Sleep... I forgot what that was

I have this issue where I feel like I need to take in every single moment with the boys. So I don't miss anything that I can control. If I miss something while at work that's a different story. I guess I just never want to say 'I wish I would have paid more Attention or played with them instead of napping or cleaning house or being too tired.' I am so incredibly tired its not even explainable but that's just part of being a twin mommy. I mean their sleep is horrible at night these days and during the day I need to workout while they nap what little they do. Some say well have your husband watch them while you take a nap. That is a joke, I can't sleep if I know they are around, it feels wrong. If I hear them fuss or cry I feel like I have to be the one to get whatever it is taken care of. Not that he couldn't handle it but its just not the way I would or as quickly as I could have done. So there is no time for sleep. 

Although my body I think is starting to show signs of exhaustion. I have no appetite some days and then some days I feel as if I'm starving. My stomach gives me pains and cramps some days, I get headaches, and I try to catch myself and not be mean or moody. I know its not anyone's fault it's just this phase of 'twinhood' as I call it. I've never begged God for something so much before as I do rest. I don't ask for sleep anymore just rest. I know I'm capable of doing this and stronger than I know or else He wouldn't have given me these two bundles of goodness. I just never knew how much one takes sleep for granited till now... 

Some sunshine finally!

7 and a half months and I'm finally starting to feel good about myself again. I've been working out for the past 4 weeks and even tho I may not be down pounds every week I still feel better. My arms have more muscle than they've ever had before, I can actually do a good 10 push ups without shaking. That might not sound like much to some but to me its a big deal. I am now hoping to have a little muscle not just be thinner. I like the idea of looking a little strong. 

This may be a bit of information that's too much but its my blog so oh well but for the first time I have looked at my butt and not been upset about how 'not gorgeous' it is. That also is a huge deal to me. I'm pretty sure I can stick to this now it took some bridges to cross but I think I'm mentally there to stay now. It's so important to me to be as healthy as I can for my boys. I've got to be able to do without feeling down about myself, I don't want them to ever pick up on that. So I'm just really praying and trying to be the best wife and mother inside and out I can be!! 

My goal weight is 120. I am currently at 134 so I have a good bit to go but I think now with muscle I may not worry so much about the numbers and more on how I feel and look but I keep saying the numbers to keep me going. I'm aware that 120 pre pregnancy and 120 post are two totally different things so we shall see as I creep closer... :) 

Ps. I stopped taking the phen after 5 days I just didn't like what it was doing to me. I had lost two pounds on it and have kept it off so I am thankful just to have gotten past that 135 mark! But now its time to do it the healthy smart way.! 

Beautiful Postpartum Body..hopefully!!!

So today makes day three of my 30 day supply of phen, to help lose this baby weight. I'm such a scaredy cat that I won't take pills or anything gimmicky. I'm to terrified ill be the one who dies at home and no one know. But I started working out (again) and walking last week, and did good. I was incredibly sore so I must have done something my body wasn't use to. I'll even tell you what exactly I do so you'll believe me! 

I use the unopened gallon of water for the boys formula as a weight for my arms and do two different 'curls' I guess you call them, then I grab the bag of sugar because the gallon of water is a little tricky and you can't hold it right to do the other arm exercises. With the sugar I do three other arm curls! I don't know if anyone else feels this way BUT when doing squats I always feel as if my back is not right or I'm leaning forward to much or not actually squatting at all. So I do hold on to the counter for some so I can still be flat footed and back straight as I squat straight down. However yes it still hurts but I also feel like it puts some resistance in your arms so your working both. I then saw on Pinterest where you stand like your going to do a squat then bend over place your hands on the floor and squat while keeping your hands on the ground it seems awkward at first but I actually like those and yes you still feel them!! Next crunches regular ones and the ones where you rest your ankle on your knee and then bring the opposite elbow to the knee. (Both sides of course). If you are still laying flat and your knees up feet flat and put your knees together I think they call it knock kneed?? And ankles out touching your butt or as close as possible, you then come up like a crunch abs tight, head and neck facing up not forward you'll hurt yourself and shoulders off the ground you grab both ankles and go left to right reaching as far as you can to or past your ankle. This is something they do on my yoga DVD I use to do. I believe if done enough and correctly its a good choice for love handles which I have. Somewhere in between all that I do jumping jacks as my ' cardio' and for something every kid does easily or I remember it as being easy, it bout kills me now after 20. Embarrassing but honest. 

I try to do 100 of each thing, obviously not at one time I break it up into 10 or 20 per rep. And only leaving roughly 30-60seconds between reps. Oh I forgot I'm trying for real to go for a walk everyday with the babies (pushing roughly 70lbs extra) at least 30 minutes and I always feel like I'm turtle slow but can't possibly move my short legs any faster. But at least I'm out there. 

After getting into the right frame of mind again to stick with it and being tired of being extremely extremely insecure about myself (which is soo not me) I decided to call my Dr. He had told me at my PP appointment that in a few months if I was having trouble losing the weight he could give me something to help. So I called. 

Friday was my first pill and I was expecting my heart to race and feeling all hyper and shaky. Honestly my heart hasn't raced yet unless I'm working out or doing it myself, I don't feel jittery just like I have energy instead of wanting to go sleep every chance I get. They do suppress your appetite obviously but I know I have to eat to be healthy so I still do but I'm conscious of what I've been eating. Why still have the same eating habits and make your body all freaked out. Also I don't intend on gaining this weight back after I stop taking them. So it's my choice now to watch what I'm eating and drinking (water as much as possible). So I am super excited to finally and hopefully get back into my clothes and just feel good about myself. Once that happens it will be better for anyone and everyone around me :) 

Ps. I don't have a babysitter so the boys are either looking at me funny and laughing or they are napping. So it is possible, but the phen is going to be the main key because I don't have time or a way to go workout hard core for two hours at a gym or any of that. I don't drop my boys off with people to do those kinds of things. So here's to this continuing journey of life after babies.