we will own! The house itself really is everything I want with the exception of a big backyard. But the boys wont really be able to play in the 'back yard' for another couple of years anyways so maybe we'll be ready to upgrade by then. There is enough of a yard for Buddy to hangout which is the main reason for it being on the checklist. 

Now all the confusing stuff is about to happen the paper work and numbers flying all over the place. It's kinda exciting though as long as I don't think about it to much. But here's our HUGE dilemma we are still in a lease for another 4 months so I am scared of closing quickly then still being tied up here.. Ahh! These people won't let you out for ANY reason. Rude right? Someone trying to better themselves and they wanna be haters. That's life. hehee :) 

So things are about to get REAL... 

Oh just one of those days.

It may have sounded like I had it together in my last post and was encouraging everybody else. That is not the case well not completely. I am trying to encourage others and be honest with my life. But let me say I am not in any way together. I am stressed out, emotional, I still like to blame it on hormones easily irritated and just beat down sometimes. It seems just when it looks or seems like things should work out finally and are going good you then realize 'oh wait, but now this...'. I know God likes to do things when all else fails so that way man cannot get credit or things and you know you have to thank Him. That is actually how I've asked for my life to be with every situation big or small. Usually the big things that way I know its the right thing and I am on track, the right track, His track not mine.

I am trying to keep my head up during the things we are going thru and dealing with I didn't lie about that in the last post but some days its really really hard. I never want to just give up, that's not the case at all it's just some days I wish I had a very bright very obvious sign that I am right where I need to be doing what I am suppose to be doing. Even when it looks the other way.

That day is oh every day lately..

God please show my some favor. Some direction. Give me some comfort and peace about life right now.

I'm in the mix.

I was reading through my journal I guess you call it (not my diary haa) the other night while laying in bed, attempting to ya know 'write'. I started to notice every time I would start feeling complacent or irritated with whatever my situation was whether it be work, relationships, etc.. I realized a few pages later I was then writing about how God did something great. Turned the situation around maybe not instantly but as you all know as far as my marriage went in the course of a year. When I was upset and complacent with where I was working He gave me another job opportunity. When I was just feeling like I was lost He sent someone to tell me I was right where I needed to be. When I got in a rut with my marriage He allowed me to take time apart and worked a miracle that I can only say was all Him. Then when one of my hearts desires were to have children by 25 without planning it He then gave me that also. God is always, always present.

Everybody knows my favorite person in the whole world is Bishop TD Jakes, well he preaches a lot on when God is silent is when it really shows the person you are. How He sometimes 'goes silent' to see how strong our faith is, if we can still handle things without hearing Him say do this or that. I've been able to see that all the times in the past I've gotten complacent with life or a certain area of it and start to stress out and get upset He's always in the midst of doing something new. Your IN THE MIX as Bishop Jakes just preached the other week. And that as confusing and frustrating it can be not knowing whats happening next is actually a pretty good place to be.

Lately, okay well the past six months or so I have been IN THE MIX. To be completely honest I am hardly ever content. That has always made me feel like i'm out of place or something is wrong with me. Don't get me wrong I am so thankful and happy with having my marriage back and now two beautiful baby boys but something on the inside of me is still searching for my purpose in this life. Searching for what God created me for, to do. I recently decided it wasn't paying for me to continue to work so I am now a full time stay at home mom. That to some women is what they have always waited for I on the other hand love working and being around people. But once my babies came into this ever changing world I knew that nobody was going to be their influence except for myself. So the job went out the window. Now we are dependent on one income which is the hardest thing we have ever had to do. I've never not been able to just buy something that I wanted until this year. Some days it seems as if we have pennies in the bank and don't know how to make it through the next day but God always provides. I try to remind myself whenever it gets like that, that He wouldn't have given us two babies to let us fall and let them go without. He will provide in some way.

I often try to rationalize it all in my head by telling myself 'its not like we keep having children when we know we cant afford to'  we thought we were having one baby like normal people and that we could have afforded. Then we ended up with two little babies and one income. Until the other night when I read my journal I just didn't understand why and how. But now I know we're just on the edge of another blessing. Its just been a testing of our faith. So I am actually quite excited to see what He is doing for us.

So even when it seems God has went silent and your fighting whatever it is all by yourself, your not just remember your in the mix. Don't give up. Build your faith.

September update....

I hate that I wanna write so bad but by the time I have a chance to do so is after the boys have gone to bed and then I'm exhausted and ready to just get in bed and do nothing. So that leaves no time for my blog or anything else I'd like to do. An update is wayyy overdue at this point, lets see if I can keep it short but get everything exciting but also honest in!

The boys are now 9 and a half months old!! Since 4 months hit it has just flown by, a little to fast for my liking. They are crawling all over the place, walking around all the furniture, they love pulling up and looking into the oven. Bath time is their favorite time or any sound of water and they practically jump out of your arms trying to get to it! Malachi is standing on his own more and more without holding on, no steps yet but it wont be long and I will be chasing two little blue eyed boys running from me. They eat sooooo much I don't know how we are going to be able to afford to feed these kids when they are teenagers! They just really started sitting in highchairs when we are out and they know its time to eat as soon as you put them in one. We actually ordered them their own meal for the first time last time we went out- a grilled cheese and they split it and ate the whole thing! Crazy. :)

We decided the whole no sleeping situation needed to be revised so we started a bedtime routine in July and it has actually made a difference. They still are waking up but not nearly as much (with the exception of some nights for teething, being out too late, sick etc..) usually one of them has been sleeping the whole night thru. I also have found even though the 7pm bedtime makes things a little chaotic the earlier they go to bed which is closer to 7:45-8 the better they sleep. So yay! to better sleep habits.

I've had my first official breakdown. I'm proud to say it took 9 months for it to happen. I guess some days it just gets more overwhelming than usual. Trying to put the car seat back together is what set it off but still all three of us ended up in our beds crying. Then T and my momma came to our rescues. It's hard for me to ask for help or to say its just too much because it's my job to be their mother and not complain or think its about myself anymore. But I've not had time to myself to just go do something since they've popped out. I don't make time fore myself at all. I know I need to for them, T and my sanity but its hard.

The time has finally arrived that I'm feeling like myself again, when I look in the mirror now I'm not always thinking 'ugh'. I am all but 3lbs from pre-pregnancy weight however I still have a good 9lbs to go once I ever get these 3 off to be back in my clothes from the two months before I got pregnant and my thyroid acted up. But I feel good, I bought some hair extensions to vamp up my self esteem. I also had said back in the spring I would get into the new trend of high waisted bottoms and crop tops and I officially have!! ha!! I've also been buying new makeup and good quality brands that I've never bought before and I love them!!

Almost done...

The most exciting part is the boys birthday is coming up in just 3 short months!! AGHHH! I have decided on a sock monkey theme and I can't wait to start buying stuff! I understand some people usually people with one baby don't really do a big deal for their childs first birthday BUT I want to celebrate big not just because I have TWO but because we're not having anymore so once its over its over! I will hopefully post some updates on how its all coming along and some details once I figure it all out!

Well I don't think that was too awful long :) Heres a few photos so you can see how BIG they are getting!!

and apparently some of them are not in order...